My mother has dominated my life with little concern for anyone else's feelings. She is now in a wonderful care home and her dementia (I think) has illuminated her personality into a person who I can no longer bear to be around. She has managed to alienate everyone around her with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the carers (who are so patient) and complains about everyone and everything. She blames my sister and me for the air she breathes. I am sick this, I don't want to visit her anymore and I don't want my adult children to be manipulated like I was and be around her negative attitude anymore. I hate feeling obliged to have her at my house (as I have every holiday of our lives) and urge my children to "tolerate" her for my sake.

Now I am 60 I would like to feel that she does not dominate my whole life. I would like to have a happy holiday season for a change and have my children want to come home (without Grandma always being there). I also find that visits with her send me into bouts of low mood that I have a hard time shaking. Am I alone? I feel like a selfish person but I don't like her now and never have. How can I manage me guilt and this situation?

No wonder you are having bouts of low mood when you visit your very difficult mother. This does not ease as we all grow older. And you’re right, her dementia may be making her behaviour worse as she becomes more confused. Nevertheless you also have a responsibility to your children, and everyone’s well being is important. You have done your best to include your mother in family celebrations but you have reached your limit. She has not changed and you really don’t owe her anything further.

Guilt is a common response to a sense of obligation but is not helpful. Perhaps you can work out a compromise that means you and your immediate family have a joyous holiday season without your mother present while you visit her (briefly) before and after the celebrations. Now that she is in a care home she will have company.

Check out the Coping page for more ideas.