My Horrid Mother-in-Law Upsets My Children

I realised my mother-in-law disliked me from the start.  My husband tried to re-assure me saying all would be well.  That at 40 he had his own life to lead and very much wanted to marry me.  

In my innocence I believed him.   I told myself someone as good looking, easy going and adaptable as he was would make any mother proud.  However, it turned out that I was the problem and after our marriage she made it clear that she thought I was nowhere good enough for her boy.  When she came over, often uninvited, she would criticise me nonstop.  My kitchen wasn’t clean enough, my cooking was tasteless and her poor boy’s shirts weren’t properly ironed.   

Things got worse when we had two children in quick succession.  She once even told me I was as bad a mother as I was a wife. Sadly my husband wouldn’t stand up for me  but I did manage to persuade him we had to move far away so we could escape her criticisms.     

He couldn’t settle claiming that he didn’t like his new job but I could tell it was really because he couldn’t cope with being away from his mother.  The divorce was reasonably civilised and we agreed on joint custody.  What I didn’t realise at first was that whenever he saw the children he always took them to see his mother.  It would have been ok in theory but in practice they came back dreadfully upset and eventually let me know that they didn’t like how rude their grandmother was about me and that she kept repeating that I was a terrible mother. 

I have told my husband that I don’t want them to see her but he is taking no notice.  What can I do?

OUR COMMENTS 

It must be hard for you to experience such nastiness from your undermining mother-in-law. You have also had to survive a divorce and all the difficulties it causes with your two children. 

We’re sure you know that it’s very painful for children to be caught between parents. To protect them as much as possible you need to keep trying to sort out the problems you have with your ex-husband. Rather than saying that you don’t want them to visit their grandmother it might be better to let him know what your children have said.  Tell him you are sure he doesn’t want his children upset and urge him to deal with the problem.  Ask him gently how he would feel if it had happened to him when he was a child and whether he believes his children should hear their mother bad-mouthed?  

Meanwhile you could try to help your children cope with difficult people. Explain in ways they can understand that people have different opinions and discuss what is and isn’t acceptable to voice.  Also help them manage feeling uncomfortable about what people say.  In addition perhaps suggest they ask their father to help them cope when they visit his mother.  

You were sensible enough to have a civilised divorce and need to keep trying to have a respectful relationship while you are both caring for your children.   You may have different ways of bringing them up but you should be able to agree to work together to cope with any problems they have as they grow up.