My Horrid Mother Never Let Me Have a Birthday Party

I was astonished to hear on Graham Norton’s recent radio show a story about a mother who blamed her daughter for her difficult birth.  It was so like my own experience that  I thought I’d send you my story to help others.   

My mother continually told me I had ruined her life.  She apparently had a three-day labour with me that ended in a rather botched Caesarean in what sounds like a not very good hospital. It stopped her having more children and left her in considerable pain.  Apparently she and my father wanted a big family and it was all my fault that she couldn’t have one.  She even blamed me for my father’s early death saying his cancer was caused by sadness at only having one child.  It was a very difficult time for me.  Luckily some kind aunts on both sides helped me cope.  

As a result I was never allowed to celebrate my birthday as a child.  It caused me enormous embarrassment when I went to friends’ birthdays because I could never invite them back.  In the end I stopped going to parties altogether.   When I was 21, I cut off all contact with my mother  as I refused to be blamed for something I had no control over. 

It’s been 20 years since I talked to her during which I have married and had two children.  We have birthday parties that are great fun for the children and I am always spoilt rotten when it’s my turn. 

I absolutely love it, not because of the party itself but because it shows how much my husband and children care about me.  Sometimes of course I feel guilty especially as I know my mother is still alive, but if she tried she could find me.  She obviously doesn’t want to which is fine by me. Do you think I have made the right decision?

 OUR COMMENTS 

How dreadful that you have carried such a heavy burden of blame and pain for so long, along with terrible memories of not being allowed to have a proper birthday.   It must, of course, have been very hard for your parents not to have the large family they wanted but it’s no reason to blame you.  Nor was it your fault that sadly your father died early from cancer.  Your mother’s reaction has been extreme and she’s done her best to pass her pain and sadness on to you. 

As well as feeling embarrassed that you couldn’t reciprocate by inviting friends to your party you must have also felt disappointed that you had no chance to celebrate your own birthday.   So it is not surprising that you chose to remove yourself from continuing to be hurt.  Now that you are a mother you realise how special a birthday can be and not least a way to mark the safe delivery of a much-wanted child.  It is wonderful that you found love and have a chance to cherish your own children. You have made a wise decision to stay away and can celebrate each others birthdays with as much fun and delight as you can. 

 

My Daughter Doesn't Want Her Horrid Grandfather At Her Wedding

My father has always been difficult and became thoroughly objectionable when I got married.  He used to call our first rented flat ‘pathetically cramped’ and told my husband, who is an academic, to his face that he didn’t earn enough money.   

He was just as bad with our three children when they were small, challenging them with ridiculous questions that were far too complex for their age and then gloating when they didn’t know the answers.   We cut down the amount of time we saw him, but stayed in contact because of my poor mother who doesn’t dare contradict him. 

He’s become increasingly uninhibited as he’s aged and talks loudly and over anyone else who may want to contribute to the conversation. It’s made him a huge embarrassment but our children have always behaved politely not least because I encouraged them to say they had to go out or study so they weren’t with us for long.   Our oldest child is getting married in the summer and none of us want to have my father at the wedding.  I know he will want to make a speech and generally misbehave which could ruin the occasion for our daughter.  The problem is can we invite my mother but not him and how could we persuade her to come on her own? 

OUR COMMENTS 

Your problem is one for your mother to solve, not for you or your daughter.  She has stood by her husband all these years and neglected to protect you or her grandchildren.  It sounds as if you have done your best to cope with this difficult situation by minimising contact between your new family and your parents.  Your children have also learned how to be both polite while keeping  their distance. 

However it’s now reached  a junction and your daughter has rightly said she does not want her wedding day to be spoiled. What sort of relationship do you have with your mother?  Can you talk to her privately and have you ever discussed your father’s horrid behaviour with her?  

Ultimately it is for your daughter and her fiancé to decide whether to invite her grandmother and leave it for her to decide whether to come alone or to decline and stay with her husband. You have done your job well: your daughter is grown up so you no longer need to step in and protect her. Nor do you need to take responsibility for your mother.

My Children Don't Want To Visit My Horrid Mother

I have never got on with my mother.  And she dislikes me.  I can do no right in her eyes and she regularly tells me that all her friends have daughters who are much more dutiful/caring/helpful than me.   I expect these daughters also have a more loving less critical mother, but I keep my mouth shut.  

I was delighted to get away when I got married to a man who appreciates me for who I am.  We also have two lovely boys.  Having a child made me to think long and hard about what sort of mother I wanted to be.  I couldn’t love my own mother, but I decided to be decent and not interfere with any relationship  she might have with my children.  I think grandmothers  are very important in children’s life and I didn’t want to spoil that.

 However my mother still tries to put me down whenever she sees me.  At her request I take the children round to see her at lunch-time on a Saturday and leave mid afternoon.  Things have got worse over the last month or so.  She mother happily feeds the children but refuses to give me anything to eat.  My younger son, who is four but very observant asked her why she didn’t give ‘mummy’ anything and she went into a tirade about how I didn’t deserve a meal.  I managed to cut her short by telling the boys I wasn’t hungry as I didn’t want to worry them.  

