Insecurities

 My horrid mother did a good job in making me feel insecure. (I am being sarcastic )  I never knew what mood she would be in and always felt I was walking on egg shells at home.  One word out of place and she wouldn’t speak to me sometimes for several days.  She also let rip if I wore something she didn’t like and has always harshly criticised my shape and looks. 

I learnt from my painful experiences to hold back my emotions with friends because I told myself it would help save me from getting hurt if the relationship fell apart. But in my late twenties I fell in love and I married three years later.  He is a good man, at least I think so, but so hard working that he is often distracted and I don’t see much of him.  The problem is I am beginning to feel very insecure.  I’ve opened my heart to him and I know if the marriage was to fail I just couldn’t cope.  I have asked him to cut down a little with work and he’s said it’s difficult to do while the country is in chaos and good jobs are difficult to find. I wonder if I worrying unnecessarily and he loves me dearly. More upsetting is the realisation that  the nervous wary little girl still exists deep inside me.    

It can be very hard for anyone to develop into a confident adult when their mother has been so  undermining. Those who do grow up with a horrid parent are often driven by a powerful d need to secure that parent’s love and attention.   Mostly without success.  This huge wish for total love and acceptance can then be transferred to others. It is not realistic as friends and lovers cannot step in to a parent’s shoes.  

As a young adult living away from your mother you should be able to decide who you want to be and start to grow towards that. The more you gain satisfaction from your work, interests and friends the stronger your belief in yourself will become. On the other hand if you transfer all your hopes for complete fulfilment onto one other person, in your case your husband, the harder it will be for him to fulfil the role you have given him. This could be what is making you anxious. 

 Even if the legacy you have from your mother is making you feel insecure in your marriage, take a step back and think hard about whether your husband's behaviour is reasonable. If you still feel like a needy child you should try to find other realistic ways to increase your belief in yourself. It will take time and is not easy but it will help your relationship if you are both feel love for each other.