Flying Monkeys

My older brother has been criticizing me for everything and anything.  He is 12 years older than me and recently returned to the UK after living abroad for the last twenty years.  He should be pleased for us to meet up again and get to know me.  Instead he has been both nasty and threatening as if I have somehow wronged him.  In some ways he even reminds me of our father who was self important and unsympathetic.  Luckily for me I have a happy and peaceful life working for a charity I care about.

I talked about my brother’s behaviour to a close friend who told me he sounds like a ‘flying monkey’.   I had no idea what he was talking about but he explained my father was probably using him to make my life hell while not taking any responsibility for the insults.   It made sense as how else would he have such a long list of wrongdoing and failure on my part.  He doesn’t scare me so I asked him point blank if he was put up to being nasty by our father who I have very little to do with as he has got worse as he’s aged. His response was that I was talking utter rubbish.

My friend advised me not to challenge my brother but to remain calm and neutral in everything I said.  That way he hoped my brother would come to his senses and realise that I was okay and he was the one being used by my father.

Do you think I am doing the right thing?

The term ‘flying monkey’ is from the film Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch sent flying monkeys to capture Dorothy.  It has come to mean someone who carries out the work on behalf of a manipulative person.  Your brother’s denial that his behaviour had anything to do with your father is typical as is his assertion that you’re the one with a problem.

Your friend’s advice to stay calm, objective and neutral is good. However it is unlikely likely that your brother will realise that he is being used and ‘come to his senses’. He is an adult and has probably chosen to ally himself with your father, perhaps to protect himself. His disinclination to have a frank discussion with you about your father’s behaviour also suggests that he prefers the status quo. If you keep trying to persuade him that you are right it might make him dig his heels in even more  and possibly bring your father into the discussion. 

You have created both a satisfying peaceful life and managed to keep your father at a distance. You might need to do the same with your brother.

 

 

 

 

Caroline Quentin and Me.

I have read in the paper that the brilliant actor Caroline Quentin feels a fraud, doesn’t understand her success and said that when she was 16 she thought ‘it would be a miracle’ that she had earned her living acting.  I could hardly believe it because I feel the same about my career.

I have recently been made a QC and have been trembling with fear ever since that I may be found out.

My friends, colleagues and sibling are all delighted for me but my mother can’t believe it.  She’s even suggested that I double check there hasn’t been an error, adding that she knows the real me and frankly I am just not up to it. 

The trouble is I keep thinking that the powers that be may find out that she’s right and that I’m a fraud.  

Quentin had loving parents and said her mother taught her that “having a laugh with people is a lovely way to go through life”, but I know my issues goes back to my parents divorcing when I was ten and my mother resented having to look after me, the younger sibling, because it stopped her leading the life she wanted. As a result she  tried to undermine me.

Nonetheless I was always dutiful at school and did well in my exams.  I chose to do law at university because I believed in justice, which I felt I didn’t have at home, and wanted to speak out on behalf of others who had been wronged.

When I was called to the Bar I felt I had chosen the right career,  but that  I was stretching my very small amount of talent very thinly.  I worried about letting my defendants down and every time I won a case I believed I had somehow got away with it and pulled the wool over yet another person’s eyes.

In theory it’s about time I believed in myself but in practice a voice in my head tells me I will be found out.

Do you have any hints that would help?

 

Your description of yourself is known as ‘imposter phenomenon.’ It can come about when a parent criticises, shames or ignores their child which makes them instinctively try to find ways to seek approval and affection. For example by doing well at school.  Often there is a gap between what the child thinks about themselves and how their parent sees them, which makes them anxious. 

 

We suggest you try to ignore any inner voice that sounds like your mother and look more objectively at what you have achieved and how that fits in with the young girl learning in school. Did your reports refer to your hard work and intelligence?  Then think about whether your mother the only person who won’t see this?  If that is the case you should reject them straight away.   Perhaps she is so unfulfilled she is jealous of your success. 

It could also help to think about why you like doing being a barrister.   What gives you satisfaction and what are your motivations for taking on a case?  As regards the future you will inevitably lose some cases so prepare yourself to be objective and when it happens don’t let it reinforce your mother’s view. 

In Need of Care?

