A story of neglect

'It took me decades to finally realise that I had been neglected by my mother and just as long to try to overcome the affect it has had.

As a child I never climbed into her bed for a morning  hug nor do I remember walking down the street holding her hand.  New clothes were extremely rare and then I had to wear them until the T-shirts and jumpers didn’t reach my waist and I couldn’t do my skirts or trousers up before I’d get a replacement.

She’d even take away my plate if I didn’t eat quickly enough saying she had no time to wait for me to finish and in any case she didn’t want me to get fat.  Nor was she around much.  She was keen to keep up with new films and plays and her friends and barely stayed in.  My father was around a little more but he too was busy.  I mostly felt invisible at home. 

Luckily I was quite bright and did well enough at school to go to a good university and build a stable career.  Initially I felt guilty about buying myself new clothes, then I went on a binge and bought far too much but finally  reached a balance by buying something new each season without going crazy. 

The emotional effect on me has been more difficult to handle.   

I find it difficult to trust people and when I do I become quite needy and worry that if I give of myself I might get hurt.   I’m hopeless at parties as I think no one would really want to talk to me and when the person I am talking to looks beyond me to find someone more interesting I want the floor to open up underneath me.  It’s also embarrassing when friends show me photo albums of their childhood as there are hardly any photos of me as a child and they are just kept loose in a box.    

Things changed in my late thirties when one of my divorced colleagues  took me out to dinner.  He has custody of his two children who had by chance also suffered from a mother who had neglected them.   The children and I clicked when we met.  Perhaps we instinctively felt each other’s need and over time have  formed a strong bond.   By focusing on their needs rather than mine I became stronger and more confident.   Their father and I married two years ago and  I don’t remember ever being happier.  I even believe that he loves me as much as he appreciates my relationship with the children.   Yet in spite of all this I sometimes feel empty inside and that I don’t deserve their love.  How can I stop these feelings?'

 

 

 

You have managed to overcome a neglectful childhood which is a terrific achievement. You have also found a man who loves you for yourself and this has helped you understand your past and be close to his children.  Bu it's understandable that your past can still haunt you. . 

We suggest that you write down some of the sad moments you remember from your childhood together with positive statements like: ‘I didn’t deserve to be ignored over this’ or ‘I was loveable and shouldn’t have been pushed aside’.  This should help you believe in yourself and deserve to be loved. 

Easter and Passover

The festivals of Easter and Passover coincide this year.   One key thing they have in common is that they can both cause tension within the family.   Another is the use of eggs.  For Easter they are made of chocolate.  For Passover they are natural, hard boiled and represent the beginning of life.

Practising Christians usually go to church over Easter.  While others tend to see the four-day break as a family occasion, when they eat hot cross buns together, exchange presents of chocolate  eggs and organise an egg hunt if there are small children.  For those with a horrid parent any present giving is a source of stress and an opportunity for the horrid parent to put you down.  For example, the chocolate may be the wrong brand or a deliberate act on your part to make your horrid parent put on weight, or that t is inferior to one bought by their favourite member of the family.   It can help you cope if you accept in advance that whatever you do might be wrong.

WE SUGGEST

It’s up to you to decide how you’d like to mark Easter.  You could ring the family, send a card, or visit your family and give them a present.  You can equally ignore it completely. Work out, perhaps with an understanding friend or partner, how your parent might behave and be ready for any eventuality.   You could also have an escape plan so if the atmosphere is bad you can suddenly remember where you need to be and politely take your leave. 

Passover is the favourite festival for most Jews.  It involves a different diet and no bread and  requires lots of preparation.   

The eve of the eight-day festival is celebrated by what is called Seder night.  This is traditionally a time when the family gather together to tell the story of the Exodus of Jews from Egypt where they had been Pharaoh’s slaves.  It’s full of symbolism with different foods representing aspects of the story.  It is also a time to think of those people around the world who are still slaves or unable to be free.  In addition there is also a lavish meal.   The first course is a hard boiled egg in salt water which represents the tears of both those who were and still are slaves.   It can be a tense occasion if some family members are less interested in the story  than others.  Mothers, who often do most of the work don’t always feel appreciated and old grievances can rise to the surface. 

WE SUGGEST

It’s a time to take a deep breath, be tolerant, help out and accept Passover only comes round once a year. 

Try Spring Cleaning Your Thoughts

If your horrid mother is putting pressure on you to spring clean your house, why not instead try to spring clean your thoughts.  Spring is a good time to make changes as there is blossom on the trees, the weather is getting warmer, the days are longer and we usually have more energy. 

Think through two or three characteristics your mother has that have upset or angered you the most.  Write them down without worrying how you are expressing yourself, then either fold up the piece of paper and put it away or screw it up and throw in the bin.   This  should help clear your brain.

