It’s affected me greatly and as a result until now I’ve always taken a back seat. I work in a small library, don’t go out much and find it hard to contact the few friends I have because a voice inside tells me they don’t really want to see me. I feel so happy if someone contacts me and invites me out but then I worry about what to wear and what to talk about.
Yet I also long to have a more exciting, challenging life. I want to try acting, even in an amateur show and also join in a local choir, but I lack courage to go to an audition as I know any rejection would endorse what my mother has said about me. I’d like to wear more colourful clothes too but always end up with something grey, beige or black. I also want to travel the world but get overcome by fear that I won’t manage the logistics.
It’s ridiculous for someone who is 35 that their mother’s words still have such a profound affect. What a horrid woman she was. I was relieved when she died last year and hoped I would feel better about myself, but somehow I can’t.
OUR COMMENTS
What a shame your mother’s criticisms and unkind behaviour continues to have such a severe impact on you. It shows how painful being the daughter of an unloving mother can be. Now she is no longer around to undermine you the time has come when you can work out how to liberate yourself.
A good way to start is to write down, in capitals, all your positive achievements and characteristics - you have already mentioned several in your letter. You should include the names of people who have asked you out as they obviously must like you. Then expand the list by writing down what you believe they see in you and why. Think too about the reasons why they might have turned down an invitation. For example they might genuinely be busy or already committed themselves elsewhere, neither of which has anything to do with what they think of you. Tell yourself your fears they might not like you are merely thoughts. Then try banishing them by writing down what they are so you can challenge how realistic they may be.
You could then list the skills that you’ve used to progress in life. Note that any travel involves logistics so write them down so can see what you have coped with so far. Gradually add more examples. Remind yourself - perhaps with notes dotted around your home - that you can do certain things because you already have.
It’s also time to start experimenting. If you want to join a choir but find an audition too daunting, search for one that doesn’t demand an audition. There are plenty around and are often called ‘come one, come all’.
Adult children of horrid parents often feel bad that their relationship with their parent could not be resolved and feel guilty. If you feel that way tell yourself it’s not been your fault.
Build up your self confidence slowly and carefully. Look for positive things in life and avoid what could become one of your mother’s self-fulfilling prophecies about you. You will be able to do this with time and encouragement from your friends.