My very difficult mother is going to be 80 in a couple of months.  Overall she’s in reasonably good health but I’ve noticed she is getting rather forgetful.  Her fridge invariably contains out-of-date foods and recently she’s fallen over a few times.  

Luckily she hasn’t hurt herself badly but I feel it’s time to plan for her future care.  My two siblings live abroad and want very little contact with her.    She’s never cared for us as I believe a mother should but now she needs more help she is trying to be nice to me.  I know it’s an act not least because she can’t keep the façade up throughout a single visit.  She believes I should  make her my number one priority and become her carer which I am determined not to do.  I dislike her as much as my siblings do but I have more of a guilty conscience.  I live more than two hours drive away and have my own life.   Nor do I think it’s right for a woman who was horrid to all her children then expect them to come running when she’s needy. 

I’ve tried to discuss her future care several times, but she brushes it aside saying she is fine.  I’ve also spoken to her GP who said we both know what she is like, in other words she’s very determined and unlikely to change, which wasn’t very helpful.   Sheltered accommodation would be enough for now and I’ve offered to drive her round a few places but she won’t consider it.   Her behaviour is so unreasonable that I too am tempted to walk away. 

This is a very difficult situation for you to navigate.  Dealing with an ageing parent is hard enough even when they are much loved and much trickier if they are horrid.

Ultimately unless a person lacks capacity only they can make final decisions about their care, but can take advice from whoever they choose.  You are aware of her needs and have been looking at options.  She is aware she should get help but thinks that you should be he one providing it.  Until she understands that you won’t take on a caring role, she is unlikely to agree to any other options.  So this is your place to start.

We suggest that you first think through your own motivations so you can offer her options that are in her best interests and not influenced by any residue feelings you may have to get your own back for her general unkindness in the past.  It sounds as if so far you have managed, despite her behaviour, to be a dutiful enough daughter.  Do try to continue to be so. 

Then tell her as clearly as possible what you can and cannot do. If she doesn’t listen, you could get some brochures or visit some places and  put the options put in a letter adding that you are willing to action any of them when she is ready. Sometimes it takes an accident like a fall or illness for an older person to face their reality and start to accept professional help.

Most older people have a wide range of concerns about their diminishing faculties and may feel anxious, confused, angry and resentful about their future. You mother’s behaviour may well get worse but try not to take this personally.   Try instead to imagine her as a frail neighbour who needs some support.  This might help you distance yourself from her general unkindness.  Do think about offloading some of your frustrations to a friend and even your siblings and don’t feel guilty. You have shown your mother compassion and that you are also trying to help her as much as she will let you.

 

Empty Nest Syndrome

My father wanted a son and was very disappointed I was female. Unfortunately my mother couldn’t have any more children after me so his chance of having a boy in the family was lost.  It wasn’t my fault of course but he really rubbed it in from the start that I had let him down.  

As a result I was a very insecure child who felt inadequate and unlovable.

Moving on a couple of decades I have gradually built myself up,  found someone I trusted who cared about me and had two perfect children.  I adored them when they were tiny but as the years have gone by I have developed a latent fear that my children will find that out that I am not a good enough mother and want little or nothing to do with me.   I stopped speaking to my father shortly after my marriage so he has not had any input in their lives, which has baffled them.  

I managed to put a lid on my fears while they have been at home but my elder child will be going to university this autumn and while I am delighted for her I fear that once she leaves home and develops her own ways of doing things, she will discover all my failings.  Part of me sees this as the empty nest syndrome writ very large, but I don’t now how to handle it.  Should I try to fix dates for her to come home?  Leave her alone to make her own decisions?  Or assume the worst so that any small connection is a real treat? 

OUR SUGGESTIONS:

It’s not surprising that you fear what might happen when your daughter leaves home.  However the relationship you have with your daughter is very different to the one you had with your father.  He made you feel unloved and unloveable but you have done the opposite for your children.  As a result their perspective won’t be the same as yours. We all fail as parents but if we have done our best and shown our children love they will accept us and our imperfections.  

If you haven’t discussed your father with your children your older child leaving home might be a good time to do so.  It will also help them understand what you are worried about.

Depending on your daughter’s reaction you might feel able to talk through your anxieties with her.