If, however, you find it hard to let go of painful memories imagine putting them into a box, sealing the lid and putting the box at the back of a high cupboard.  You can bring your box down should you want to but you will be more in control of your painful  memories rather than let them be in charge of you.  

If your mother regularly tries to undermine you, block the thought until you feel calm and positive. Allow her characteristic to linger for a minute or two, then force it out of your mind.  If at first this is too difficult, give yourself a time during the day to think about it.  This again helps you be more in control.  

It's possible that your consciousness may play up and a negative thought will pop into your mind when you are feeling low, or in the middle of the night when people are at their most vulnerable.  Keep a piece of paper and a pen by the side of your bed and write yourself a note to think about it in the morning once you have got up.  You will be in a better mood to cope.     

If you have been holding on to a resentment for a while, early spring is a good time to try to let it go.  Ask yourself why you are holding on to it when it is cluttering up your mind in a negative way.  Then find a way to move on, be constructive and  replace your resentment by doing something new.   Perhaps take up a new hobby, take a walk in the country or/and and see friends. 

Don’t think badly about yourself.  However much your mother might criticise you, tell yourself that no one is perfect and everyone has faults.  It’s important to accept who you are and try to learn from your experiences. 

See our Coping page for more helpful hints. 

Have I inherited my horrid mother's traits?

I worry that I have some similar characteristics to my awful mother.

It’s a feeling that has increasingly grown now that I have been away from home and can view my childhood more objectively. 

I can be impatient, see the negative in both situations and people, have a sharp tongue and even, and I am ashamed to say,  often feel resentful and  inclined to take it out on people who are close to me and sometimes even my lovely husband. I also worry I could behave badly with my two young children, although I haven't yet.   I can also be impulsive and if a friend says something rather tactless or lets me down I want to drop them and end the friendship immediately.

The good side is that I am trying to work on it.  When I feel I am about to lose my temper I force myself to count to at least 25 and usually my rage diminishes a little.  I can't yet stop myself from noticing people’s faults, but I now try to think through their good points too and tell myself no one is perfect.  I’ve also chosen a lifestyle that suits me and makes me feel content.  I have a good balance between work and being a mother, which cuts back on any instinctive grievance. 

But it really bothers me that I have these characteristics at all, because I didn’t like my mother, do my best not to be like her and  so want my children to grow up loving me.

We can’t help the characteristics we are born with and as you say no one is perfect. It is what you do with the aspects of yourself you don’t particularly like that counts.  Try thinking of them as  muscles and if you don’t use them they diminish in power.  It’s good that you are aware which characteristics remind you of your mother and have some strategies to help you. 

It’s understandable that you are particularly sensitive to these traits but everyone has some traits they dislike.    

Finding a life you enjoy will diminish the chances of you being negative.

You are obviously aware of your faults and are doing the best you can to stop them spoiling your life.   If you raise your children with love and are able to apologise when you’ve been angry, it won’t affect their love for you.   

There are more tips to help you on our website’s Coping page. 

Mother's Day

Help! It’s nearly Mother’s Day and I don’t know what to do. 

My mother makes it obvious that she doesn’t like me and that whatever I do is wrong.  I don’t want to buy her flowers, chocolates or send a loving card.  If I do past experience tells me she will say something like:  ‘surely you didn’t waste your money on this? You know full well that I think cut flowers need too much looking after,’ or ‘chocolates make me fat, especially this brand.’   

But if I don’t mark it in some way she’s likely to say: ‘Everyone else’s daughter is buying their mother something nice.  I’ve always known you were a disappointment.’  Or compare me unfavourably with my brother who in her eyes does everything right.  Last year she said rather menacingly: ‘ I had a beautiful card from your brother…now I know who really loves me’.  The fact is that it is true.   I don’t love her and he does.  The problem is I’d feel so guilty if I didn’t get her something. 

Be prepared that whatever you do is likely to be wrong and your mother can seize it as an opportunity to criticise you.  Choosing to ignore the day, which after all, is over commercialised, can trigger a row and may be used by your mother for years to come as an example of how thoughtless and ungrateful you are. 

 

Even choosing the right card is fraught with problems.  For some difficult mothers a card decorated with hearts and flowers and addressed to ‘the best mother in the word’ is the least you can do.

If they have shown you little love or support during and beyond your childhood buying a card like that may stick in your throat.  In which case it’s best to buy a card with simple words that are not too effusive.

However you decide to handle the day do remember that you don’t have to do what you have always done.  You can change both your mind and your behaviour and you don’t need to justify it.   Don’t visit and make a fuss of her if you don’t want to and don't feel guilty about your decision.  But do remember to steel yourself for her to react unpleasantly.  Check out the Coping page on our website for some tips on how to protect yourself.

