IT'S ALL TOO MUCH

I need your advice.  It’s been a very hard few months.  My husband has been ill and spent some time in hospital.  He is now home and slowly recovering, but by no means his usual self.  We have three children and I have a full-time job which sometimes means sometimes I am working late at night.  I have done my best to be a supportive wife and optimistic mum but it has taken its toll. Things were beginning to look up but my mother who was widowed two years ago has just told me that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and wants me to take her to see a specialist, be around for chemo and general look after her.   

We have never got on because she was such a bully and tried to undermine me but I am an only child so I know it’s all up to me.  I have in the past suggested she gets a housekeeper but no one is good enough for her.  Frankly I am so exhausted and stressed that I can only just manage what I am doing.  But I don’t want to feel guilty now or in the event that things don’t work out well for her.   I would be very grateful for your thoughts.   

OUR COMMENTS 

What an incredibly difficult time you are having.  No wonder you are exhausted and don’t feel able to take on yet another taxing challenge.  This would no doubt be the case even if you had a kind, loving relationship with your mother.    

At best you can only offer very limited time and won’t be able to give her the attention and care she’ll no doubt need.  We advise you to take some time right now to think carefully about what you can and can’t manage.   For example perhaps you could be with your mother when she talks to the specialist for the first time?   It could help ease her feeling shocked and fearful.   Do bring up the idea of a housekeeper again, but try to tell her  that no one is likely to  provide all the care she  probably feels is her due and she needs to compromise.  Then  let her and whoever she employs sort out their relationship together.

If your mother tries to bully you into feeling guilty, think through all the various roles and responsibilities you already have and steel yourself against being manipulated.  

As you are an only child it’s reasonable to help her plan how she wants to handle her illness, but you can’t be expected to do everything.  

 

INTRUSIVE MOTHER

 My mother is a control freak.  Even now, despite me being in my forties, she tries to grill me on everything I do and decision I make.  In order to manage this I do my best not to tell her much about my life but recently I don’t seem to be able to do this.  My husband is a doctor and works day and night in our local hospital.  Our two daughters have recently moved in with their boyfriends so I am very much on my own.  My mother has started to ring me several times a day, pretending she was concerned about me, but really seeing it as an opportunity to take back as much control as she used to have.  

I am increasingly struggling to manage this.  The lockdown experience during the pandemic made me withdraw and crawl into my shell and I think I am still adapting to the changes.  And although I see my daughters regularly, it is not the same as having them live at home.  Meanwhile my mother is making arrangements to come over or us visit her several times over the next few months.  What can I do?

OUR COMMENTS: 

Surviving the pandemic has been incredibly challenging and those with horrid parents have had some additional pressures. You did your best with your own family, and your mother’s behaviour sounds as if she has not only struggled but also become more controlling and demanding. In addition it sounds like you are experiences an ‘empty nest’ situation.

It is likely that you are stressed and exhausted so do try to take some time for yourself. Perhaps you could link up with some old friends again? Make a list of some simple but enjoyable activities and make space to do them as often as time and your energy allows. Be kind to yourself.

Now that your daughters have left home it is a new challenge for you to cope with. Have discussions with them about what sort of visits would suit you all. Put some dates in the diary so you have things to look forward to. Can you also plan some time with your busy husband?

As life has eased up we suggest you take a firm line with your mother, acknowledging that she may need more time and attention, but telling her that for the moment you want to focus on your husband and daughters. You could make some suggestions for her although she may ignore these. Make a plan as to how and how often you would like to be in contact with her. Think carefully about what topics you are willing to discuss with her and stick to these. If her questions become intrusive then change the subject or make an excuse and call her later. In time you will find your confidence has increased and you can be more in charge of your life.