It’s certainly a good idea to discuss what her views are on keeping in touch.  She doesn’t need to decide before she leaves, but it will be very helpful for her to know that she is always welcome to visit you and you’d equally enjoy going to see her.  Plus that she can text or phone at any time.  She may feel homesick and need some time to adjust, so knowing that you are there for her will be reassuring just when she needs it. 

 

Estrangement

Meghan Markle’s father Thomas, 73, is begging for his daughter to get in touch saying that he could die soon.

He claims that he has been shunned by the Palace since he sold staged pictures of himself to the paparazzi in the run up to the royal wedding.  He told a newspaper that he wants to put their differences behind them and is worried about her.  ‘I think she is terrified,’ he said.  ‘I see it in her eyes, I see it in her face and I see it in her smile….I know her smile..this is a pained smile…I think she’s under too much pressure.’  He has also publicly revealed what Prince Harry said to him in a private conversation.  

Meghan has been very close to her father and very much wanted him to walk her down the aisle.  Now he claims he has only heard from her just after the wedding and says significantly:  ‘I am her father and deserve some respect.’

Estrangement is a controversial issue and there were over 8,000 comments on line during just one day.  Here is a small selection.   

 ‘I don’t know why he keeps blabbing to the media if he wants to rebuild his connection with Meghan, but I feel sorry for him. Meghan should do the right thing and contact her father.  She is behaving appallingly to her dad who gave her everything and helped get her where she is today.’

‘This is the man who sacrificed to pay for his daughter's private education.  He played a huge role in making her what she is today, a refined, well educated woman. He may be a socially awkward hermit but he still deserves some respect from his daughter and son-in-law.’ 

‘He needs to shut up.  He is nothing but an embarrassment to himself, his daughter and the Royal Family and he just doesn't "get it" the more he blabs to the press the less likely she will contact him.’

‘There is a strong stigma around parental estrangement but if a child has made that decision they have already been pushed to their limit. They have been forced to draw boundaries with a toxic parent who has failed to provide emotional, psychological and/or physical care. A child should not have to get anyone else's approval to set the boundaries they need to thrive, be emotionally healthy and live their life.’

Please let us know your views on Facebook or on our Forum reached via www.myhorridparent.com

Forgiveness

When I was in my thirties I decided to cut off all ties with my mother.  She was so determined to undermine me that she regularly criticised me in front of my children.  It was her way to set them against me and sabotage my happy family.  Fortunately  we are very close and they became so upset by her behaviour that I felt I  had to break away.

Our lives were much more peaceful without her and through the positive and supportive love of my husband and children I managed to regain much of the confidence I lost when I was young.  Twelve years on and I have heard from an aunt that my mother has had a stroke and is at the moment paralysed down one side of her body.  My aunt wants me to forgive my mother, as does my husband and think I should visit her.  I am completely torn.   I am sorry she is suffering.  Unlike her I don’t wish anyone to be ill, but I feel sure that if I get back in touch she will find a way to blame me for her stroke and that her nastiness and outrageous demands will start all over again.   It will also bring back so many painful memories of my childhood.   Yet it is difficult for me to do nothing. I am also concerned that if I don’t do something I may regret it once she’s gone and I don’t want to live with a guilty conscience.

We understand you don’t want to get back in touch with your mother because she will probably start being unkind to you again but before you make a final decision we believe you should ask yourself whether her stroke is a good time to forgive her even if she doesn’t change the way she behaves.

Forgiveness is a complex issue. Most people are prepared to forgive if the other person admits they were wrong and have tried to make amends.  Others feel the whole concept of forgiveness means condoning the other person’s bad behaviour and don’t want to offer an olive branch.

It might help you come to a decision if you could see forgiveness as a way of accepting your mother’s bad behaviour but also offers chance to move on regardless of how she behaves.   It could help stop you hoping that your mother will admit her failings, something she is very unlikely to do.  We are not, however, suggesting you should forget what has happened.  

Be the good daughter and visit her.  If you do, one way of keeping an emotional distance is to think of her as a frail elderly neighbour.  You should also prepare yourself in advance for her inevitable horrid comments.

A people pleaser

On the whole I think I have done rather well getting over my manipulative and permanently critical mother.

