A Painful Start to the New Year

As I start 2019, I am having my usual feelings of dread.   My mother is nearly 80 and going very strong.  I can sense she is determined to outlive me.  Unlikely I admit but that’s the sensation I get.  

Of course I could try new year resolutions to improve various aspects of my life like losing a bit of weight, taking more exercise and cutting down on eating chocolate, but  they are pretty insignificant and never touch what is really wrong. 

The problem is I feel badly damaged by my mother and despite my best efforts my feeling of hurt is always there, sometimes in the background, sometimes in the forefront.  I have fought hard and managed to find a career I enjoy and work for a charity that helps people who have lost far more than I have.  I am on my second marriage, which is working well and have one child I adore.   But it’s a full time battle to convince myself that I deserve happiness.  If I have a disagreement with my husband or daughter, even over something trivial, I feel waves of panic in case one or both of them turn against me.  It’s irrational I know but it’s the same if someone criticises me at work although at a lower level.  As for friends, if we are not in contact for a while,  I think they have gone off me.  I have to brace myself to make contact to find out if I’m right, but so far their absence has been nothing to do with their feelings for me.   Please can you suggest ways that get to the core of the problems that might help me. 

OUR COMMENTS 

At the start of a new year we are encouraged to take stock of ourselves, to review our progress and set goals. So this is a great time to start to learn how best to manage your complex feelings about your mother.  

Despite your upbringing you have done well to have a successful marriage, a child you adore and a good career, so start by giving yourself credit for these achievements.  

Deep hurt lingers but there are ways to face the pain and accept what has happened. One way is to make a note of your recurring thoughts about your mother and your scary feelings about your family and friends.  For example your thought that your mother is determined to outlive you is just that, a thought.  Nonetheless it has the power to derail you.

Include that on a written-down list of all your scary thoughts, go through them carefully asking yourself if there is any supportive evidence to any of them.  If there isn’t try to erase the thought from your mind by imagining you are putting a line through.  Or write it down, screw up the paper and throw it away. This might help free yourself to look realistically at your pain.  

Do talk to your husband about some of your anxieties too as he may be able to reassure you. Our website has many more suggestions to help you manage better, and you could also consider counselling.  Above all remember you are not alone, it is not your fault, and you didn’t deserve this. 

2019 Here We Come!

New Year Resolutions are often doomed to failure because they are too ambitious.  They can also be rather boring.  Instead of giving yourself unrealistic expectations, why not approach the new year in a different way that hopefully will make you feel good about yourself, be more confident and better able to cope with your horrid parent.    Our suggestions offer you things to think about, things to write down and things to remember.

 1.  Before the new year begins try to clear your mind of obsessions, big or small  that have been bugging you in 2018.  This could include minor irritations about people you know, the amount of time you spend looking for your keys or something someone said to you ages ago that still makes you feel bad.  Either deliberately park them at the back of your mind and refuse to dwell on them any more.  Or write them down, scrunch up the paper unto a small ball, then throw it away.  This should help you welcome in 2019 feeling less bogged down by trivia. 

 2. Write down three things that you are good at.  It doesn’t matter what they are and they can be as simple as remembering football scores, making muffins or doing crosswords.

 3.  Write down three kind things you have done for a friend, relative or an animal.  These can be simple too and include phoning someone to see how they are, stroking your pet or helping a blind person cross the road.     

4.  Finally write down one thing you have done this year that’s enabled you cope when your parent was being horrid to you.  Remind yourself how effective it was, how it made you feel and if you could modify it to use in other slightly different but equally unpleasant situations.    

There are also three important things to remember about your horrid parent. 

You will not be able to change them.  

Your parent arrived on earth well before you did and therefore you are not to blame for their behaviour or characteristics.   

You are not alone.  It is the unfortunate fate of many others to cope with similar experiences.   

We can’t foresee what will happen in the world but we can help ourselves.  We hope this assist you in getting the new year off to a positive start

Grandmothers and Mothers

It’s my grandmother’s 90th birthday just after Christmas and she is coming from her nursing home to join my mother and me on Christmas Day so we can celebrate the occasion at my mother’s home.  My grandmother is physically quite unwell, but her mind is as sharp as a razor.  She dislikes my mother which is possibly why my mother dislikes me.  My wife left me during the year and our five-year-old twins are spending this Christmas with her.  It’s been a stressful time which I am beginning to recover from and I am determined that I am not going to let a bad atmosphere or spiteful comments from either of them get to me.  I shall think of myself as a duck for the day and let whatever they say just roll off me.  If it becomes unpleasant it won’t be my fault.  Do you think that will work? My grandmother dislikes Christmas pudding as I do and I am planning to leave just after the turkey.

Our comments: 

It must be hard for you to have separated from your wife and not having your twins with you over Christmas. There is still time to think ahead and prepare yourself for difficult moments.  There are several ways to do this and imagining you are a duck so that nastiness rolls off you is a great idea. Another possibility is to imagine there is an impenetrable shield around you, so that any arrows thrown at you automatically bounce off.  You could also think of a brief mantra to chant in your head whenever you hear a mean comment, such as ‘I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok.’ or ‘that won’t hurt me’ or  even ‘la la la’. 

