Blogs — My Horrid Parent

I have a horrid mother. It’s difficult to admit but she does such nasty things that there is really no doubt about it. I am fifteen now and am beginning to have views and likes and dislikes of my own. But I am not allowed to disagree with my mother. Her view stands and that’s it. I am not talking about politics. It’s more petty stuff like how long my hair is and wanting to be vegan when she likes meat.

If I say anything she disagrees with, she starts shouting, saying I will never amount to anything. That she wishes I had never been born and that while I live in her house – it’s Dad's too but that seems irrelevant – her views count. I feel so crushed and it’s so unfair. All my friends seem to get on with their parents even when they disagree with them.

I think the way my mother treats me is wrong and I don’t like her for it. I’m not perfect, but I am okay and her stopping me from being me is just horrid.

And yet…sometimes when we are out at a family celebration my mother is the life and soul of the party. She looks beautiful and is funny and charming. I feel proud of her and even love her. It’s natural to love your mother, not least because as a child you need her so much. But some of her behaviour must be a façade. Once we get home she starts shouting at me about things I said that she didn’t like. How I interrupted her and ruined her evening. ‘Can’t I enjoy anything?’ she says.

I meanwhile have no idea what I did wrong. Worse than that I don’t have anyone I can trust to understand me if I explain that although I do love my mother I also really, really dislike her. I don’t know how to manage it.

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If you feel you don’t have any control over the way your horrid parent starts and/or manipulates an argument, mindfulness can help by creating space between you and what is going on.

With practice it can remove you from feeling you are in the situation to observing it. There are many different techniques you can use. The best known is meditation. This involves being conscious of your breath and letting your thoughts cross your mind, with their associated emotions, without you trying to get involved in them.

The special breathing can be done anywhere, at any time and involves being still and focusing on your breath. Try it initially for one minute.

Breathe in through the nose counting to three and out through the mouth for another three. Take it easily and gently and try not to think of anything else. Be aware of each breath as it travels in and then out of your body. Once you manage to concentrate for a minute try two or three.

This breathing technique and becoming more aware of your surroundings will help you stay in the present moment and relieve your stress. It can also prevent any feelings of anxiety from past or possible future events from overwhelming you.

Committing yourself totally to the present moment isn’t easy and you need to be patient with yourself. Try to take each day as it come. It will also help if you can enjoy some of life’s simple wonders like the way the clouds move, the flight of birds and even drops of water when you turn on a tap.

Also try looking at an object like a tree as if you are seeing it for the first time. Think about how it has grown from a tiny seed, how the branches lift to the sunlight and the extraordinary way leaves open in the spring. Concentrate on it for a couple of minutes without letting yourself think about anything else.

If a negative thought comes into your mind, take a moment to recognise what it is and then try to release it by willing it away. With practice mindfulness can help rid you of automatic negative reactions and replace them with positive ones.

Mindfulness works for many people but not everyone. If it makes you feel uncomfortable stop doing it. Seeing friends, listening to music and reading are other ways of helping you escape from stress.

Let us know if you have found mindfulness helpful or not on our new Forum.