Confidence tips for International Women's Day

Be yourself.  You don’t have to look same as the people you know or agree with what they say.   Be who you want to be even if people tease you and try to make you feel embarrassed.  Standing up for who you are will help you feel stronger and able to make decisions without worrying what other people think.  The more comfortable you feel about yourself the stronger you are likely to be.

Find a role model.  This can be a member of your family, a teacher, a neighbour, celebrity, sports person or anyone you admire.  Work out what you like about them and if they are well known, read their story.  Many successful people have had difficult backgrounds, health issues or some form of set-back.  It can help your confidence to learn how they coped. 

Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help.  If you don’t understand something or are doing something for the first time, asking for help is better than going ahead and doing something wrong.  This applies to both work and personal life.  Most people are keen to share their experience.  Approaching them to find our what you need to know will help build your confidence.

Find something you really care about. This can be a sport, dancing, drawing, following fashion or even developing an interest in politics.  It will give you something to talk about and provide a  basis for friendship.  Being keen on something helps you feel positive and your passion could even turn into job and career.

Be involved.  Being interested in the world will help expand your horizons.  Talking to people who are unlike your friends can introduce you to different ways of life, including values food and people.  It's worth stepping out of your comfort zone.  Feeling comfortable in an unusual setting will help build your confidence and face new challenges with enthusiasm rather than fear.  

 Don’t let setbacks get the better of you. Life doesn’t always  go smoothly and everyone makes mistakes and faces  disappointment.   Think of your mistakes as a learning opportunity.  Then put them behind you.  Overcoming an obstacle will make you stronger and more focused.  Every time the negative voice in your head tells you you’ve failed make sure you bring out your positive voice to tell you it will all be alright. 

These tips are based on the women who shape our world today from Edwina Dunn, Founder of The Female Lead.

Awkward about compliments?

I didn’t grow up with compliments as part of my life.  In fact I can’t ever remember my mother praising me.  Whatever I did was never good enough and the effect of her negative behaviour has left scars.  One of which is that I don’t know how to accept a compliment, or what to say.   I know in theory they are supposed to make you happy and build your confidence but I just feel embarrassed.  Sometimes I even push the compliment back to whoever has given it to me and say ‘not really’ or ‘I don’t think so,’ which can seem very ungracious.  A work colleague once said they wished they were more like me because I always seemed so calm and organised.  Instead of saying ‘thank you’  I  told her I wasn’t either of those things and they had got me wrong.  She looked so awkward, even crestfallen that I felt really unkind.   

When various male friends have given me flowers, or told me I look really nice in  what I'm wearing, or that I have a good figure, I  feel self conscious and that I don’t deserve it.  It’s nonsense really because deep down I know compliments are lovely. But my instinct is to reject them, perhaps to protect myself.  What I need to know is whether this is a common legacy of having a horrid parent and how should you behave when someone compliments you? 

Many people find it hard to accept compliments, particularly if they have low self-esteem, and it can often be a legacy of having a horrid parent.  They will particularly feel uncomfortable if they have been brought up to believe they are unattractive and someone says they are good looking.  It can seem to be such a contradiction that it must be untrue.

Compliments can also put pressure on people.  If their boss tells them they have done a great piece of work, they may feel that this is now the standard they always have to reach and they worry they won't be able to. 

Our suggestion is to start by trying to build up your self worth.  Bring to mind the things you are good at while blocking out your horrid parent’s negative views.   

You could also try a stock reply such as ‘thank you’ or ‘that’s kind of you’. Or even  return the compliment.

When you receive a compliment it maybe also help to have a neutral thought like “this person is being kind to me” and try not to let it trigger a sense of insecurity.

Do also look at the Coping pages of our website for more ideas.

 

 

Managing Stress

We are introducing an occasional series of guest bloggers.  Dr Kate Joseph, a chartered clinical psychologist, is our first specialist.  

Her pocket book, Managing Stress, co-authored with Dr Chris Irons,  is aimed at teenagers and students but we believe it can also relate to other age groups.   She writes:

Ideally a person’s home is a place where they can relax.   However,  those who have a difficult time with one or both parents will usually find that it also increases their level of  stress in other areas of their life;  for example with friendships, relationships, life at university and/or  money worries. 

It is not your fault that you have a difficult parent but it is your responsibility to try to do something about it.   The first step I  recommend is learning to understand your own emotions. 

It is common for some young people to feel hesitant or even ashamed to talk about their difficult relationship with a parent and some feel that if they haven’t been physically or sexually abused it doesn’t count.  In fact emotional abuse can be just as damaging both emotionally and psychologically. 

There are different types of emotional abuse. It can range from having very critical and hostile parenting to having a neglectful parent who gives you hardly any attention.  Being ignored by your parent can be equally or even more damaging than if they give you a hard time.  