It’s also important to give yourself some space and time alone over Christmas. You are bound to miss your own family and there will inevitably be some unpleasant comments to cope with. Plan to use this time well by choosing to listen to soothing music, lighting a candle, doing some yoga, reading or going for a walk.  Meditation/mindfulness can  also soothe worrying thoughts and it is a good idea to practice  some simple and quick exercises before Christmas.  

Do try and keep your visit brief and remember that if either your mother or grandmother are unkind it is not your fault.

Christmas and Teenagers

A Selection of our Followers Concerns over the Holiday Period

Week 2

This will be the first Christmas Day I will be spending with my parents for some years and my husband and two teenage daughters will be with me. One of our daughters is very accommodating but Jill, (not her real name) the older one is going through a rebellious phase and will turn up with tattoos, piercings and very strong views, all of which my father will hate. I am worried that it will ruin the festivities, which traditionally are very fraught. Should I warn my parents in advance about Jill or wait until we arrive, ask Dad to take no notice and explain that it is probably just a passing teenage phase and to please not let it spoil our family Christmas? Of course I don’t want him to launch into me either and tell me I am a lousy parent, which is what he thought I’d always be. Luckily my husband understands by now what my father is like and will try to divert him into football talk which he even mugs up on before we go.

Our comments

What a shame that after several years your reunion with your family at Christmas fills you with dread. It’s a good idea to think through some of the possible pitfalls in advance and try to work out a coping strategy. It may not avoid your Father’s critical comments, but will make you aware of what might be said.

It is great that your husband supports you and has practical ideas to help the situation. You might think of recruiting your daughters in the same way. Perhaps suggest they think of ideas of jollying their grandfather along. Despite the tattoos Jill might be able to charm and soften him. Do remind them before you go that a key strategy in families is to be tactful and not cause offence.

We also think that you should warn them about her appearance as a shock could make them react even more strongly. If your parents choose to spoil Christmas because of what their granddaughter looks like or something any of you say there is little you can do about it. However, if either of them are unkind to your daughters do step in to protect them. There is no need to apologise for how your daughter looks.

In addition, if they criticise your parenting remind yourself that allowing your daughters the freedom to express themselves as they wish, is what has made you a great mother. You should also seek an early exit.

Christmas Holidays

A selection of our followers concerns over the holiday period. Each week we will be looking at a different problem

Week 1

I am dreading our family Christmas. Not least because my mother seems to lie in wait to criticise me and regularly loses her temper if I have a different view to her. She also gets very stressed over the meal and getting everything ready at the same time. The two particular issues this year is that we have a new baby who will obviously need a lot of attention and I know how hard she finds it to be flexible over timing. The other issue is that my husband and I have given up eating meat. I have already told her this over the phone but she abruptly ended the call by telling me I was the most ungrateful daughter in the world. I don’t know whether to call again and offer to bring something with me, just eat the vegetables, which knowing her she will cook in the same dish as the turkey. Or just stick with the smoked salmon starter and Christmas pudding. I am also thinking whether it would make things worse or better if, when we arrive, I said something along the lines that I know she doesn’t approve of us being non meat eaters but we don’t want to spoil her traditions and we are delighted to be with the family at this special time. We are not of course but I do want a peaceful day. As a last resort of course we have decided to use our baby as an excuse to go early but it’s a two hour drive each way so we’d like to avoid that if we can.

Our comments

It sounds like whatever you do your mother will get upset, so keep that in mind when you you’re your decisions. You are right to try and have as peaceful a day as possible, but you it may well be outside of your control. You decided to visit your mother and family so being as pleasant and reasonable as possible is important. As are your baby’s needs.

We think you should try to talk to your mother ahead of the day about timing, particularly of the meal. This will give you an opportunity to remind her that you and your husband will not be eating meat and to ask her about her preferred option. When you know roughly when your mother will want to serve the Christmas meal, you could try timing the baby’s naps around that.

Be aware that your agreed plans could get sabotaged. If your baby is fretful you could take it in turns to look after him or her so the meal is not interrupted. Your ideas for the starter and pudding could work well. Of course your mother might make unpleasant comments but your can’t do more than your best to fit in.

Festive meals can be a minefield and you may well have to cope with her criticisms and uncharitable remarks. Don’t blame yourself if this happens and feel free to leave if it gets too much. Maybe plan something special to look forward to when you get home.

My Ungrateful Mother

Choosing a Christmas present for my mother has always been a nightmare as she makes ungrateful snide comments about whatever I have chosen.   I try not to let it spoil my Christmas but it’s always a tense time.  

I’ve tried everything.  If I buy her clothes, she says I am insulting her by buying a big size, when she and I both know she is a UK 18.  If I try perfume, she’s says she’s gone off that scent ‘long ago.’  If I choose chocolates she claims I’m trying to make her fat  and if it’s something like a scarf or gloves she mocks me for giving her present no thoughts at all.   

 For a couple of years I thought I’d solved the problem as my two sisters and I clubbed together to buy her something.  But it only provoked the most unpleasant childish sulk that lasted all day because she only had one present rather than three.   

The underlying problem is that I am the eldest and she likes me least. She felt certain she was having a boy and had even painted my bedroom blue.  She’s made it clear that I failed her from the start and even started a trend for her to have girls.  Of course she knows none of it can possibly be my fault, but it gives her endless opportunities to try to blame me for everything.   