 Nevertheless both of them were very upset as I drove home, particularly as she is repeating her behaviour each time we visit. They have told me they don’t want to go to see her any more, which is I think their way of showing loyalty to me.  Should I insist or persuade them to see her tell my mother why they are upset and finish the relationship?   

OUR COMMENTS 

You paint a painful picture and it’s no surprise that your sons don’t want to repeat it.  Your dilemma is that you want to be both a good mother and a good daughter at the same time, which isn’t easy.  You realise your first priority is to protect your growing children and protect them from your mother’s bad  behaviour.    

You have various options.  You could keep your sons away from your mother for a while. You could meet her on your own either at her house, your home or somewhere neutral. If she asks to see her grandsons you could then explain that her behaviour towards you upset them; something she is unlikely to accept and  will probably deny.    

What has happened might also give you a chance to tell the boys in simple terms about her unpleasant behaviour.  Remind them that they are safe with you and they do not need to see her unless they want to. If they change their mind we strongly suggest that you see her on your terms and avoid going at a mealtime.  

If, however, you decide to end your relationship with your mother you will find that you are not alone and many others have also understandably chosen this option.

My Horrid Dad Wants a Valentine's Card

  My ridiculous father wants  me to send him a Valentine card.  It’s such a cheek.  I am in my late 40s and he is nearly 70 and the most unpleasant bully I have ever come across.  I never felt he loved me and told me endlessly that he had wanted a boy not a girl – ‘who just gets in the way.’   

 He also blames me for the difficult birth and pregnancy my mother had and the fact that after my birth she was told not to have more children.  Something of course that is not my fault.  Sadly she died some years ago. He belittled me so much that for many years I felt I was indeed worthless.  It took a lot of work and determination to build up my confidence.  Now I live in Europe with my husband and three children  and have very little to do with him.   I only come over two or three  times a year but I am now aware of how frail he has become.  In one way I feel sorry for him, but I can’t love him.  

I also am not the least interested in Valentine’s Day personally but wonder whether I should email him a card, which doesn’t come from my heart,  because after all he is my father?  

OUR COMMENTS 

Valentine’s Day on 14th February has always been about romantic love rather than parental love and  Mother’s and Father’s day comes later in the year.  It’s an odd request, so you should think through your father’s possible motives. 

You also need to consider how you feel about him at the moment.  Do you feel sorry for him now he is getting old? Are there things that you want to say to him before it is too late? Or do you want to give him an opportunity to say important things to you? 

Remember you distanced yourself and your family for good reasons so be careful about making changes without first talking them through with you immediate family. You can then make a plan. Do you want to be in closer touch  with him?  If so you could email or phone him more often. You could also be involved with his care from a distance - for example look into care providers. Being clear about your motives will help you take a course that is meaningful rather than sentimental.   

Overall we don’t think it is appropriate to send him a Valentine’s card but you could send him a friendly general message on the day if you want to.

 

My Horrid Mother-in-Law Upsets My Children

I realised my mother-in-law disliked me from the start.  My husband tried to re-assure me saying all would be well.  That at 40 he had his own life to lead and very much wanted to marry me.  

In my innocence I believed him.   I told myself someone as good looking, easy going and adaptable as he was would make any mother proud.  However, it turned out that I was the problem and after our marriage she made it clear that she thought I was nowhere good enough for her boy.  When she came over, often uninvited, she would criticise me nonstop.  My kitchen wasn’t clean enough, my cooking was tasteless and her poor boy’s shirts weren’t properly ironed.   

Things got worse when we had two children in quick succession.  She once even told me I was as bad a mother as I was a wife. Sadly my husband wouldn’t stand up for me  but I did manage to persuade him we had to move far away so we could escape her criticisms.     

He couldn’t settle claiming that he didn’t like his new job but I could tell it was really because he couldn’t cope with being away from his mother.  The divorce was reasonably civilised and we agreed on joint custody.  What I didn’t realise at first was that whenever he saw the children he always took them to see his mother.  It would have been ok in theory but in practice they came back dreadfully upset and eventually let me know that they didn’t like how rude their grandmother was about me and that she kept repeating that I was a terrible mother. 

I have told my husband that I don’t want them to see her but he is taking no notice.  What can I do?

OUR COMMENTS 

It must be hard for you to experience such nastiness from your undermining mother-in-law. You have also had to survive a divorce and all the difficulties it causes with your two children. 

We’re sure you know that it’s very painful for children to be caught between parents. To protect them as much as possible you need to keep trying to sort out the problems you have with your ex-husband. Rather than saying that you don’t want them to visit their grandmother it might be better to let him know what your children have said.  Tell him you are sure he doesn’t want his children upset and urge him to deal with the problem.  Ask him gently how he would feel if it had happened to him when he was a child and whether he believes his children should hear their mother bad-mouthed?  

Meanwhile you could try to help your children cope with difficult people. Explain in ways they can understand that people have different opinions and discuss what is and isn’t acceptable to voice.  Also help them manage feeling uncomfortable about what people say.  In addition perhaps suggest they ask their father to help them cope when they visit his mother.  