Going to university is a massive change and transition in a young person’s life with new experiences both academically and socially.  It is important to feel you have a support network to enable you to manage all these changes at once. 

If you have unsympathetic or uncaring parents it is vital to share your difficult feelings with other people to get a sense of perspective and to feel supported otherwise you risk your feelings escalating and leading to more serious problems like depression, panic attacks or even suicidal thoughts. 

One important thing to be aware of is that a vicious cycle can arise between stress that lasts for an extended period of time and relationships.  Difficult family relationships can exacerbate stress and chronic stress can make it harder to manage and maintain relationships with family and others. 

One way forward is to find someone else you feel you can rely on, perhaps another family member or a sibling who may understand what it is like to have that particular parent.  You could also try talking to your GP, confiding in a good friend, or approaching a counsellor at university.  Don’t worry about the cost - almost all universities offer free counselling for students. 

One popular coping strategy is mindfulness, which  we write about on page 29 of  the book.  (MHP also has several blogs on the subject)  There is also ‘safe place imagery’ when you use slow breathing and create an image of a safe or soothing place in your mind. (MHP also has a blog on visual imagery.)  This can be particularly helpful when people’s home environment doesn’t feel safe. 

If your parents don’t look out for you it’s important for you to work out your own work/study/ life balance.  It’s also important to eat well, take exercise and get enough sleep.  Adolescents need  around  7 – 9 hours sleep a night and research shows that about 50% of students do not sleep enough.  We cover all these topics in the book.   

There are also chapters on difficulties with studying like procrastination and dealing with setbacks. Some people with demanding parents feel under pressure to get good grades and try to be perfectionists.  We have covered how to manage this and show how you can still have high standards without suffering the stress that can come with perfectionism.

We describe how to develop a learning mindset rather than an achievement mindset so you learn from your achievements as you go along rather than seeing everything you do as a sign of success  or  failure.  We believe in focusing on your journey rather than your destination, as this makes it less likely for you to give up when studying becomes tough. 

I hope this  book will help readers develop their own toolbox to manage stress for life at school, university and beyond.

Managing Stress by Kate Joseph and Chris Irons is now available.  : https://www.amazon.co.uk/Managing-Stress-Pocket-Study-Skills/dp/1352001772

A Toxic Mother-in-law

I am finding it very hard to cope with my new husband’s mother.   It was obvious from the start that she wasn’t going to welcome me into the family but I have a good relationship with my own mother so it didn’t bother me too much.  What I find awful is how critical she is of him and never seems to be happy with anything he says or does. She also makes endless demands on his time and asks him to come round and fix things at the drop of a hat. I realise that she a widow and needs help, and at one level I feel proud that my husband  cares for his mother. 

But dealing with her is like talking to a brick wall. Instead of him popping round at the weekend to carry out a few tasks, she expects him to come almost daily. Last week she called at 11 pm one night to say that a light bulb had gone out in a cupboard and she wanted it fixed.  

He told her he’d come round after work the following day as it obviously wasn’t urgent, but she started shouting and insulting him. I told him I thought she was being totally unreasonable.  He agreed. But he seems unable to stand up to her and always seems to put her needs first.  We have talked about setting some boundaries as I worry about how this will work when we start our own family but so far nothing has changed. Do you have any advice?

It must be very hard for you to see your husband being mistreated by his mother, especially as you have a loving relationship with yours. Reading the myhorridparent.com  website might help you understand his difficulties, particularly those that are complicated and painful.  Perhaps you could gently help him learn how to step back. Try too not to let him to feel torn between you and his mother.  He needs to be confident in your trust and support.

 

Keep talking about his plight so he knows you love him and are concerned and if he confides in you about some of his experiences, be understanding rather than judgemental.   

One idea might be for you both to plan a weekend visit to his mother that is both social and gives him an opportunity to carry out some household tasks. If he has you by his side he may feel more able to be firm with his mother and  cut down on these daily visits.   It will take time but it will be worth it.

Competitive Mothers

My mother always wants to be closely involved with what I do and the decisions I make, but I know it is more about her than it is about me. She’s fiercely competitive too, not least because of issues in her own family that has made her feel she’s never achieved her potential.

When I was a child she took every board or card game we played very seriously and never let me win.  She also insisted we ran countless races in the park.  Sometimes the total would be 25 wins to her and 0 to me.  Instead of encouraging me, she then smirked with pleasure.  One of the few things we have in common is watching Bake Off on the television.  I bake every week too and I used to at her request send her photos of what I’d made.  No longer because it spurred her to make something more elaborate and send me a picture in return.

My husband, who I love, was the first man to propose to me and ever since we got engaged she’s reminded me several times that she had lots of proposals and I know she is trying to denigrate me because I only had one. . If my husband and I go on a holiday she goes somewhere she claims is smarter and she will stay longer.  I’ve noticed too that she is now copying my hairstyle, boasting that hers looks more stylish because she has thicker hair.