This year I am so fed up that I’ve thought of giving the money I would spent on a present to a water project in Africa on her behalf and just giving her the certificate.  But I don’t know if I dare, particularly as she has racist tendencies. 

Can you help me out here? 

Our comments 

Choosing a present for a horrid parent is often a minefield, because however much thought you put into your choice you will usually be derided.  We suggest you keep your expectations low so you will not be disappointed when she rubbishes whatever you have bought.  If you keep hoping to satisfy your mother then you are continuing to play the ‘game’ that she has set up for you. So try to step back from this manipulation. 

As for what to buy, you can choose a gift that she might like, even if she doesn’t acknowledge it. . You could get her a neutral gift token from a department store so she can choose what she wants. Or as you suggest send a donation to a charity in her name but do choose something you think  she would support.

It is not your fault that you were not the boy she wanted. Keep believing in yourself as the strong person that you have become, despite her unkindness and try to find joy elsewhere during the Christmas period.

Positive V Negative

I have a positive, optimistic friend who has known me since I was six and over the years has tried to help me cope with my horrid mother, who I thoroughly disliked. 

I am now in my thirties but throughout my childhood she endlessly criticised, undermined and belittled me.  I was always walking on eggshells trying hard to avoid her being nasty to me.  Mostly I failed.  She was so unpredictable that even now I shudder when I think about it.  

When my mother died last year – my father predeceased her – I felt liberated and it  was an incredible relief to build my own life. Even sitting in my flat, peacefully and  undisturbed remains special.   My friend recently suggested that it was about time I stopped clinging to all the negative things about her and tried to move on.  She told me my mother couldn’t have been one hundred percent bad and I should to try to find a few good things about her and how she brought me up. It wasn’t easy but eventually I came up with a few.  I had a good education.  I am self- reliant because I learnt to block off all her spiteful comments and I don’t let anyone else treat me as she did.  I also very much want to be loved.  I surprised myself by what I came out with and took my friend out to dinner to thank her for her patience and kindness.  I am emailing you in case you want to use my experience to help others who may not have tried this.  Of course it doesn’t erase all the unpleasant memories but it has moved me away from a dark place.   

OUR COMMENTS 

Thank you for contacting us.  Being able to accept the good alongside the bad is a healthy position to reach. The journey is often hard, as you have found, and for some it may be impossible.  

Your friend is correct that most people have something about them that can be appreciated. This may not have anything to do with their personality but instead about their values or a skill they may have.  For example a controlling parent can instil a powerful motivation into their child by giving them a good education.  A critical parent can, by teaching  practical skills in the home or garden can pass on useful knowledge and a bullying parent might also foster a love of music, reading or travel in their child that can become inspirational.  They are at least some things to be grateful for.   

There is also the flip side to a horrid parent’s behaviour.  Unknowingly they can give their child a  template for how NOT to behave in a relationship and how NOT to parent a child.  It is a good idea to jot  down some of the attributes that you have noticed and hold them  alongside your negative feelings. Being able to work out the path you want to take and succeeding must give you a lot of satisfaction. 

Trying Too Hard to be Perfect

I have two daughters aged nine and eleven.  From the moment they were born I felt desperate for them to love me and I’ve bent over backwards to be the perfect father.  I’m very protective; if they fall over I sympathise and hug them until they feel better.  I also try to sort out any problems they have big or very small.  For example my daughters often fall out with other girls in their class.  My wife tells me this happens with girls quite a lot and I should let them sort it out themselves, but sometimes I can’t and I speak to their teacher on their behalf.  They are also both competitive and can get quite jealous if, for example, their sibling wins a game.  The one who has lost sulks and claims: ‘it’s not fair’.   

The result of my dedication has not at all been what I expected.  They show me little respect.  Instead both of them order me about as if I am some low grade employee.  They demand I find their shoes, homework or anything else they have misplaced.  They tell me off.  ‘I’ve told you again and again that I don’t like scrambled egg.  How many more times?’  They do still, I’m pleased to say climb on my lap and as for a cuddle. 

My wife is sympathetic but tells me I shouldn’t put up with their bad behaviour that they need boundaries.  But it’s easier said than done.  My father undermined me throughout my childhood, so it’s been a struggle to build my confidence.   I just don’t want them to feel about me what I felt about him.  I know I must do something before they become teenagers, but I don’t now quite what.  Can you help me please? 

OUR COMMENTS 

It is understandable that, after your own experience with your father, you have tried to be the best dad you can be.  That’s marvellous but please remember you don’t have to be perfect. Being a loving father also means guiding your daughters when necessary and, as your wife suggests, setting boundaries.  We are not talking about controlling them, but but ensuring they are not over- indulged and spoilt.

At the moment it sounds as if your girls also need to show you more respect.  If they are demanding or rude you can gently say that you will respond when they ask politely.  If they can’t find something try suggesting you both look together rather than break off from whatever you are doing to do it yourself.  It will also give you the opportunity to praise them for finding whatever it is they’ve lost.  

It’s also a good idea as they grow older to give them general advice particularly about how to get on with others and negotiate tricky situations.  It is equally important that they begin to do more of this for themselves.  It will help them build up their confidence - something that you have found difficult to do with your father. 