You were sensible enough to have a civilised divorce and need to keep trying to have a respectful relationship while you are both caring for your children.   You may have different ways of bringing them up but you should be able to agree to work together to cope with any problems they have as they grow up.  

 

 

 

Is My Father My Real Dad?

I’ve been waking up in the middle of every night for a while wondering why my parents were so horrid to me and whether I am all the awful things they said.

They kept telling me that I was a disappointment to them, that I’d never get anywhere and my father always used to add that I just didn’t fit in with the family.  I certainly didn’t look like either of them.  They are both fair skinned with blondish hair, whereas I have dark hair and a more olive-type complexion.  They both much preferred my younger brother who didn’t do well in his A Levels, opted out of going to university, worked as a salesman in a men’s clothing shop and has been divorced twice.   

I by comparison got a degree in engineering and have a responsible well paid job in a very successful company.  I’m also married with two sons but my parents have never shown much interest in them.  I remember going through some of the drawers in my parents’  study when I came back home at the end of university terms in case I was adopted.  But I never found anything.  It’s recently dawned on me that perhaps I had a different father.    I’d really like to find out but my parents are not the type you can ask that sort of thing and I rarely see them because I know they don’t want to see me.   

Do you have any advice?

OUR COMMENTS 

When children don’t physically resemble their parents and have a different personality it’s common to wonder if they are actually their parents’ child. The thought is even more likely if the child is less loved and has less attention than  their siblings.   It’s no surprise you wonder if you were adopted.  Something that you can easily check on your birth certificate.   

However it is also possible that the fact you chose to go to university and have a good career has made you different and set you apart from the rest of the family. Some parents find this  threatening, assume that you will look down on them and feel their choices for your future were not good enough for you. 

Do you have any distant relatives who could informally tell you more about your parents’ individual history?  If you want to go further and question your paternity we strongly advise you to think very carefully before you make the first moves as you could open up a whole new can of worms.  If you decide not to go ahead you could be plagued by doubts. If you have a  DNA test which shows that you are not your father’s son, you will have to not only accept that your mother had an affair, but also that you have been lied to for a long time and the man you thought was your father was complicit in deceiving you. If this is the route you decide to explore please consider seeking professional counselling to understand your wishes for clarity and the possible repercussions.

Why Do I Pick Boyfriends Who Behave Like My Horrid Father

My father has always criticised me for something.  As a result I am not very confidence and tend to be quite withdrawn. We have a strange relationship because he is not horrid all the time.  With friends and sometimes with my brother and me he is great company, full of jokes and wise sayings.  I admit I like him like that but hate it when he mocks me.

My problem is that every long term boyfriend I have had, and they haven’t been many, turns out to be just like him. Once I realise the similarities I immediately break off the relationship as I couldn’t bear to have a husband who could make me as unhappy as my father has done.   What is it that draws me to replicate his characteristics? 

I am 35 now and long to settle down and build a family but I am so scared of making a big mistake.  Can you help? 

OUR COMMENTS 

Perhaps you are drawn to people who share the engaging characteristics of your father, but find they begin to criticise you once you get to know them. It is also possible that you give out signals that make you vulnerable to domineering men.  It is nonetheless a positive sign that once you are aware of the negative qualities of your father in your boyfriend, you walk away from the relationship. 

To change this we suggest you start building up your sense of self-confidence and self worth. You probably know what you want from life and believe in yourself to be able to find your inner strength. The advantage of this will increase the chances that you will put off people who might want to use their own power to overwhelm you.

 While you are building up your confidence start looking for different qualities in men.  Rather than fall for those who want to entertain you, seek out those who are more interested in getting to know what you are really like.  

 

Help! My Brother is Like My Horrid Mother

It had suddenly dawned on me that my  brother is an absolute replica of my horrid mother. 

He is always right, attacks me verbally with little or no cause, bosses me about and can be incredibly spiteful.

I am four years younger than him and I’m afraid to say that he makes me feel quite undermined.   He was always a difficult child at least in my eyes but I didn’t take much notice of him then.  Now he is an adult he has become toxic and what’s worse got right under my skin. 

Our mother is quite elderly but still difficult.  I keep my distance which is something else my brother criticises me for. Not that I have seen much of him since I married and moved away.  His endless allegations that I am a terrible and useless daughter is so hurtful.  It’s just that I don’t want to lay myself open for attack. 

Please help me.   

OUR COMMENTS 

Having grown up with a difficult mother it is very unfortunate to find that your brother has similar traits.  But it is not unusual.  Sometimes people who have a horrid parent are very aware that it might happen and spot similar traits a mile away. Others can’t, particularly if it involves close relatives.  Your current feelings may be because you had enough to do coping with your mother and didn’t  focus much on your brother. Your inclination to bypass him as a child would confirm this.   

The fact that you are now so affected by him means it’s a good time to re-asses  how you relate to him. We advise you to think about your current relationship. Do you, for example, discuss your mother together? Does he share your views about her?  If so it might be a good idea to share one or two concerns about how many of her traits you have. If you are not that close, or feel that this would not work, you may have to distance yourself from him in the same way you have managed successfully to do so from your mother. 