I don’t mind or even care what she wants to do, but her relentless competitiveness is undermining and I wish she would just leave me alone to live my life as I want to.

A good way to deal with her competitiveness is to remove yourself from the game so she can’t compete with you.  You can also try to keep the conversation more general rather than let it revolve around what you do.  When she does make an unkind comparison, perhaps about your holiday say: “Your holiday sounds fun and we are absolutely delighted with ours.” Then change the subject.

You could also accept that she won’t change and instead be happy with the choices you and your husband make. Be delighted that you met your husband easily without having to go through lots of broken relationships.

 

 

 

 

 

An Only Child and a Horrid Parent

An only child holds all the hopes and dreams of a horrid parent and their one chance for vicarious fulfillment second time around.  There is no sibling to help relieve the pressure.  

The nasty parent might insist you follow a career they hankered for but never achieved,  regardless of whether you have the talent or interest to pursue it.   They might nag you to be slim when they themselves are overweight,  marry someone rich when they are financially struggling and anything else from doing well in exams to keeping the family name going.  Being permanently under the watchful penetrating eye of  horrid parent is very stressful. 

We suggest that you try not to get involved in such arguments however annoying it is.   Instead  listen quietly, nod wisely or say something neutral like:  ‘Yes, I understand how you feel.  I’ll seriously think about it.’  It’s a  good way to mark time until you can leave home. Meanwhile keep reassuring yourself that like your parent you have just one life, and you have the right to choose  how to live it. Once you are independent you can follow your own path.  This doesn’t mean the criticisms and insults will cease, just that the parent’s  power over you will diminish.    

A single child can only share their thoughts about their difficult parent outside the immediate family. 

Keeping your feelings to yourself, either because of loyalty to the family or because it is difficult to trust anyone with such a sensitive subject, can make you feel lonely. CLICK ISOLATION. A positive aspect is that you learn to rely on yourself from an earlier age than most, learn to make your own decisions work through problems.  Spending a lot of time at home on your own will also help you learn to entertain yourself. 

An only child is likely to be responsible for their parents as they grow older, make major decisions about their welfare and deal with the practicalities.  This can be especially difficult as the nasty parent is ungrateful and rude.

We suggest you think about this demanding and tricky issue from time to time so you develop a general idea of how to cope and the responsibility involved.  Managing the situation in a  humane way could help you avoid a guilty conscience once they have died.  Doing the right thing also means you are less likely to pass on their bad behaviour to the next generation. But there are limits. Do what you feel is necessary, but don’t let your obligations intrude too much into your own life.  If looking out for them is a problem, it can help to think of them as a cantankerous old person you have chosen to visit rather than a parent.  The advantage of not having any siblings is that although you get to do all the work, you don’t have anyone arguing about your view. 

If as a child you associated mainly with adults be prepared for it to take practice to interact with your own age group.  It can also be difficult to relate to small children until you have your own.

We suggest you try to get involved with group activities, anything from sport, charity work, following a hobby.  It gives you something in common to talk about.  It is also a good learning space to watch how others interact and learn from that. 

Your home environment is one where your horrid parent’s view is the only one possible on world issues, personal matters and behaviour. 

 It's possible that outside your home you might need to learn how to negotiate disagreements without resorting to being unpleasant:  that there is more than one way to solve a problem and that other people’s viewpoints are as valid as your own. Listen to what others have to say, then present your view calmly.  Don’t copy your horrid parent and verbally destroy the person you are talking to because you disagree with them.   

Disagreeing with someone doesn’t mean your can’t have a relationship with them.  Don’t cut off friends automatically after an argument.  Every worthwhile relationship has its ups and down.  Write a list of the good things about any friendship before ending it.  Try to be a peacemaker outside of the home even if this isn’t possible with your parent. 

Learning how to argue with confidence while respecting another’s view is  more rewarding than an uncontrolled, irrational outburst and far less draining.    

Suspicion and manipulation

My father has always been very controlling, particularly through money.  If he gives me a birthday gift of cash, it usually comes with instructions as to how it should be spent.  He then invariably checks to make sure his wishes have been followed. He is also very suspicious about people’s motives, generally thinks the worst of everyone and always believes people are trying to cheat him.

Some years ago his mother, my grandmother, died and he gave me some of her jewellery to keep for my own children when they grew up.  It was nice of him and I put everything safely away.  I recently found out that he had apparently asked the children what they thought of the gifts.  As they are still far from grown-up I hadn’t even mentioned it to them.  A few days later he rang and accused me of selling her treasures and using the money for myself. He has since threatened to cut me out of his will and to tell everyone that I am both a liar and a thief. I don’t mind not inheriting his money but it will be shameful to be ostracised and my name blackened by the family.