Your understanding wife seems to have ideas about how to gently but firmly set boundaries.  Can you discuss this together and learn from her example? You will find that it is ok to say ‘no’ yet still be loved.

 

When Mother Doesn't Know Best

When Mother Doesn’t Know Best.

My mother has absolutely no idea what I am really like. Nor does it seem to bother her. Although I am now middle aged, she still berates me if I don’t sit still when I’m eating and reminds me I was just the same when I was three and she was trying to brush my very curly hair. ‘You’ll never change’ she says almost triumphantly. ‘You just don’t do what you are told. Let’s face it you are just spoilt and wilful.’ She even warned my husband, when we got engaged that I was a trouble maker. He comes from an easy- going, stable family and was absolutely flabbergasted by her comment. Worst of all was telling him I was a slut because I had a lot of boyfriends before I met him. He told me he wouldn’t be able to contain his anger if he saw her and kept away her for several weeks until he felt able to face her again..

When I got pregnant with my first child she told me I would make a ‘terrible mother’ because I was selfish, always put my needs first and couldn’t even keep my bedroom tidy when I lived at home.

We now laugh at her ridiculous comments and both think she’s probably trying to get back at me for something that happened way back in her own life. As far as I’m concerned she makes very little impact on either of us now but my husband still finds her disloyalty to me very unpleasant. Are we right about her being damaged by her past?

OUR COMMENTS:

Your mother obviously hangs on to minor events from your childhood and still wants to punish you for them. Worse than that she has such a negative view of you as an adult that she has doesn’t mind at all about spoiling your future happiness. It is astonishing that you’ve coped. Not only do you not allow her nasty comments to wound you but find they are so ridiculous they make you laugh. Well done!

It’s no surprise that your husband is appalled by her behaviour and very positive that you discuss together why she might be as she is. It may indeed be something from her own childhood. She could, for example, have had a horrid parent herself - something you might explore with relatives should you want to. Or she may have been very disappointed by her marriage. Nevertheless her own bad experiences are no excuse for her to heap insults on you now. Her own past is, of course, not remotely your fault and rather than take out her frustrations on you she should have tried to be as good a parent as possible.

As your husband finds her meanness to you so hard to manage, you could work out together how you might become less involved with her.

Waves of Resentment

Waves of Resentment

Very few people know I had a horrid mother and despite it I think I’ve managed to live my life quite well.   My eyes were open to her nasty sides when I was eighteen and realised that her aim was to put me down, destroy my confidence and belittle whatever I achieved.  

I told myself repeatedly that I was made of sterner stuff and worked hard to see how others lived and turn my miserable childhood into something positive.  I also chose not to talk about my childhood experiences as I felt it could turn me into a victim.  Nor did I want anyone to feel sorry for me. 

 By the time I had a satisfying career in medicine and got married in my late  thirties I believed I had left my past behind me. I had told my husband that I didn’t get on with my mother but rarely related examples of her vile behaviour.  It was important for me to move on. I never got pregnant which I thought at the time was quite a good thing as I was worried in case I became my mother.  

I managed to maintain a very loose relationship with her.  I was relieved when she died about fifteen years ago and have never once visited her grave. My father, who was a kind man, died some time before her.

 But it hasn’t been as straightforward as I thought.  Waves of resentment sometimes overwhelm me, particularly when I see two or three generations of a family together enjoying themselves and accepting each others’ faults.  My mother fell out with both her own and my father’s family and my husband was an only child so we don’t have other relations to turn to.  I also resent that I had such a tough time when I was young. I  hate feeling like this and don’t want to bring it out into the open.

 I came across your great website quite by chance and wonder if you could offer some suggestions to help me deal with them. Please don’t tell me to go see a therapist.  I don’t want to dig everything up from so long ago.  I am strong and would like to manage this on my own.  

 OUR THOUGHTS:

Well done - you have succeeded in your aim to survive and have a positive life on your terms. It must have taken great courage and determination. Unfortunately coming to terms with having had a horrid parent who made your childhood so unhappy is never easy. The families you observe tolerating each others faults are unlikely to have suffered your sort of pain. It’s much easier to cope with everyday ups and downs within a family if each member love and respect each other enough. Sadly it is not something that underpinned your childhood.

It sounds as if you have stored away your mother’s hurtful comments and behaviours but not been able to resolve them. It means they can at times spill into your current life and make you feel very resentful. Some people benefit from talking to a therapist but this option is not for you. However the pain you are experiencing inside suggests that you need to find a way of dealing with it as it won’t go away of it’s own accord. Otherwise you remain stuck within your relationship with your mother.

You could try to help yourself by making several lists. One: of your achievements big and small. Two: your personal attributes and the names of any role models who have supported you over the years like teachers, mentors and friends. Three: the names of your loved ones who value and appreciate you. This should help you realise you are a good person and have moved far away from being like your mother. Try to accept this reality.

Next you need to look at painful episodes you experienced. Jot down, as slowly as you like, every one of her unkind comments or nasty behaviour you can remember. It should not only help you see the extent of her bullying, but also begin to free you from the hurt. If this works for you try to make your story into a more coherent whole. It may help you gain some understanding of why she behaved like as she did. This will help you get some perspective.

