My Ruined Marriages

I am just getting over my second divorce and wonder whether they have been entirely my fault or I just choose the wrong type of men.  I long to be loved, needed and appreciated.  All the things I didn’t get from my mother.  I don’t even know if it’s all gone wrong because I hold back too much, am too independent or much too clingy.  My father left home when I was ten because he couldn’t take my mother’s nagging so I don’t have any memories of a happy home life.  I’ve watched how other couples cope with each other and have tried to copy their behaviour, but it hasn’t worked.  I don’t have children because I just didn’t dare and it’s now too late.   My mother demeaned me at every opportunity and told me more times than I can count that no one would want to marry me.  Perhaps I rushed into two marriages in quick succession just to prove her wrong. 

 But now I think she might be right.  Please help me.  I don’t know how someone can cope in adult life when their mother wanted to crush them to pieces.   

OUR COMMENTS 

It must be heart breaking to get divorced for the second time. You could be right that you chose the wrong partner, but there could also be other reasons. It is a tough legacy to grow up with a horrid parent and lose your father at an early age and no surprise that you need love, reassurance and approval. Three basic needs that have left you exposed and vulnerable when it comes to new relationships. They have perhaps also prevented you knowing how to create a healthy, long-lasting partnership. 

You have done well to escape from your mother’s clutches.  It is also helpful that you have observed and noted how others manage their marriages. However it is not necessarily a good idea to copy them.   Instead you need to work out what is right for you.  

You suggest that perhaps your marriages haven’t worked because of your choice of men or/and that you are unsure who you really are.  On the positive side we believe they are nothing to do with your ability to have a loving close relationship.  So take no notice of any unkind comments your mother makes.   

Instead give yourself a break after your recent divorce and spend time thinking about yourself.  You are doubtless a unique individual with some admirable qualities. Write them down and absorb what they say about you.  You shuld also think about how you behave whether you really are too clingy, too independent or a combination of the two.   If you’d like to do ask a close friend to help.  We hope this will help you treat yourself more kindly and become more confident of who you are.  It will also help you be more authentic with others.  

It is hard to escape from a crushing horrid parent but if you work on building yourself up, making new friends lean on.