I have a good marriage, two special teenagers and friends who care about me.  I’ve made a career in marketing and am currently working for a small company where I enjoy being one of the team. 

But, and it’s quite a big but there are still things left over from my childhood that I can’t quite master.   For example I sometimes wake up at night really anxious that  problems my close friends have might somehow be my fault and feel guilty that I can’t make whatever it is better for them.  It’s even worse if my husband has a bad day or week at work.  He’s quite a high powered lawyer and of course some cases are particularly difficult.  Nor can he win them all.  When he’s down I actually feel a pain in my chest that this too might be my fault.   

Overall I try my best to please everyone, which at times is exhausting.  For example one of my teenagers is vegan, the other loves fish, while my husband is a solid meat and two veg man.  Sometimes I make three different dinners to keep them all happy.  My husband often tells me I am too easy on  our son and daughter,  but I am just the same with him because I go along with plans I am not very keen on.  

One reason is because I hate arguments.  There were so many when I lived with my parents.  I remember trembling with both fear and anger not least because I wasn’t allowed to express myself. 

I am able to say what I think at work, because I am confident in my skills and also keep part of me back.  It’s different with my family.  They mean so much to me that I try never to reveal that I have been hurt or annoyed them.  I  dare not risk rejection.   

I’d be grateful for any tips. 

Our view:

You have coped very well to have both a career and a family and  interesting that you have freed yourself to speak out at work. Perhaps you can think about how and why you have been able to do this. If you fear rejection at home that’s where you should start.

 

  You have created a close and loving family so it is unlikely that they will turn on you just because you stand up for yourself.  It is important to be genuine in a family and this means revealing your thoughts and feelings. Unlike your past experiences at home with your parents you may well find that your own family will not be angry or feel threatened if you stand your ground. Your anxiety about doing so stems from your parents,  It is understandable but also irrational.  It may be a good time to challenge some of  your fears and feelings of responsibility.  Take it slowly and try to tackle one thing at a time.

To Trust or Not to Trust

My wife has just had our first baby and I am not sure what to do.  Part of me is overwhelmed with love for our tiny boy but another part is tremendously anxious.  It might sound crazy but I worry about opening up to my emotions and loving him too much. 

How will I cope if, when he’s older, he lets me down?

As far back as I can remember I have never totally trusted anyone.  I am almost always on a low level alert, which shoots up to red alert at the least provocation.   I realise it is a form of self protection, which was how I  coped with my late father.  He was always letting me down and going against his word across many different areas. From offering to take me to a football match but then being too busy or helping me buy my first car,  when he claimed he was short of money.

For years the only person I relied on was myself.  I was very cautious with friends and even more so when dating girls.  I never thought I would get married because I never wanted to reveal my true feelings and needs in case I got hurt.  But then I met my current wife at work.  We slowly became friends and over time I felt increasingly comfortable with her. 

We may not be an outwardly passionate pair but we are the best of friends which is more than I ever imagined.  But having our baby is a totally different experience and I  am slightly panicking about how I feel and what I should do.   Can I get over my past and or will it haunt me for ever?

OUR COMMENT

It is natural to feel anxious about being a new dad, but your role now is to protect and cherish your baby.  The more you make him feel loved and accepted the less likely he is to let you down in the future.  We suggest you follow your behaviour when you met your wife. Give yourself time to slowly and gently get used to each other.  Trust your instincts and  enjoy learning about him.  You can also let your wife guide you.

Don’t forget that no one is perfect and that it is normal to feel a degree of disappointment especially when your child becomes a teenager.  But that is not the same as lacking trust.   

Your own father has died and can no longer hurt you.  Becoming a father yourself is your chance to accept what happened to you in the past, move on and build a fulfilling life.    

 

An Arrogant Mother

My mother is an incredible snob and the most arrogant person I know.  Despite not being  particularly well off  she thinks of herself as the ‘lady of the manor,’  and better than anyone we  know.  She has also been hugely critical of every friend of mine she’s met.

I remember a boyfriend I had when I was nineteen who was clever and funny but not particularly good looking.   My mother totally rubbished him telling me he had horrible thin lips which meant he was both ugly and nasty.   She falls out with her friends too for the most superficial reasons: like shopping at the ‘wrong’ supermarket, buying the occasional outfit from a charity shop and liking baked beans on toast.  