If you feel strong enough after all this try to have an imaginary conversation with your mother telling her exactly what you think of her and why. You could even role-play an apology. Alternatively jot down examples of her bad behaviour and release your pain through physical exercise. Hitting a punch bag hard with a particular memory in mind can help.

Meanwhile do use your strength to move on and find the fulfillment you deserve.

A Threatening Mother

My mother has been threatening me on and off since childhood.  If I didn’t do what she wanted when I was a child she would say I couldn’t go to a party or even celebrate my own birthday when it came around.  When I finished uni she threatened that if I left home before I got married – I’m nearly 60 and in those days you didn’t – she would write me out of her will.  More recently she’s said that if I refuse to do her shopping she will tell ‘everyone’ that I don’t care if she starves to death.  On and on the threats have gone.  Despite being irrational and completely over the top they still sometimes wound me.    

Fortunately mostly I can cope.  It’s a bit like surfing a verbal wave every month or so.  The change came a few months ago when I became a grandmother myself. It somehow made me decide that enough was enough and I would no longer put up with her threats. 

I told her so quite calmly and simply.  I know she is furious but I suspect she is also rather afraid.   

I am not sure of what to do next.  Can you offer some ideas? 

OUR COMMENTS 

It is not easy to stand up to a bully but it sounds as if you have found a way.  You have also sensed it’s made a difference in your mother’s behaviour.  So stand your ground and capitalise on your progress. Think about the sorts of demands that she is likely to make and work out your   boundaries. For example if she doesn’t ask you politely to do something, you won’t be available. You could also decide in advance what tasks you are willing to carry out and those that you feel are unreasonable.  Prepare some careful and calm replies to potential scenarios so you can talk gently but firmly to her.  If, for example she starts threatening you, tell her you are ending the phone call or offer to drop round to see  her later.  It might also help if you could find someone who could share some of the responsibility for her shopping and other needs.   

Try not to worry if she threatens to bad mouth you to other family members or even neighbours as they are likely to know what she is like.  If they do take her side, have as little to do with them as possible and tell yourself it is their loss.   

It must be wonderful to be a grandmother and feel the joy of a loving  relationship.

 

 

My Mother The Credit Card Thief

It’s almost unbelievable but I found myself overdrawn at the bank because my mother has been using my credit card details to buy things for herself on Amazon. 

She lives comfortably and she is still working so I assume she is not short of money.  Even worse, she didn’t mention a word about it to me.  It was desperately embarrassing as my bank called about being overdrawn and I told them firmly that it wasn’t possible.  I was really shocked when I looked on line and assumed that my account had been hacked.   

The only way I found out she was the culprit was when I told her what had happened during our weekly phone call. I’m always looking for something innocuous to say to pass the time and this seemed as good a subject as any.   

She listened then said: ‘Ah that was me. I couldn’t find my card so I used the details on yours.’  It took a great deal of effort to keep my voice calm, because I know from my childhood if I shouted she would shout back much louder.  Instead I said I looked after my expenditure very carefully and would have appreciated knowing what she was doing in advance.  She laughed and said it was about time I paid some things for her after all she did for me when I was small.  

I have acquired a new credit card, which I am not telling her about and make sure it is never on view.  But fancy not even apologising.  But then she is never in the wrong.  

OUR COMMENTS: 

It must be deeply shocking to realise the extent to which your horrid parent can’t be trusted. Sadly this can happen all too often when a parent has an over inflated sense of their own entitlement and disregards their offspring.  They may casually use their child’s money, take items from their room or home, or even someone else’s belongings, often using the  ridiculous justification that the person it belonged to ‘wasn’t looking after it properly’.  

You are fortunate that your mother admitted her theft - for that is what it is – a horrid parent like her will usually react very badly to being found out and challenged.  

You have also done well to manage your mother by selecting topics of conversation that should avoid trouble, as well as staying calm when she laughed in response to your request to be told in advance about using your money.  It reflects how well you are coping.

Do remind yourself that you don’t owe your parent anything beyond common courtesy.

 

Unfair Parents

I know it sounds childish to complain you are not being treated fairly by your parents when you are already a parent yourself, but that’s how I feel.  

I am the third of four children and being honest the most ordinary.  My two brothers and sister are high flyers and one is quite a celebrity.  They’ve married society people have beautiful children and made our parents proud.   

I on the other hand have had mental health issues and have been very depressed several times in my life. At times it’s been a real struggle managing and made life harder for me than it has been for them.  On the other hand I am quite proud of myself.  I hold down a job and have a girlfriend who really cares about me and can cope when I feel down.  I do however earn a fraction of what my siblings take home because I am careful not to put myself under too much pressure.  

I am grumbling because my parents are now at an age when they are thinking about planning for the future. They have given my brothers and sister a very generous amount of cash and have told them their paintings and pottery collection is to be divided between the three of them.  So far I haven’t been included in this generosity, which would really help me buy a small flat.  My siblings who are not unkind offered to speak to my parents on my behalf but I decided to address it myself.  It took a lot of courage.  Their response was that I wasn’t married, had no children and hadn’t done particularly well for myself so they weren’t sure I deserved their help.  It was breathtakingly awful, made me feel very vulnerable and I don’t know what to do.   