I have tried to reason with him but he sees my explanations as ‘feeble excuses from a guilty person’. My mother is kind but weak and never stands up to him so she would not support me even if I asked her to.

Some horrid parents use money and their inheritance as a way to control and manipulate their offspring.  It sounds like your father is also highly sensitive about being cheated and generally suspicious of people. This is both sad and difficult for you as there is little you can do to change his attitudes.  Instead try thinking positively about yourself.  Your friends and your own family value you and know you are trustworthy.  As he assumes everyone is out to cheat him, it is likely that others in your social circle have come up against this too.  If you know of anyone this has happened to, try opening up to them. It will help you feel you are not alone.  Meanwhile keep reminding yourself that you are a good person whatever he says.

Apprehension

I feel I’ve spent my life walking on egg shells. When I was at school  I would drag out my journey home for as long as possible because I didn’t know what my mother’s mood was going to be or how she would react to anything  I said.  Sometimes she wouldn't even register that I had arrived, which was fine, but more often than not she'd criticise me for something trivial. 

In some form or other that feeling of dread has stayed with me even though I am now middle aged and have a family of my own. Like most of us I believe it is important to respect peoples’ views and I know that many people find it hard  to be tactful in social situations when they feel passionately about whatever is being discussed. For example you would not rave about Brexit when you know your hosts who have invited you to dinner are Remainers.  But then you usually know were they stand in advance.  In contrast mother’s views are so unpredictable that the feeling of apprehension can be overwhelming.

I should be old enough by now to be able to manage but because she shouted at me so much when I was a child I have a horror of arguments.  Luckily my husband is very even tempered, but on the rare occasions he is annoyed by something I've done, I fear he could abandon me at any moment.

I don’t want to walk away and have nothing to do with my mother, not least because that is the sort of thing she does and I do my best not to follow her example. I just need to learn how to conquer my anxiety.

That feeling of dread is a form of anxiety and a natural reaction to anticipating a fearful situation, especially when you don’t know how your parent will react.  Prepare yourself in advance. Take a look at the coping page. We suggest for example:

Keep your breathing slow and steady. Think of a distraction like a calming image. Write down your experience. Remind yourself that this is not your fault. Try to have someone with you.

Inconsistency

How do you deal with an inconsistent mother?  It’s been a problem all my life and the cause of many arguments.  

It’s meant I have never known where I am with her while I was growing up, and to my surprise it hasn’t changed. 

Last year she praised me to the roof when I took time off work and sat with her for two days when she had flu and a very high temperature.  I mopped her brow, helped her take sips of water and made her some of her favourite chicken soup to eat. Two weeks later she told me I was the most ungrateful daughter in the world because I wouldn’t take more time off to come to her coffee morning with friends.  ‘And to think of all that I’ve done for you,’ she said.

My husband has been at the sharp end of several of her proclamations too.  Sometimes she cosies up to him in a very unpleasant flirty way, I suspect because he is very handsome.  Other times she will say loudly ‘it’s such a shame your husband can’t afford to take you on a decent holiday.  When Daddy was alive he enjoyed making me happy.’  Actually my dad was terrified of her when she was in a spiteful inconsistent mood because he couldn’t cope. 

She behaves in the same way over tiny inconsequential things too. For example one day she’ll makes no comment about me walking about her house in shoes.  The next she screams at me for not taking my shoes off, dirtying her carpet and making even more work for her.   Sometimes I anxious and guilty that I just can’t get it right.

She can be like this with other people too. Recently she spoke enthusiastically about going to a family wedding, then decided she couldn't stand the bride and cancelled. 

So far I don’t have children to worry about but I want to try and sort out this problem in my head before we start our own family.  Anyone got any helpful ideas on how to cope?

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Tips to Feel Good About Yourself

Tell yourself that the sort of parent you have is not your fault. You didn’t bring them up and their behaviour is their responsibility not yours. Nor will you  be able to change them.

What you can do is try to help yourself so here are some suggestions:

 1. Build Up Your Self Confidence

Write down three things you are good at.  These can be anything from remembering football scores to sewing.  

Think of three kind things you have done recently for a friend, a relative or an animal. No matter how small or insignificant you think they are.   

Write down three good things about yourself.   

Use what you have written to help convince yourself that you are NOT like your horrid parent and that you deserve to be loved.

2.Stay Healthy

Try to get enough sleep.

Eat as healthily as you can.

Talk regular exercise such as walking.

Keep in contact with your friends and see them regularly. .

Make time to enjoy a leisure activity.

3.  Try To Manage Yourself Better When You Are Around Your Horrid Parent

Write down one thing that you have done to help yourself this past year when your horrid parent has tried to undermine. This might be something that you planned to do,  or that you actually did. What did it feel like? How effective was it? Could you try it again? Could you try something else? What do you need to find the courage to keep trying?