As for me, I am constantly bombarded with nonsense about what the right way to behave and that the reason I am still single in my thirties is because I don’t wear nail varnish on my fingernails.  ‘Men don’t like women who are unkempt’ she told me. 

I have no idea what makes her like this. Sometimes when I see her strut about like a male peacock, I have to stop myself from laughing.  It’s all so terribly phony.  Do you think it’s a front because she is so insecure inside?

 

Our comment

It sounds like you understand your mother and recognise that her pretentiousness conceals deep feelings of insecurity. It is possible that she is so ashamed of who she really is that she goes to great lengths to hide it.  Considering herself to be above others may be one way she gains some confidence. Finding her behaviour amusing is one way to help yourself cope with her as there is nothing you can do to change her.  Nonetheless be aware of her attempts to belittle and criticise you and stay true to your own desire to be authentic. 

 

Fathers' Day June 17

My father never accepted that any of his three children were ever in pain or that they’d been genuinely hurt. If any of us fell over he’d  ignore any bleeding and call us names like ‘silly softy’.  I remember once occasion when he told me my grazed, bleeding knee didn’t hurt and that I needed to grow up.  I was seven at the time.    

Once my ten-year old brother Tom fell off a climbing frame in the local park and landed awkwardly on his arm.   Dad shouted at him for always spoiling our outings.  When we got home Dad refused to let our mother ‘fuss’ over him and she didn’t dare disobey.  But once he  had left to work, Mum took Tom  to hospital and an x-ray showed he’d broken his arm.

Now we are all grown up we keep our distance .  He however tells us firmly we have to spoil him on Father’s Day. What should we do? 

We suggest that as you are already keeping your distance you can do the same for Father’s Day. You are adults now and are entitled to decide how each of you wants to mark this day. If you feel that he does not deserve to be spoiled then don’t spoil him. You can acknowledge the day with a card that has a simple message of Happy Father’s Day. If you choose to send a gift again it can be a small token that he would like. You do not have to visit unless you choose to. If you visit and he is rude or unpleasant then you could make an excuse and leave sooner.

Survival and a favour

We would like to know what has most helped you to survive and thrive  following a childhood with a horrid parent? 

Has it been connecting with people who have shown you warmth and respect; falling in love and  having a family of your own.  

Perhaps you are also very proud that you have a stimulating and successful career and this has significantly contributed to you feeling better about yourself.   Do write to us via Facebook on our website www.myhorridparent.com,  on our forum reached through the website or by email     

We’d also like to know your top three tips that has helped you survive that you would like to pass on to others. And finally was there an activity like reading, walking, listening to music that comforted you when things were bad?  

Thank you so much.

Can You Help Us?

OUR POST this week is to ask you to help us help you better.   We would like to know when you realised that your mother or father was ‘horrid.’  Was it, for  example,  a light bulb moment and if so how old were you at the time?   Or did it dawn on you slowly?   Was it seeing a warm, loving relationship between a friend and their parent that made you realise yours was very different?   Or was it through therapy?

We would also like to know what was the unkindest thing your horrid parent said or did.  Might it have been, for example, their endless criticism, that gradually wore you down and left a painful legacy.  Did they put their own needs before yours which  left you feeling unwanted and unloved?

Our website www.myhorridparent.com makes it clear that we do not include in our Horrid Parent list, parents who are strict as this type of parent can be well meaning and want their child to grow up with strong values.  We also don’t include parents who physically or sexually abuse their child.  This is a situation for the police. 

Children understandably accept their mother and father because that is all they know.  They also need to rely on them for the necessities of life.    Teenagers and adults, however,  see their parents for who they are, even if they feel unable to share their thoughts with friends because if you don’t have a horrid parent yourself it’s not easy to understand what your friend is going through. 

Please use the website on our forum, email us directly al@myhorridparent.com or use Facebook for your comments.   Feel free to be anonymous but we would like an idea of your age.  We are focusing on the wide-range of  behaviour and actions of a  horrid  mother or father.  Thank you. 

My Horrid Mother’s Voice Stays in the Back of my Mind

My late mother’s cruel words are hard to forget, even though she spoke them long ago and logically I know they are not true.  They also still make me feel guilty.