OUR COMMENTS 

It is not childish to recognise and resent being unfairly treated, especially by ones parents.  In theory all parents should do their best to love all their children equally and unconditionally and some believe that a child who needs more help should get it. Do you ever wonder if your parents would have been so uncaring if you had had a physical disability rather than mental health problems?

You have done incredibly well to support yourself and cope and live with your difficulties. Your siblings sound sympathetic too so in future it might be worth exploring your situation with them rather than tackling your unkind and thoughtless parents. In some families where the parents overtly favour some siblings over the others, they get together to pool any financial gifts and divide the sum equally.  

Today is World Mental Health Day, which is designed to raise awareness of how people can suffer and what resources and support they may need. This year the theme is how to support young people’s mental health in a changing world. You might find some of the material being published helpful.

 Do stay on top of your progress and try not to let your parents’ behaviour get you down. Take pride in what you have achieved as they have probably taken more effort than your siblings’ achievements.

 

 

The Silent Treatment

I am a 48-year-old man holding down a senior position in the financial world and my mother still treats me like a child.  A key memory of my childhood is of her not speaking to me, sometimes for several days at a time if I displeased her in any way.  Often I wouldn’t know what I had done wrong.  If I asked, she’d not reply.  As a result there was often a terrible atmosphere at home.    

She didn’t speak to me for two weeks after my wedding for some slight she won’t discuss.  My wife thought it might have been something to do with the table plan as we chose not to have a top table in case she caused trouble.  I asked my late father at the time if he knew what was wrong but he wasn’t in the least helpful and said the usual: “well, you know what she is like?”   My wife and I call it The Silent Treatment. 

She remains unable to discuss things in an adult way.  I wouldn’t take any notice except for the fact that she is now quite elderly and lives alone.  If she doesn’t return my calls I worry about what might have happened to her.  I try to ring at least once a week and pop round to see her every fortnight.  I keep both quite short to avoid confrontation. She gets cross if I change dates or times, but this is sometimes unavoidable due to work commitments. 

 Any tips on how I can manage this?

 OUR COMMENTS 

It is really hard to manage a horrid parent who refused to communicate and it gets tougher as they age. She is obviously trying to punish you but you seem to be managing pretty well communicating regularly but briefly.   

It might help if you could start a gentle conversation with her about  what options of support she might need as she grows older.  It won’t be easy and is likely to need several attempts. She may totally resist a logical conversation but it is important for you to try. A good start is for you to find out about local schemes that provide services such as a personal alarm system for the elderly. You haven’t let us know if you have siblings as it would be a good idea to talk it through with them and perhaps her friends and neighbours.   

Ultimately though this is her life and she needs to choose any plans.  If she refuses to discuss the matter we feel there is no reason for you to change your arrangements. Her lack of response may well be to raise your anxiety and manipulate you into visiting her. 

In addition you should continue to be firm and clear about your work commitments when you have to adjust your visits. Remind yourself that her treatment of you is very childish and unkind and her behaviour is not your fault.

Control Freak Mother-in-Law

CONTROL FREAK MOTHER IN LAW

My mother-in-law is a control freak and now she and her daughter, my wife Sue (not her real name) seem to have ganged up on me, which is very undermining.

I knew she was difficult from the start but never imagined it would go this far. For example she ‘helped out’ with the décor of our first flat, saying Sue was ‘much too busy.’ I am not that interested in colour schemes so I didn’t mind, but I don’t want it to look like a mini version of her home. When Sue got pregnant we made the mistake of revealing that the baby was a girl and she bought loads of clothes before she was born. No questions asked. She came to the hospital when my wife went into labour and supervised both Sue and the nurses. I felt very left out as I’d hoped it would be an intimate occasion between Sue and me.

She then moved in with us to do the night feeds and cook us dinner. We were both nervous new parents and appreciated her being helpful but she stayed for a month instead of a few days and I was barely involved. I was so relieved when she left. I do like her and it’s not that she hasn’t anything else to do. She’s also a successful business woman and has plenty of friends. Four months ago we employed a day nanny as my wife went back to work. Her job involves going abroad fairly regularly for about a week at a time. The first time Sue travelled since our daughter was born, she told me she wanted her mother to bath our daughter, put her to bed and then stay the night in case she woke up. She added that I was such a heavy sleeper I wouldn’t not hear her if she cried. I felt put down and had five awkward evenings making small talk with my mother-in-law when I would have preferred to have been with my daughter on my own. The second time Sue went away she made the same arrangement but I suggested to my mother-in-law that I could manage the bedtime routine. She flew into a rage and was very rude to me. Sue and I discussed the matter and finally agreed her mother would bath the baby and put her to bed in case I was late from work, but not stay the night.

I am sort of okay with that but my mother-in-law is now very uncommunicative and obviously still angry. I’ve asked Sue to speak to her again but I don’t think anything has come of it.

OUR COMMENTS:

Communicating well with you mother-in-law and your wife is going to be very important in this situation. You now have the measure of your mother-in-law and need to establish some very clear boundaries. Before either of you speak to her again you need to think carefully about the role you want as a father and discuss this with your wife so you can talk through any concerns and be on the same page. Working out a clear negotiated plan is key for any new family. Perhaps Sue thinks her mother is more reliable than you, so you need to make sure you show you are responsible and dependable.

