My Deliberately Unhelpful Mother

I have tried my hardest to get on better terms with my mother, but it’s all been one way. She was pretty unpleasant when I was a child but I had hoped that once I’d married and had children she would enjoy being a grandmother.  

My daughters are eight and six and I work four days a week.  We visit my parents regularly and invite them over.  Partly I admit because I want to prove to her that I am a better person than she gave me credit for and partly because deep down I want her to like me.  

I also bend over backwards for her but it is something she expects rather than is grateful for. She does not reciprocate, even when there is a family emergency.  I rarely ask her to help out as she makes such a big deal of it all, but it really hurts me that she is so unsupportive.  My husband travels a lot for work and sometimes I really need some practical support.  If I give her notice when I’d like her to help me, she refuses to commit herself in advance and in the end always pulls out.  When it’s last minute she finds endless excuses why she can’t help me.  In fact she has never once picked either of the girls from school and on the rare occasions I am ill, she suddenly gets unwell too and has to stay at home.   I have begun to think she enjoys me being harassed.  My girls are not very keen on their grandmother either so I am thinking I should just forget about pleasing her, not visit and wait for her to want us.  

 OUR COMMENTS 

It must be very painful to get to the point when you realise that your mother is not the kind, loving person you want her to be. Despite all your efforts over several years you haven’t been able to improve her behaviour towards you.  Sadly you are probably right that she won’t change now. Nor is she likely to try to support you when she’s needed, or help with her granddaughters.  It might be better if you arranged and paid for childcare yourself, rather than have the uncertainty of waiting for your mother to make a decision, especially when it always seems to be negative. That way it will also avoid any emotional baggage. 

It’s natural that you want to show your mother that you have grown up to be a successful adult with a family of your own.  She may well recognise the fact but she’s not going to give you the satisfaction of telling you.   Unfortunately the more you strive to get her approval the less  likely she is to show it.  You would be better off focussing on your own family where love can be shared and freely expressed.   

We agree that you should forget about pleasing her and visit only if and when you feel you need to.