If you have found something helpful, keep thinking about it to help you feel better.  

Remember that you are not alone - sadly many other people will have similar experiences to your own.

Not The Usual New Year Resolutions

Most people make practical New Year resolutions, like losing weight,  taking more exercise,  drinking less alcohol or saving more money.  Yet only eight percent of  people actually keep them. 

We at My Horrid Parent  would like to propose  you take a different line.  We suggest you look back over the year at  how your horrid parent has behaved, how you have reacted and what you might do another way.

First of all  it is important to accept that whatever age and stage of life you have reached, your parent is extremely unlikely to behave differently.  So just hoping they will change won’t work.

The second thing is to talk accept that how your horrid parent behaves is not your fault.  That nobody’s perfect and that overall you have done your best.

Then itemise the aspects of  your horrid parent's behaviour you no longer wish to tolerate.  Write down as far as your memory lets you when they were rude,, spiteful, aggressive and demeaning to you and what, if anything, was happening at the time that might have provoked them.

Take a long hard look at what you have written and then write down what if anything  you did that helped you and/or defused the nastiness.   This could be as simple as listening to soothing music.  Tick the item so you know to try it again in 2018.  But tell yourself not to be disappointed if it doesn’t work.  Horrid parents are often irrational and unpredictable.

Then comes the difficult bit.  Note down a couple of things that they  do that really upsets you and try to think strategically on how to deal with it.    Experiment changing your response when they are rude and see if it works  any better.  Our Coping pages on www.myhorridparent.com  have some suggestions.  Also try joining our Forum – reached via the website to see if others in the same situation can make suggestions. 

Then make the New Year one when you don’t argue or try to get your own view across, because that won’t work.  But be pleased that you have gathered some ways to help you cope.  For example if  you live at home, work out excuses for you suddenly having to go out.  If you are visiting your parents, have ready some ideas that will enable you to leave early.

If you can’t distance yourself physically do so in  your mind.   There are hints on this on the website too.

Of course do make practical New Year’s Resolutions as well should you want to,  but make sure they are realistic and you don’t feel bad about yourself if they don’t work for you.

Coping With Winter

Grey skies and long dark nights can make life difficult and even more so for  those who have a problem or a horrid parent.  It’s particularly easy to feel glum at the end of the festive season. 

Here are some suggestions to help you look after yourself.

Don’t keep blaming yourself for things you can’t control.  

Tell yourself repeatedly that  how your parents behave is not your fault.  The more you say it the more likely you are to believe it.

Every day find a reason to be pleased with yourself and quietly think or write down why.  It will help keep negative thoughts at bay.

Try to be more open about your problems.  On www.myhorridparent.com  we have tried to banish the stigma of admitting you have a tough time with a parent and even dislike them.  If , for example, having a horrid parent is getting you down, look through our website  for suggestions on how to cope..  Do join our forum and Facebook page.   You will find lots of other people of all ages who have  similar problems. 

Exercising outside every day every day even if it is a walk round the block. will help.

Stretching exercises can help  relieve tension but make sure your body is warmed up first.  You can find lots of ways to stretch on the web.  Try them out, gently at first,  then pick a few that suit you best and add them to your daily routine.

If the weather is ghastly and you don’t want to go out  put on some music and dance to it.  Or if you have access to stairs walk up and down them several times. 

Breathing exercises are useful when you feel low. Take deep breaths from your stomach counting slowly to four as you breath in and push your stomach out, and four as you breathe out and tighten your stomach.   Do this at least six times.  

Phone a friend and try to meet up for a chat or a walk.  Even the busiest people have some time to spare.  Just make sure you don’t get upset if you are turned down.  They genuinely might have something else to do.

Keep warm.  Several thin layers will be warmer than one thick one. 

Have a long warm shower or soak in your bath. 

Look out for bulbs forcing their way through the earth and remember from Thursday 21 December the days get slightly lighter and spring is on the way.   

Guilt

I can’t help it but at some point every day I feel guilty about my mother and more so at this time of year.

From my childhood onwards, her aim has been to upset me.  Even today twenty years on, I can still remember her laughing at my spots.   She seemed to enjoy making me feel useless and discouraged me in everything I wanted to do. 

She said I would never get the grades to go to a decent university.  I did.  She said no one would want to marry me.  They did.  She rubbished the thought of me being a mother telling me  I was hopelessly disorganized and incapable.  But my three kids and I seem to get on with each other just fine.

Gradually over the years I learnt not to take her negativity to heart.  I don’t shout at her or even try to discuss thing calmly as that wouldn’t get me anywhere.  Instead I  withdraw.  I don’t ring her very often and when I do I don’t speak for long.  I’ve cut down on the visits, but, and it’s a big but, I get overwhelmed with guilt, especially when she says all her friends’ children see them much more often, particularly over the festive season.   The reality is that visiting her is never nice and it bothers me that as she gets older and more lonely she will expect me to come more often. 