As your mother-in-law seems ready to step in to cover any gaps regardless of what you think or feel you need to be on your guard and several steps ahead. This way you can anticipate when she might be needed and think them through in advance. If you and Sue agree a plan it’s much easier to be firm and clear with her mother. You should also show your appreciation when she offers help. Your new daughter is also her grandchild and being clear about her role and visits should be reassuring to her as well as helpful to you and your wife.

Tactless and Rude

Tactless and Rude

My mother is acutely embarrassing and the least subtle person I know. It’s bad enough when she complains about my cooking in front of my husband and children ‘Is it something the dog turned down?’ Or that my new hairstyle ‘just doesn’t suit you.’

She has no qualms about criticizing someone out loud when we are on a bus together or in a restaurant. ‘That woman shouldn’t order a dessert,’ she’s said more than once about a woman sitting at a nearby table. ‘She’s far too fat as it is.’

Once when she was staying overnight she walked straight into our bedroom without even knocking. When I told her off she said she wanted to speak to me and didn’t do anything wrong.

Sometimes she’s so tactless I worry that someone will come up to her and punch her in the face. I’ve tried to speak to her about this by asking her to lower her voice when she wants to be rude about a stranger and have even persuaded her to have a hearing test. But she thinks her opinion counts. She also nearly ruined my relationship with my husband. We hadn’t been going out together for long when I took him to a family wedding. My mother told me loudly at the ceremony that his tie didn’t match his shirt. I wanted to disappear. He was very generous about it all and now fifteen years later he even laughs about it now and then, but it still makes me cringe.

What on earth can I do about her?

Our comments:

A tactlessly outspoken parent is a very common issue but there are no easy answers. Something you’ve found out for yourself as whatever you have tried doesn’t make any difference.

We can suggest two ways of handling your mother’s criticism of you. One is for you and your family to distance yourselves from her. The other is to try to develop a thick impenetrable skin. It would also help if you accepted that this is what she is like, which doesn’t reflect on you in any way.

It’s harder to deal with your mother’s rude comments to others because you have no control of your mother or the person she is insulting. She is lucky that so far no one has responded aggressively to her. Your attempts to moderate her comments will only result in her trying to justify herself and/or become angry with you. We suggest you assess each situation as it arises by asking yourself whether it’s worth getting involved and if so what you should say. For example if she is rude to a waitress you could set an example by being kind or even apologise to her. If, as a result, you find yourself in the firing line you should let it go, tell yourself you are never going to change her and avoid being out with your mother as much as possible.

Hate

I used to hate my mother so much I wanted to scream.  I couldn’t  find anything positive to say about her.  I felt she had rubbished me for so long that she had blighted my life and made everything difficult.  We had no emotional connection and very different values. Even if I didn’t see her for a few weeks I felt chewed up with resentment and hatred.  

Things began to change after my 45th birthday earlier this year.  It marked the end of my chance to have children and I asked myself what had I done with my life.  I answered ‘not much’ and blamed the negative relationship I have always had with my mother.  Then almost out of the blue I decided it was up to me as well to move forward and realised that my only chance of being happy and making something of my life even at this late stage was to break off any connection with her.  For the first few months I felt a mixture of grief and relief.   At times I was also full of anger. I had worked in sales for a long time but since my decision to leave her behind I have been more positive and last month was made a manager which makes me feel much better about myself.  

I had hoped to keep a relationship going with my gentle father but unfortunately he has been so brow beaten by my mother he is not willing to meet me unless my mother comes too.   

Please explain my feelings.

 OUR COMMENTS: 

Hate is such a powerful emotion it can overwhelm us and, if we let it, dominate our lives.  It can also keep us stuck in the past and full of resentment.  

You’ve done well to realise this and that it is up to you to manage your life after the damage your mother has caused. Taking control has enabled you to move away from hate and begin to understand the feelings behind it. You have grieved the fact that your mother hasn’t loved you.  Felt relief that she doesn’t dominate you any more and been angry with her about the way she has treated you and that your child-bearing days are past.

Your growing confidence is a result of you dealing with what happened in your childhood. This has been reflected in your promotion at work.  Relish this positive change in yourself and think about how you can build some leisure activities that you will enjoy. Try to make some new friends as well as keep up with ones of long-standing. Surround yourself with people who show they care about you.

 It is sad that your father feels unable to see you on his own but you could think about other ways of staying in contact with him, like a regular phone call, that would suit you both.

Criticised in Advance

I waited  until I was four months pregnant before telling my mother I was going to have a baby.  I am a late mother as I didn’t find the right man until my late thirties and then I had various fertility issues.  My husband and I are thrilled and you  might think my mother would be too as, if all goes well, the baby will be her first grandchild.

But no.  She has behaved as she has always done by immediately finding a way of criticising me about something that hasn’t yet happened.  She said she pitied the baby having me for a mother as he/she would have a problem getting fed because I didn’t like getting out of bed in the morning. She added for good measure that she never saw me as a mother as I was part of the ‘me’ generation who only thought about myself.

I was so shocked and couldn’t stand up for myself.  I am very emotional about the whole experience and I spent the rest of the day in tears.