In the meantime do spend some thinking about exactly what it is that makes him get under your skin. Write your thoughts and memories down then decide what to do with them.  If you think his comments are both unfair and unkind you could screw up the paper and throw it away. You may find that this small but significant action enables you to feel free to move on.

My Horrid Parent Made It Hard For Me To Accept Compliments

I have had a wonderful family Christmas.  My mother died last July and we used to have to spend it with her at her home. So  I was quite anxious about how I would feel despite always having a tough time with her.   

My husband and teenage daughters were really keen to have Christmas at our home and told me that they would go along with anything I wanted.  It’s time they said I made celebrating Christmas my own.  They also spoilt me rotten.  They helped me with the meal. Told me how much they all loved me.  My husband surprised us with champagne, bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said how happy he was that he married me.  My daughters stayed with me all day even turning down joining their friends.     

I was of course delighted and deeply moved by their efforts, but I’ve been so used to my mother finding fault with everything I did and said  that I found it difficult to handle.   I kept brushing off their compliments, criticising myself and saying their lovely presents weren’t necessary.  I even said I didn’t recognise the loving mother and wife they described.  I noticed that one of my daughters seemed upset with me for being so negative, which I feel very bad about. Underneath I was thrilled but I found the amount of thought and time they spent helping to make it a happy day very overwhelming.     

I want to try to get over my embarrassment and try to accept compliments and gifts more graciously and think that perhaps starting a new decade is a good time to try.  Can you help me please? 

OUR COMMENTS 

It’s common for anyone who’s experienced a very critical parent to feel hyper - sensitive about any perceived slight, even when it turns out not to be there.  

Another legacy for those who have felt unloved is wariness of being the centre of attention and receiving lots of compliments, which you seem to have had in abundance this Christmas. No wonder it was overwhelming for you at times and you felt unable to deal with it tactfully. 

We suggest you think hard about what your family have said about you. Perhaps write the comments down and look at them as objectively as you can for examples to support their compliments.  For example if one of them admired your cooking did they add that the turkey was tender and tasty? You might find that recognising a specific compliment is easier than accepting one that is very general.  

Many people are embarrassed by generous gifts and compliments and having a few stock responses ready could be helpful. You could, for example say along with your general thank you, that the colour and style of what they have brought are just right and you are touched by their thoughtfulness. Rather than brushing your family off try challenging your own negative thoughts.  Now that Christmas is over, you could write a brief note to your daughters saying how much you appreciated all they did for you. 

Do also remember too that your mother’s death was only six months ago.  Be kind to yourself and let your adjustment to life without her take its time.  

XMAS AND HORRID PARENTS - PART 5

TRADITIONS 

Most families have their own traditions at Christmas, but a horrid parent can stick so rigidly to their way of doing things that they won’t adapt to any changes or newcomers  to the family.    

If you are hosting Christmas at your own home it is easier to choose what traditions and changes you’d like to make.  But please be tactful.  .  

Before Christmas Day make a list of what family traditions you, your husband and children  find difficult and those you prefer.  The latter is particularly important if you have a new baby, a fractious toddler or a teenager.  It’s a good idea to suggest a time for opening present when small children won’t be too tired but be aware that bedtime routines can annoy a horrid parent and can be a trigger for an argument.  Other changes could be moving  Christmas dinner from lunch-time to later in the day.  Traditions like going to church, or watching the Queen’s speech could also be resolved by agreeing that not everyone has to join in everything.  

Once you’ve worked out your likes and dislikes try to find a good moment to talk it all through with your horrid parent. Go gently and offer to compromise.  

If you are visiting your in-laws and one of them is horrid, especially if it will be your first Christmas with them, talk it through carefully with your partner in advance so you are prepared.   

ROWS 

Rows are bound to happen and can be triggered in many different ways.  Make a list of the  most common Christmas rows you have experienced and before Christmas Day practice neutral comments like: “How interesting  to hear your view” , “What a shame you feel like that” or “How about a cup of tea?” 

Whatever the subject matter is don’t get involved.  Even if you just want to change the subject count to ten before you speak.   

If your small child is in the room, take them out.  If your teenager is the cause of a row  because the horrid parent doesn’t like their hairstyle or tattoos try using one of your neutral phrases.  If a row is brewing you could quickly escape by going for a walk.    

Other advice is: 

Don’t drink too much before you arrive or during the Christmas celebrations.  It will make it easier to handle disagreements.  

Don’t feel to have to interfere or join in disagreements between other family members.

Remind yourself that everyone has personal issues.

Don’t use the occasion to bring up old arguments.

Concentrate on how you feel rather than criticising how another family member is feeling. 

Don’t take things too personally. 

If there is inevitably going to be a row at your family Christmas don’t tie yourself in knots trying to avoid it. Your horrid parents may be determined to be unpleasant.

XMAS AND HORRID PARENTS - PART 4

VISITS

If your difficult parent lives some distance away you need to accept in advance that you may have to stay over. If this sounds too much, ask a neighbour or relative if they could put you up.  Alternatively you could try to book a room in a nearby pub.    

