Trying Too Hard to be Perfect

I have two daughters aged nine and eleven.  From the moment they were born I felt desperate for them to love me and I’ve bent over backwards to be the perfect father.  I’m very protective; if they fall over I sympathise and hug them until they feel better.  I also try to sort out any problems they have big or very small.  For example my daughters often fall out with other girls in their class.  My wife tells me this happens with girls quite a lot and I should let them sort it out themselves, but sometimes I can’t and I speak to their teacher on their behalf.  They are also both competitive and can get quite jealous if, for example, their sibling wins a game.  The one who has lost sulks and claims: ‘it’s not fair’.   

The result of my dedication has not at all been what I expected.  They show me little respect.  Instead both of them order me about as if I am some low grade employee.  They demand I find their shoes, homework or anything else they have misplaced.  They tell me off.  ‘I’ve told you again and again that I don’t like scrambled egg.  How many more times?’  They do still, I’m pleased to say climb on my lap and as for a cuddle. 

My wife is sympathetic but tells me I shouldn’t put up with their bad behaviour that they need boundaries.  But it’s easier said than done.  My father undermined me throughout my childhood, so it’s been a struggle to build my confidence.   I just don’t want them to feel about me what I felt about him.  I know I must do something before they become teenagers, but I don’t now quite what.  Can you help me please? 

OUR COMMENTS 

It is understandable that, after your own experience with your father, you have tried to be the best dad you can be.  That’s marvellous but please remember you don’t have to be perfect. Being a loving father also means guiding your daughters when necessary and, as your wife suggests, setting boundaries.  We are not talking about controlling them, but but ensuring they are not over- indulged and spoilt.

At the moment it sounds as if your girls also need to show you more respect.  If they are demanding or rude you can gently say that you will respond when they ask politely.  If they can’t find something try suggesting you both look together rather than break off from whatever you are doing to do it yourself.  It will also give you the opportunity to praise them for finding whatever it is they’ve lost.  

It’s also a good idea as they grow older to give them general advice particularly about how to get on with others and negotiate tricky situations.  It is equally important that they begin to do more of this for themselves.  It will help them build up their confidence - something that you have found difficult to do with your father. 

Your understanding wife seems to have ideas about how to gently but firmly set boundaries.  Can you discuss this together and learn from her example? You will find that it is ok to say ‘no’ yet still be loved.