My husband did what he could to reassure me and suggested I stay away from her for the rest of the pregnancy and not risk her being nasty again.

Frankly I don’t know what to think. 

Our comments:

It’s a shame your hopes that being  pregnant would help your relationship with your mother  have been dashed. And the way she has responded shows she is unlikely to change her behaviour. So you need to think about how you are going to manage this and protect yourself and your family.

Your husband suggests you stay away until after the baby is born.  Or you could try reducing the number of your visits and calls. 

 

 

 

It’s an awful experience to be criticised for something you haven’t done and have no intention of doing.  But a horrid parent often anticipates behaviour they think their child might do, even when they are adult, without the slightest indication they will.  Instead they see it as an opportunity to undermine their child with a list of what they must not do.  

Pregnancy is a particularly emotional time so be kind to yourself and try to build up your self-confidence.  Keep telling yourself that her criticism is totally different from a parent who would offer helpful advice and guidance. And try to stay wary.  Don't expect her nastiness to stop and remember it is not your fault that your mother is so critical.

 

An Unexpected Fuss

Saying my father wasn’t a sympathetic type is an understatement.  He even told me to ‘man up’ and ‘get over it’ before I went to primary school. 

He even said 'don't make a fuss' when I fell and broke my arm.  He behaved in the same way each time I had flu and a high temperature. As a result I learnt to keep physical pain to myself and emotional aspects of my life too.  But I eventually managed to distance myself from my father who has become worse as he’s got older.   

Surprisingly enough all this changed a few months ago when some builders made a mess of some new tiling in my flat. I went ballistic and shouted and swore at them.  They apologised, redid the work and cut the charges.  I didn’t feel triumphant.  Instead I kept asking myself why I over- reacted and made such a fuss.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the pent up feelings I’d kept inside me for so long had suddenly spilled over. 

I haven’t had another episode of anger like that, thank goodness.  Instead a feeling of calm rather than stress descends when I am about to see my father, which has never happened before.  I have also been able to take a step back, see him for what he is  - an unpleasant, unfeeling individual - and he no longer makes me feel angry or down.   

Can you make any sense of this for me?

OUR COMMENTS:

Bad workmanship in your home prompted you to make a huge fuss which was out of character.  A similar outburst could equally have been triggered by an illness or accident.  It is understandable that the experience was unnerving and you want to know why it happened when it did. 

Perhaps you felt your personal space had not been treated with sufficient respect by the builders and this reminded you of the way your father has treated you.  Although your reaction may have been excessive it has certainly shifted something in you. Possibly for the first time in your life you recognised your feelings, stood your ground and refused to be treated badly. Being effective with builders has also helped you change your attitude to your father and keep a healthy distance from him. 

When we feel safe, which you obviously did in your own home, we can allow ourselves to be more assertive.  Parts of your outburst may have stayed in your mind to use when you felt badly treated by your father.  Some people even rehearse such comments in their head to use when appropriate with a horrid parent.  You have done well and there’s no need to worry that your behaviour will regularly repeat itself. 

When Your Horrid Parent Needs You

My father has been a spendthrift all his life, but when it comes to me he behaves like a miser.  

He left my mother when I was two and my brother four and rarely paid maintenance.  He saw us occasionally when he didn’t have anything else to do but never managed more than a card for our birthdays.  Nor did he give either of us a present when we got married, saying that he was ‘absolutely broke.’  Instead he relies on a practiced wink and a certain charm to win everyone round. 

For the last thirty years he’s lived abroad and been looked after by one young woman after another, but he’s getting on, has various health issues and none of them are now prepared to look after him for nothing. 

As a result he’s decided to return to the UK and has asked my brother and I to pay his fare, find him accommodation, fill it with furniture, get him a TV, computer and car and provide a weekly sum for ‘extras.’  I mentioned his pension but he dismissed that as being pennies. 

He, just like I’ve read about Meghan Markle’s father Thomas, believes we should keep him in the luxury he’d like to get used to.  What’s more he wants to live very close to me so he can come over most days explaining it would also be ‘easier’ for me to get his shopping and cook his meals. 

My brother and I are both work for charities so neither of us are rich.  I’ve told him I am prepared to help him a little.   I have also insisted on various boundaries including that he can only come over once a week.  He was shocked.  I know I am right but I feel both guilty and resentful. 

Please help. 

OUR COMMENTS:

Your father seems to wants to put himself at the centre of your life when he has never made you the centre of his.  This is a difficult situation to manage.  Adults choose whether or not to have children and children are not obliged to have any financial responsibility for them in return.  The more so when the parent has not provided for their child or managed their  own money sensibly.

 

 

In other words the relationship between parent and child is not a reciprocal one.  Parents should do their best for their children without expecting anything more than gratitude in return. In fact most reasonable parents prefer their children to focus on providing for their own offspring rather than them. 

You are obviously aware that your father is trying to take advantage of you and the boundaries you have set up make sense.  Managing your feelings of both guilt and resentment may seem hard at the moment, but if you give in to his demands your guilt will vanish as your resentment increases.

Try to make notes of why you have made your decisions about him and what you are prepared to do, for example phone or visit him on a regular if infrequent basis.  You could also share ideas on how to manage him with your brother.