Otherwise try to keep the visit as short as possible.  In advance make sure you tell your horrid parent what time you need to leave.  Have a proper plan that sounds genuine, for example that your teenager has to be elsewhere or you have some work to do.   

During your visit try to ensure there are various activities that could shift a bad mood or atmosphere. As well as preparing food, clearing up and regular family traditions, you could suggest  watching a particular TV programme or a dvd you have brought with you. You could go for a walk, offer to visit an elderly neighbour, or play a non-competitive game. Try to find a quiet space to retreat to if you feel over emotional or stressed. 

You also need an escape plan, if things become really unpleasant. Check with your family that they agree that it is too much to handle and want to go home. Then calmly tell your horrid parent that you’re leaving as you are not prepared to stay for any more unpleasantness.   You could thank her for any good Christmas moments so far.  

 MIXING CULTURES 

Sometimes non-Christians like to incorporate some Christian traditions into their family life, even if it is just having a Christmas tree. 

Be aware that although this could be welcome in some families but frowned on in others. . 

If your family is gathering together over Christmas don’t surprise a. religious parent by introducing Christian customs and food as they may be upset.    It’s best to gently suggest in advance what you would like to do, see how it is received and then decide whether to go ahead. You could decide it would be best to  wait until you have your own family and home.  

XMAS AND HORRID PARENTS - PART 3

FOOD 

Cooking the Christmas meal inevitably involves a lot of work, particularly if family members have strong food preferences.  An increasingly number of young people in particular have become vegetarian or vegan.  Others may be unable to eat meat or dairy due to medical issues or allergies.   Not only does it mean extra work, it can trigger an argument and give a horrid parent a reason to complain that all the demands for different food is ruining her Christmas.    

Our advice is to tell your horrid parent in advance what you, your partner or children won’t or can’t eat.  Make it clear you don’t want to make more work for her and offer to bring a course yourself. If they see this as a rejection say you will equally be happy to have the same vegetables as the rest of the family as long as they as not cooked with the turkey or covered with gravy. Try to be positive about any food that you can eat. 

If, however, you are hosting Christmas day for the family you can of course make your own plans and make both traditional dishes and special food for your guests with specific needs.  Be aware that even if you are doing all the work your horrid parent may criticise you for accommodating everyone’s wishes.  If this happens try to stay calm as Christmas is a time for kindness and making everyone feel welcome.   

LAZY RELATIVES 

When families gather there will always be those who will immediately offer to help and others who expect everything to be done for them.   This is especially true over the Christmas meal, but there is no need for anyone to be a martyr. Or feel resentful that some of the family expect to be waited on.  

Get round the problem by planning ahead and letting guests know that you are encouraging everyone to help with the preparations.  Well before Christmas choose some tasks that are appropriate for their age and ability and let them know what you’d like them to help do on the day, whether it is peeling potatoes, laying or clearing the table.  If that’s too complicated to sort out in advance have a white board ready when they arrive with a list of chores that need doing and ask them to sign up for perhaps three things. 

Try to make the preparations as fun as possible. If your horrid parent refuses to join in, try inviting them to help create a great atmosphere by choosing some carols or other music to play while everyone else is working. 

 

XMAS AND HORRID PARENTS PART 2 - PRESENTS

PRESENTS  

Be realistic about your budget, don’t be pressured into spending more than you can afford and certainly don’t feel ashamed.  If your horrid parent hates surprises ask what they would like.  They will be pleased to be in control.    

If a horrid grandparent shows blatant favouritism to one child take any other children aside, tell them you don’t approve of unfair favouritism and you will make sure they don’t miss out.   

Don’t get emotional about what you buy.  It’s unlikely to change your horrid parent’s attitude towards you and that  you are unlikely to get thanks for anything that you do. 

 Good ideas  

If there are lots of presents to buy, try to organise a Secret Santa – a group of family or friends join together to buy just one gift for one member of the group.  All names are put into a hat, each person takes one and buys that person a gift.  Alternatively buy a combined present with your siblings, but agree on a price limit first.  

Donate what you would spend on a present for your difficult parent to a good cause like a favourite charity or make a monthly payment towards the care of an animal or child.  Vouchers for the cinema, theatre or restaurant meal can also work well.   

Bad ideas 

Don’t make anything yourself as this increases your chance of feeling hurt if your horrid parent is rude about it. It’s also risky to buy clothes, a book or some music unless you know exactly what the horrid parent wants  

 Attitude to presents

Be aware that a horrid parent might use presents as a manipulative device,  expect far too much from you or are the type who are never satisfied.  Be warned that your horrid parent may, as they have done before,  criticise your present in front of everyone or compare it unfavourably with something else they have be given.

If that happens try not to show you are upset.  Instead breathe deeply in and out and focus on something very positive in your life.  

 Remind your family that if this happens how you would like them to react or if you’d prefer them to say nothing.  

If your children want to make or choose presents for a horrid grandparent keep it  low key.  Tell them how proud you are of them but that their grandparent might not respond in the same way. Alternatively choose something together so that they don’t take any criticism personally. .

