I stopped seeing my mother eight years ago when my twin daughters were five.  She constantly criticised me in front of them, even telling them she knew I’d not make a good parent.   My girls were premature, are small for their age and both have to wear glasses which she regularly mocked.  My husband and I agreed that her behaviour was too destructive and I broke off all connection.   

Recently out of the blue and to my total surprise my girls began to criticise me for not letting them see their grandmother. (My husband’s parents died many years ago.)  They said all their friends get taken on treats but they don’t and it’s not fair  I’ve tried to gently explain what she was like and it would be unlikely if they met her that she would offer any treats.  They’ve now said I should make up with her so they can see her and now they are 13 they can decide what she’s like for themselves.   In a way I feel positive they don’t understand what a nasty mother can be like, because I am nothing like her and until now we’ve had a great relationship.  

I have no wish to see her but should I try to get in touch?  Let them see what she is really like?  Or would that harm them in some way?   

OUR COMMENTS 

You have made the right decision to protect your girls from hearing how critical their grandmother can be. It’s enabled them to grow up in a warm loving home. They are however right to decide for themselves whether or not they want a relationship with her, despite your warnings.    

There is a significant difference between occasionally coming across an unpleasant person and growing up in an environment where you are constantly criticised and feel unloved.  If you feel your mother would just be this unpleasant person, perhaps begin the process of letting them get to know your mother.  But before you do set some careful boundaries with your mother and prepare your daughters for what she might be like.   There is no need for you to get involved or make up with her yourself.  Perhaps your husband could arrange a brief initial meeting and let your girls take it from there. 

If, however, you think they would suffer even from a short visit then stick to your original decision to keep them safe. Explain to your daughters that their grandmother is not the type to give them treats like their friends experience.  You could also help them understand the relationship you have with her by going into more detail about how she made you feel.