For example, if I’m in a rush to get the children to school and myself to work and we are running late because, for example, one child can’t find any clean socks and the other just remembered he had to finish some homework,  I leave the breakfast mess on the table until I get back home mid afternoon.  I can hear my mother’s disapproving voice that then echoes in my mind for some hours.  

She also insisted on clearing up as you cooked, while I have preferred to clear up in one go once I’ve finished preparing my dish.  Even now I sometimes find myself thinking about my mother’s disapproval and that she’d take advantage of the opportunity to criticise me.   I even tell myself I’d better clear up a bit half way through.

When I was in my twenties most of my friends had a live-in relationship with their partner at some point and their mother would welcome them both to the family home.    My mother would deliberately make  me feel cheap with comments like ‘you’re spoilt goods now’ or ‘when is he going to make an honest woman of you?’  When I look back I see it was one reason while that particularly relationship failed. 

I decided not to tell her about my next serious relationship until we were engaged.  Luckily I was working in France for a while so it was easy to do. 

Because I still hear her voice at the back of my brain, could you please help me get rid of these thoughts. 

Our comments:

We all absorb the words our parents use to describe us as we grow up.  For most  of us these words are largely favourable. But for those who have a horrid parent they are often critical, mean and hard to shake off.  Not surprisingly they can linger in your mind for years.  .

There are a few things that you can try that may help.  Make a note of some of the thoughts that come to you most frequently and challenge them by saying:  ‘my mother may think this of me but is there any truth to her comments?’  If, for example, you’ve left your kitchen untidy but plan to clear it up later you could say: ‘I’m doing it my way and in my time mum’ and feel proud that you have stood up to her.   Practice various responses and even shout: ‘shut up mum’ or ‘leave me alone’.

Another idea is to  use visual imagery as well as answering her back.  Try to imagine that your mother is a doll so when you hear her critical voice in your head, pick her up and put her firmly in an imaginary toy box.   Surprising as it may seem, it can really help.  

Calling You Names

For the first three decade of my life it really bothered me that my mother obviously enjoyed calling me spiteful names.  It used to get me down and make me feel really bad about myself.  I still hate it but the pain no longer lasts so long.

I was quite a bright kid and loved reading.  You’d think she’d be pleased but instead she called me ‘a geek’ and ‘weirdo’ and ‘swot.’  It took away all the pride of being top of the class.

It didn’t stop there.  If my room was untidy she’d call me ‘a pig.’  Often in front of visitors and my friends.  When I told her it was a horrible thing to do and really upset me, she’d give a phony laugh and accuse me of not having a sense of humour.   Telling her I didn’t laugh because it wasn’t funny had no effect.

By the time I left home to go to university I had a really low opinion of myself and the things that I was good at counted for nothing. 

Over the years I’ve come to realise that the name calling had very little to do with me and lots to do with her.  She is a bully and it has been her way of feeling good about herself.  It is shocking that she uses me like a punch bag to make herself feel better rather than try to deal with it herself.   

Eight years ago I told her that the name calling had to stop or I wouldn’t come and see her.  They haven’t so I just pop by around Christmas for a very short while. 

I feel guilty but it’s worked for me because I am happier, much more confident and won’t take any rudeness from anyone. 

Our comments:

Using derogatory words to put your child down is cruel and demeaning.  The person doing the name calling often pretends if is a joke or teasing, but you are right to describe is as bullying.   It is also very difficult to dismiss them and they can define us.

Well done for learning how to feel happy, take pride in yourself and refuse to tolerate her rudeness and name-calling.    We would, however recommend that you try not to feel guilty as it is certainly not your fault. 

When Your Kind Parent Dies First

I am devastated.  My kind sweet mother died two months ago and I miss her hugely.  Although she could't stand up to my father or even protect me properly from his tempestuous tempers and manipulative behaviour, she did her best.  She also made being at home bearable. 

In a way her passing was a relief.  She had been ill for some time and eventually gave up on life.  I visited her as much as I could despite living some 30 miles away and having three children and a busy job to manage.  The problem is, since her passing, my father has become even more of a nightmare.  I understand that he cared about her in his rather strange way, and that he doesn’t want to appear vulnerable.  But I can’t cope with his domineering behaviour.   He tells me I have to do his shopping and cooking now my mother has gone and will not accept any excuses. When I explain about my own demands he criticises me for being ungrateful for all he’s done for me, like sending me to a decent school.