CHRISTMAS AND HORRID PARENTS

Close family get-togethers make a memorable happy Christmas, but not for those who have  a horrid parent.  If you are someone who finds the festival very stressful, feel they are treading on eggs shells throughout and nervously anticipates the furore of their horrid parent we are here to help. Over the next four weeks we shall offer come up with various situations you may face plus suggestions on how to prepare yourself and be ready to cope.   

Overall we recommend you: 

keep your expectations low and realistic. 

try to be flexible and take pleasure in small things. 

talk things through with your family well before December 25 so you are prepared for what might happen and how to deal with it.  

 CHANGES IN THE FAMILY SET UP 

Christmas can be very hard if your family has split apart, whether it’s your parents who traditionally host the family Christmas, or you and your partner.  The situation may be used by a horrid parent as an opportunity to make spiteful comments so make sure you plan ahead.  If, for example your horrid parent starts to criticise your ex or you in front of your children make it clear you won’t tolerate it by taking them out of the room.   

If the split is recent and your ex lives far away it might be easier for the children to spend one Christmas with you and next year with your ex. Otherwise calmly work out who will have the children on which day. If you feel very wounded decide if it’s a good idea to spend a stressful Christmas with your horrid parent.  You might prefer to be alone or with a friend.  If so think through how to spend the day in advance so you don’t feel lonely or guilty.  For example you could volunteer at an old age home, or plan a long walk.  Keep telling yourself Christmas festivities only last a couple of days.  

FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A LOVED ONE 

Inevitably this will be a very sensitive time.  If the loss directly affects the horrid parent they may not want to show how upset they are, be particularly tense or insist on being the centre of attention throughout. 

If you or another member of the family are bereaved acknowledge that you will feel particularly  vulnerable to any unpleasant comments your horrid parent makes.      

The first Christmas will be the most painful so base your decision on where to spend Christmas on what you think is best for you and your children. Don’t feel obliged to be with your horrid parent.  If you are with your parent make sure you give yourself some private space if you need it. Work out to how to keep memories of your loved one alive within the family. Accept there will be many moments when you acutely miss the person and feel overwhelming sadness.  Work out the best way for you to manage this.  It could be a time to try some new traditions. 

Although you may feel under pressure to be with your horrid parent, if it makes an easier Christmas for you be strong enough to opt out and go your own way.  

It Was Always My Fault

My mother was never wrong.  It was always someone else’s fault and that someone was usually me.   

The worst example was when she found a lump on her breast.  I was 16 at the time.  For two weeks she didn’t come out with what actually was wrong but kept telling me that I was so disobedient and wilful that I was killing her.  There was no point in standing up for myself as that always made things worse.  Instead I politely asked what I’d done.   She came out with a long list of negative comments going back to the time I was three.   It was a nightmare time because although I didn’t like her I didn’t want to actually kill her.   

Then one day she came home late afternoon full of smiles. She was still in a good mood the next day. So I took my courage in my hands and asked politely if something really nice had happened to cheer her up.  ‘I had this lump’ she told me pointing to her left breast, ‘and thought it was cancer.  But it’s definitely not.’ 

There were no apologies for what she had put me through.  She just expected me to forget how awful she’d been.  I was totally shocked. How could her getting  cancer ever be my fault.   

I knew then that I had to get out of my home asap.  I left the following year and kept her at a distance for the rest of her very long life.

 OUR COMMENTS

How dreadful that your mother took her fear about cancer out on you. It must also have been horrid to listen to a long list of mild childhood misbehaviours that she has held onto and exaggerated out of all proportion. It is surprising that she admitted why she was so anxious but inevitably the last thing she would do is apologise for her behaviour.  

Her behaviour is one way to identify that she is a horrid parent. Sadly it quite common for someone who isn’t honest about their feelings to take personal responsibility for them. Instead they are more likely to project their usually negative feelings on to others without giving a thought on how it might affect them. It is particularly hard when a mother does this to their child who usually can’t understand what is going on. And instead that whatever the problem it must be their fault.  The effect can be long-term. As they grow up they can feel confused and unsure about their ability to make a judgement and profoundly guilty that they were the cause of their horrid parent’s distress.

The fact is that it is the adult’s responsibility to manage difficult life events however painful they might be and help their child learn to cope.  Not the other way round.  

You were wise to realise how damaged you could be by your mother and  move away as soon as you could.

I Feel So Stressed

My life is a nightmare.  My horrible mother never liked me and much preferred my two brothers.  She was also awful to our father, nagging, criticising and undermining him at every opportunity. She even  encouraged my brothers to follow her lead which they largely did until they went abroad four years ago.  My father never reacted to her insults and took her behaviour  quietly or so we thought.  When he died nearly a year ago he wrought his revenge.  His will states that he has left a small amount to me and the rest goes to a charity that he has supported all his life.  There was nothing to my mother or siblings.  He explained that he had suffered from her and my brothers quite enough and none of them, especially my mother deserved anything from him after his death.