In fact she’s lucky she sees me and the kids at all.  My husband says I should break off all contact because she is so unpleasant, but I don’t want to.  I suppose at some deep level I love her but I don’t like her.

I used to long to be close to her but I know it will never happen.  Equally I now can never be the daughter she wanted.  So how do I deal with the guilt? 

Feeling guilty is a common reaction to having a horrid parent and is compounded by the fact that a horrid parent can never be satisfied. They are inconsistent about what they want from their offspring moment to moment and day by day. Accepting that there's nothing you can do about what she does and doesn't want can help you realise that you have made a wise decision to distance yourself from her. 

When you do feel guilty it might help if you say to yourself “If I do X she might be angry.  If I don’t do X she might be angry.”  Tell yourself it is impossible to get right.   

Keeping your horrid parent at arm’s length and talking about neutral subjects is a good way to maintain some sort of relationship while also protecting yourself and your own family.  It will also mean you are trying to be the best daughter you can be.

The Christmas Visit

If you are spending Christmas with a horrid parent make sure you take on board before you go that it will be difficult and there is likely to be a flare-up.  Sometimes the flare-ups will be caused by tiny details that most people would gloss over.

Here are some suggestions on how to cope. 

Based on your previous experience of the likely trigger points for your horrid parent, work through your strategy on the best way to deal with them in advance.  See our Coping page on the website  www.myhorridparent.com.

Talk about the visit with your partner and tell him or her you will need their  support and that if things get too bad you would appreciate them intervening on your behalf.  Tell them too that you might need them to be patient on the way home as you offload your grievances and disappointment on how it all went wrong.   

Don’t drink too much.  It can loosen your tongue  and  your inhibitions and make you much more prone to get into an argument.  If you don’t think you can drink in moderation, keep to soft drinks.  It makes sense to stay in control.

Avoid playing competitive games. Either don't join in or choose to take with you something  that is gentle and  difficult to fight over. 

If you are making a contribution to any of the meals, accept that your horrid parent might criticise it.  Try not to take it personally and instead tell yourself that it is the best you can and actually rather delicious.   You could even offer to take leftovers home.  The reaction might be interesting.   

Plan that your visit is as brief as possible using work, visits to other relatives, kids activities, other holiday treats or anything you can think of so you don’t have too stay too long.  If you can, just stay for the Christmas meal and leave soon afterwards.

If you have far to travel think of staying nearby rather than at the parental home.

If you do have to stay overnight  try to get out at some point You could go for a walk , visit the local pub (see above re drink)  or go sales shopping.  

If the atmosphere really deteriorates have a reason ready why you must leave.   

Christmas without Dad.

I was so sad when Dad and Mum split up  two years ago.    I was heartbroken.  I got on with him so much better than with Mum who was always criticising me.  He used to call me his “little darling” even when I was fully grown.

So I really missed him when he didn’t make contact for a month.  He then confessed that he had met someone else and had moved in with her and her two children. Both girls.

I was quite shocked and rather jealous.  I kept ringing him asking when he was free but he kept  putting me off.   Eventually we met up in a café and he brought his girlfriend along.  She seemed okay but  kept pawing Dad and didn’t ask anything about me.  She obviously wasn’t interested.  Nor did she  seem to understand that I wanted to talk to Dad on my own. 

Last Christmas I asked if I could spend time with him perhaps go on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve.  He put me off again and just sent me a voucher for Christmas which is the sort of thing you send to someone you don’t know.  Now this Christmas is nearly with us I’ve still not heard if I can go and see him. 

I feel heartbroken and totally abandoned and don’t know what to do.  Mum is still recovering from the split  and won’t talk about it.   We will probably go to my grandmother’s which will be pretty gloomy. 

It’s not easy to accept that your Dad is not around at Christmas time. You have clearly done your best to maintain your relationship with him but it doesn’t seem to have worked.   Perhaps he has been too preoccupied with his new relationship to think of your feelings. Maybe with the passage of time he might be more open to making contact this year. 

It is also possible that his girlfriend feels uncomfortable about the relationship you and he had and he feels awkward talking to you on the phone when she is around.  Try contacting him by email and keep  the conversation light and friendly. It  might lead to him agreeing to meet up again, perhaps on neutral ground, like a cafe.

If your mother feels less resentful and puts your needs first, could she broach the subject for you with your dad?   Even though Christmas at your grandmother's  sounds dull, she will probably be delighted to see you and it's probably better than just spending it with your mother.  Over the Christmas period try to see friends  as much as possible to reduce the  chance of too much tension.  Or try taking lots of long walks.