A small part of me feels sorry for him because I know he hates being alone, but I feel I am crumbling under the pressure he is putting on me and my own grief.  My husband has suggested that I cut contact with him because we have never got on and it was only my mother that held things together, but my conscience won’t let me.  Please help.  

How sad that you have lost the mother you loved and however much a parent’s passing has been anticipated their death still comes as a shock.  Do allow yourself time to grieve and begin to come to terms with her no longer being in your life.   

Your sympathy for your father shows you have a good heart.  As your loss is so recent, it might be too early to decide to cut him out of your life.  It is a decision for the future. Meanwhile we recommend that you   put your family at the top of your priority list.  Discuss with your husband how much time and support t's reasonable for you to give your father now, and try to explain this to your father.   If he responds badly you could write to him instead. He needs to start to think about how he will manage his own life without your mother, but it is his responsibility not yours. If he makes you feels guilty this is even more reason for you to establish boundaries from the beginning.

Keeping Secrets

I decided I had a horrid mother when I was 11.  I wanted to ask a new friend round from my secondary school and didn’t know how to do so.  She came from a large family who were quite poor while I was an only child living with my parents in a three-bedroom house and didn’t want to look like a show off.  Mum noticed I was sad and went on and on and on until I told her what was worrying me.  Before I did I made her promise she wouldn’t tell anyone, but it was a promise she only kept until she’d heard my secret.  She then screamed at me.  ‘What a nasty ungrateful child you are.  Your father works so hard to give you nice things.’  She subsequently told anyone and everyone my secret.   ‘Can you believe what upset Jennie?’ she’d ask before launching into my story. ‘Have you ever met a more unappreciative child?’ I have never forgiven her.   No only did she not keep my secret she loved winkling out other people’s secrets too so she could gossip about them.

Not surprisingly I tell her the minimum possible about my life and ignore the fact that she gets extremely angry when she feels I am keeping things from her.   If an event is coming up she also demands she is told about it first.  It’s her way of trying to control me, but I’ve learnt to take no notice.  The amusing thing is if I ask her what she’s been doing the shutters come down and she is becomes extremely secretive.  To be honest I don’t really care.  I keep her at arm’s length but don’t want to totally break up the relationship. 

How sad that your mother betrayed you when you were a child, but well done for realising how badly she behaved. You obviously have had the strength of mind to keep your innermost thoughts to yourself knowing you can’t trust her, particularly as she behaves so badly to other people too. You are right to keep your distance and continue to protect yourself.  Keeping her at arm’s length and managing a minimum level of contact seems to work for you as it does to many others in a similar situation. It is not your fault that she behaves as she does and there is no need to feel guilty for the stand you take. 

Sabotage

Most fathers would encourage their sons in everything they want to do.  My father has been the opposite and tried to sabotage my life.  I am now in my mid forties and he still treats me as part child, part servant.  

In secondary school I started to learn the clarinet.  I loved it and sailed through my music exams.  I even joined a jazz group, which was great.  I also decided I’d like to take a music degree.  My father thought playing the clarinet was a waste of time  and threatened not to help me financially  or even let me come home during the uni holidays if I did what he described as a ‘stupid, irrelevant music degree.’  I felt so disheartened I gave it up and did a boring law degree.  My life improved when I  got a job in the entertainment world which gives me some satisfaction. 

I met my wife in my last year of university and initially took her home to meet my parents because I was so proud of her.  He tried to sabotage that relationship too saying I was much to young to know my mind, that I was reaching out desperately for someone because  I had no confidence and that she wasn’t much to rave about any way. 

I couldn’t stand the strain and we split for a while but a few years later we met at mutual friends, got back together and subsequently married. 

I now just about stay in touch but keep most things about my life to myself.   I still get anxious about him but my wife has encouraged me to try yoga, which I enjoy.

As well as trying to spoil my life, he also seems to sabotage his own.  He doesn’t keep friends for long because he finds fault with them over the slightest thing and subsequently cuts them out of his life.  The then grumbles about feeling lonely and puts pressure on me to visit more often, which I don’t want to do.  Any suggestions? 

