When I was a child I don’t think a day went by without my father criticising me for something or other. He would ridicule everything from how I looked to my views of the world and TV programmes.
I’ve tried hard to rid myself of the cruel things he said but they have left a terrible legacy and I now criticise myself all the time. I am coming up to my 40th birthday, am single and haven’t really settled on a career. So it’s about time I dealt with it. I long for a stable and lasting relationship but I find fault with my conversations and behaviour when I am with someone and back off before the relationship has got going. Equally if the person I want to date says they are busy on the day I suggest we meet, I think it’s an excuse because I am dull and don’t try again.
I’ve also been stuck in a boring firm of lawyers for years because I don’t think enough of myself to convince a more dynamic company to hire me. In addition I’m self -conscious, non sporty and on the small side.
I don’t need to be a go-getter or anything grandiose but I do want to make something of my life both professionally and personally so I can feel good about myself and prove that my late father was wrong about me. Can you help?
OUR COMMENTS
What a shame that your father was able to undermine your sense of self-worth. The legacy you are experiencing of being self-critical is quite common. However, on the positive side it is possible to turn things around and become the person you really are, rather than the crushed, defeated individual he tried to create.
Begin by taking a good look at yourself then list all your positive attributes, including academic achievements, friendships and personal characteristics. Make another list of things that you might like to try, for example a more interesting job, new hobbies and activities. Then think clearly about your friendships and relationship and what you find satisfying even if they don’t last. Try to work out how you could improve things.
It will help too to make notes of exactly what you criticise about yourself and think hard about how many of them sound like your father. Focus on challenging two types of criticisms. One group should be about things can’t change, for example, your height. Tell yourself kindly that you need to accept that you are not tall and that it is no bad thing. The others group needs to be criticisms of you as a person. Challenge them because they have no basis.
Practice gently telling yourself that you are a kind and loving person, and that once you have a new job you have some positive ideas for the company. All our suggestions should help you gradually build up your self-confidence and find positive aspects in your life. Your horrid father is no longer around so wipe away any thoughts of him and his nasty behaviour and find the strength to be yourself.