 My mother, of course, immediately accused me of collaborating with him, which I did not.  I knew nothing about his plans.  My brothers aren’t bothered.   She told relatives and  family friends that I controlled his will and that she won’t have anything to do with me.   

I haven’t seen her since my father died but now she is ill and I am being pressurised by relatives to help look after her.  I absolutely don’t won’t to but the stress of it all is really getting to me.  

OUR COMMENTS 

It is very sad that you have lost your father, who was kind to you, especially as  you grew up with such an unpleasant mother.   His will clearly shows what he felt about your mother.  It was inevitable she would blame you  and is trying to milk sympathy because he didn’t leave her a legacy.   

It is very likely that your relatives and family friends have, over the years, been aware of your mother’s bad behaviour.  If they still want to remain close to her it is not in your best interests to make any effort to stay in touch with them.  If you keep well away you are also protected from knowing what her allegations are. If, however, you want to justify your father’s decisions,  make sure they are aware that the bulk of his estate went to his favourite charity. Your mother might not have mentioned that.   

As your mother is refusing to have anything to do with you, you have no obligation to look after her.  So ignore any pressure from relatives. Instead try to deal with the stressful feelings you have over your mother’s reaction to the will.  You may also feel caught between relief that your mother doesn’t want you to look after her and feeling guilty that you ought to.  You could try to tell any relatives who do criticise you that they are welcome to talk to your mother about what she needs and decide what to do about them. 

On a positive note it sounds that your life away from your mother is going quite well.  We hope you continue build up your confidence and be yourself.  

Dad's Legacy Left Me Criticising Myself

When I was a child I don’t think a day went by without my father criticising me for something or other.  He would ridicule everything from how I looked to my views of the world and TV programmes.     

I’ve tried hard to rid myself of the cruel things he said but they have left a terrible legacy and I now criticise myself all the time.  I am coming up to my 40th birthday, am single and haven’t really settled on a career.  So it’s about time I dealt  with it. I long for a stable and lasting relationship but I find fault with my conversations and behaviour when I am with someone and back off before the relationship has got going.  Equally if the person I want to date says they are busy on the day I suggest we meet, I think it’s an excuse because I am dull and don’t try again.  

I’ve also been stuck in a boring firm of lawyers for years because I don’t think enough of myself to convince a more dynamic company to hire me.  In addition I’m self -conscious, non sporty and  on the small side.   

I don’t need to be a go-getter or anything grandiose  but I do want to make something of my life both professionally and personally so I can feel good about myself and prove that my late father was wrong about me.  Can you help? 

OUR COMMENTS 

What a shame that your father was able to undermine your sense of self-worth. The legacy you are experiencing of being self-critical is quite common. However, on the positive side it is possible to turn things around and become the person you really are,  rather than the crushed, defeated individual he tried to create.  

Begin by taking a good look at yourself then list all your positive attributes, including academic achievements, friendships and personal characteristics. Make another list of things that you might like to try, for example a more interesting job, new hobbies and activities. Then think clearly about your friendships and relationship and what you find satisfying even if they don’t last.  Try to work out how you could improve things.   

It will help too to make notes of exactly what you criticise about yourself and think hard about how many of them sound like your father. Focus on challenging two types of criticisms.   One group should be about things can’t change, for example, your height.  Tell yourself kindly that you need to accept that you are not tall and that it is no bad thing.  The others group needs to be criticisms of you as a person.  Challenge them because they have no basis.   

Practice gently telling yourself that you are a kind and loving person, and that once you have a new job you have some positive ideas for the company. All our suggestions should help you gradually build up your self-confidence and find positive aspects in your life. Your horrid father is no longer around  so wipe away any thoughts of him and his nasty behaviour and find the strength to be yourself.

I Don't Want Mum At My Wedding

 My mother made sure I had a horrid home life and until I went to university I felt too crushed to believe anyone would like me.  I’ve since managed to overcome her best efforts to destroy me and have gathered some really special friends.    

I have even found someone I trust enough to agree to marry him.  We are scheduling the wedding for next summer and are fortunate to be able to pay for everything ourselves.   It pleases me to think that my late father would have liked my new partner, despite not having the courage to stand up to my mother and take my side.   

I couldn’t care what my mother thinks.  I’ve no intention of inviting her to the wedding.  I have had no contact with her for eight years. Nor has she tried to find me, which wouldn’t be difficult.   My friends however are trying hard to persuade me to get in touch. ‘Make amends’ they say: ‘how can you get married without your mother being there?’     

I’ve told them some of the things she did and said - recalling them has been painful - but they are not convinced.  They’ve all been lucky enough to have kind encouraging parents and just can’t believe my childhood was as awful as I describe.  I don’t want them to go off me because of my decision but if I contact my mother and she comes, I know she will be determined to ruin my day.  What should I do?

OUR COMMENTS 

How lovely you have found a life partner you can trust and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.  After all your early struggles it is a terrific achievement. Well done too for working out that keeping well away from your mother suits both of you and it’s not surprising that you don’t want to change your arrangement.  

Your friends are no doubt concerned for your best interests. However, as you point out, it’s very difficult for children who have grown up feeling loved and wanted to understand the negative childhood experiences you have gone through.    