You are not alone in having a horrid parent who tries to manipulate your life and disregards your own choices even though you are an adult. It’s not your fault. We suggest that you discuss with your wife how often you want to visit and stick to it however your father reacts.  If he keeps complaining suggest he joins a local club or takes up a hobby to make new friends.  But this too could  backfire on you.

It is excellent hat you can see through him and have had the strength to choose your own satisfying path.

 

An Envious Father

My father is full of envy and resentment and seems determined to make me feel guilty  when anything good comes my way.

I recently got a significant promotion at work. I thought about not telling him because I guessed he would try to spoil it, but I did in the end because I knew my mother would be delighted  and didn’t want her not to know.  I was particularly pleased about timing of my increased salary as it will make it easier for me to stop renting, get a mortgage and a foothold on the property ladder.

My mother beamed with pride when I told them my news but father looked shocked.  His first comment was to tell me I’ll no doubt waste my money on exotic holidays which he’d never been able to do when he was my age.  When I explained I intended to use it to buy a small house he stuttered with anger and asked why I needed a house,  when  I didn’t even know that my wife and I could have a child.  It was a shocking comment which he elaborated by telling me yet again how difficult his own life had been when he was young and he had to scrimp and save to buy enough to eat let alone buy a home.

I understand his life was difficult and he finds it hard to move on, but it not my fault.   Most fathers would be encouraging and very proud that their only son was doing well.  His envious attitude really puts me off going home, but I like to see my mother.  She does her best and tries to soothe him but it usually ends with him sulking. 

It is a shame that your father remains so resentful about his own start in life and doesn’t take pleasure in your achievements.  Your mother, on the other hand sounds caring and supportive.  Could you perhaps see her   on her own outside the home, or arrange to visit when your father might be out.

You’re unlikely to change his attitude or behaviour at this stage in his life.  

Meanwhile you need to protect yourself from his attempts to put you down.  Can you talk about him to your wife?  Her understanding will be  very helpful, especially as you don’t have siblings.

It also might help you if you anticipate that he will be unkind during your visit.  Don’t take it personally and try not to feel guilty about him. 

 

 

A Submissive Mother

My mother’s role in life is to defend my father under any circumstances.

He is never wrong and she always puts his needs first.  In return he is self-centered, unkind and even cruel.  It would be different if they didn’t have any children but they do.  My older sister and I have put together a list of things our mother has repeatedly told us for over thirty years.

You should do what you father tells you.  He is your father after all.

Your father is far too kind to say something like that.

Your father loves you really, he doesn’t mean it.

We have this meal every weekend because your father likes it.

I cannot come and look after your children while you have flu because your father likes me to be home when he gets back from work.

You cannot come and visit because your father doesn’t like noisy children.

If one of us visit them we can’t wait to leave.  Our father is a stickler for timing and meals must be served on the dot.  He even goes ahead  if I’ve rung to say the traffic has been terrible and I’ll be a few minutes late.  As well as being unpleasant to us he always gloats at the power he wields over our mother.  We cringe with how compliant she is in return.  We can’t believe she loves him, but she won’t hear a word of criticism and is totally submissive.  It makes us feel that we just don’t count.  The good thing is that we have the same views about their relationship and how they behave with us and each other much needed support.

Can you explain what it is all about?

It’s very hard to understand the relationship between your parents when  your mother is so submissive and your father so controlling and harder to believe she can love him.  Your mother may be staying because he is such a bully, through a sense of duty,  or she feels she has no alternative.  It’s also no surprise you have a mass of strong feelings and it’s sad that your mother’s lack of emotional honesty towards you and your sister has left you feeling bereft. 

You may also be right that your parents would have been better without children, particularly as they haven’t seized he opportunity to change once they became grandparents.  It is their loss.

You are unlikely to alter the attitude of either parent but if you take a step back you could perhaps see that your mother is trapped and unable/unwilling to change because she doesn’t have the emotional or financial capacity to act differently.

Your parents don’t seem to want you to be close so we suggest you focus on your positive loving relationship with your sister and new families.  It will help you feel stronger and build your confidence.