There is, of course, no reason why you should keep trying to convince them about your horrid past, but understandable that you are unhappy they are at odds with you.  Think carefully and ask yourself if some of your earlier sense of anxiety about being liked re-surfaced?  If so keep reminding yourself about the wonderful partner  and good friends you have gathered all of whom clearly love you. 

If, despite their advice, you still don’t want to invite your mother for fear she will ruin your day, stick with it.  It’s also worth remembering that if she cme to the wedding you would  have her back in your life.  Instead do what feels right for you and your fiancé.  Perhaps choose an older friend, colleague or even someone from your fiancé’s family to be a parent figure on your special day.  You could then tell your friends that you have chosen someone you love to be with you when you get married. Go forward and have a wonderful life together.

 

 

I stopped seeing my mother eight years ago when my twin daughters were five.  She constantly criticised me in front of them, even telling them she knew I’d not make a good parent.   My girls were premature, are small for their age and both have to wear glasses which she regularly mocked.  My husband and I agreed that her behaviour was too destructive and I broke off all connection.   

Recently out of the blue and to my total surprise my girls began to criticise me for not letting them see their grandmother. (My husband’s parents died many years ago.)  They said all their friends get taken on treats but they don’t and it’s not fair  I’ve tried to gently explain what she was like and it would be unlikely if they met her that she would offer any treats.  They’ve now said I should make up with her so they can see her and now they are 13 they can decide what she’s like for themselves.   In a way I feel positive they don’t understand what a nasty mother can be like, because I am nothing like her and until now we’ve had a great relationship.  

I have no wish to see her but should I try to get in touch?  Let them see what she is really like?  Or would that harm them in some way?   

OUR COMMENTS 

You have made the right decision to protect your girls from hearing how critical their grandmother can be. It’s enabled them to grow up in a warm loving home. They are however right to decide for themselves whether or not they want a relationship with her, despite your warnings.    

There is a significant difference between occasionally coming across an unpleasant person and growing up in an environment where you are constantly criticised and feel unloved.  If you feel your mother would just be this unpleasant person, perhaps begin the process of letting them get to know your mother.  But before you do set some careful boundaries with your mother and prepare your daughters for what she might be like.   There is no need for you to get involved or make up with her yourself.  Perhaps your husband could arrange a brief initial meeting and let your girls take it from there. 

If, however, you think they would suffer even from a short visit then stick to your original decision to keep them safe. Explain to your daughters that their grandmother is not the type to give them treats like their friends experience.  You could also help them understand the relationship you have with her by going into more detail about how she made you feel.  

My Mother Said I Was A Failure

How can I stop feeling my mother was right that I am a failure?

She told me I was throughout my childhood and nothing I did, like getting good reports at school or a place at a respected university made any difference.  

It’s affected me greatly and as a result until now I’ve always taken a back seat.  I work in a small library, don’t go out much and find it hard to contact the few friends I have because a voice inside tells me they don’t really want to see me.   I feel so happy if someone contacts me and invites me out but then I worry about what to wear and what to talk about.   

Yet I also long to have a more exciting, challenging life.    I want to try acting, even  in an amateur show and also join in a local choir, but I lack courage to go to an audition as I know any rejection would endorse what my mother has said about me.  I’d like to wear more colourful clothes too but always end up with something grey, beige or black.  I also want to travel the world but get overcome by fear that I won’t manage the logistics.

 It’s ridiculous for someone who is 35 that their mother’s words still have such a profound affect.  What a horrid woman she was.   I was relieved when she died last year and hoped I would feel better about myself, but somehow I can’t.   

 OUR COMMENTS 

What a shame your mother’s criticisms and unkind behaviour continues to have such a severe impact on you.  It shows how painful being the daughter of an unloving mother can be.  Now she is no longer around to undermine you the time has come when you can work out how to liberate yourself.  

A good way to start is to write down, in capitals, all your positive achievements and characteristics - you have already mentioned several in your letter. You should include the names of people who have asked you out as they obviously must like you.   Then expand the list by writing down what you believe they see in you and why.  Think too about the reasons why they might have turned down an invitation.  For example they might genuinely be busy or already committed themselves elsewhere, neither of which has anything to do with what they think of you. Tell yourself your fears they might not like you are merely thoughts.  Then try banishing them by writing down what they are so you can challenge how realistic they may be. 

You could then list the skills that you’ve used to progress in life.  Note that any travel involves logistics so write them down so can see what you have coped with so far.  Gradually add more examples.  Remind yourself - perhaps with notes dotted around your home - that you can do certain things because you already have.   

It’s also time to start experimenting.  If you want to join a choir but find an audition too daunting, search for one that doesn’t demand an audition. There are plenty around and are often called ‘come one, come all’.   

Adult children of horrid parents often feel bad that their relationship with their parent could not be resolved and feel guilty.  If you feel that way tell yourself it’s not been your fault. 

Build up your self confidence slowly and carefully. Look for positive things in life and avoid what could become one of your mother’s self-fulfilling prophecies about you. You will be able to do this with time and encouragement from your friends.