My in-laws are driving me mad and have obviously decided that their relationship with us will totally change now we have a baby.   They turned up at the hospital without warning  and my mother-in-law started preaching about how to breast feed and wind her.  

I was pretty speechless at the time as it was a long labour and the baby wasn’t yet an hour old. Luckily my husband got rid of them after 15 minutes.   Our daughter is now three months old.  It’s not easy but I am doing quite well and can’t bear the fact that my mother-in-law rings me every day checking on what I am doing and offering unwanted advice.  She even talked about registering her at a prep school she thinks is suitable.  My husband knows his mother is very difficult and always supports me and so far only allowed her and my father-in-law to visit twice.  

I understand she is excited about being a grandmother as her other son doesn’t  want to be a parent. But my parents are so much more understanding and tactful and so far haven’t put a foot wrong.  

I dread seeing or speaking to either of them, but I know they love my husband and our baby.  What should I do?

OUR COMMENTS 

Congratulations on the birth of your baby daughter.  There is so much to learn, including how to cope with your intrusive mother in law.  It is important at this early stage for you to have the space and help you need.  As you are already dreading her calls we advise you to plan her involvement and then get your husband to pass it on to her as subtly as possible.   

The plan can be flexible so you can adapt it as you get used to being a new mother.  A good place to start is deciding how often it’s fair for her to ring, but she should always call your husband – obviously out of office hours – not you so that you can chat at the end of the call should you want to.  It is also perhaps a good idea to set a flexible date or two for them to visit so they have something to look forward too.  

When your mother in law starts offering advice or making plans for schooling thank her for being helpful and say you and your husband will discuss later. It’s important to make it clear that you two are the ones who will be making decisions. If she starts telling you how to bring up your daughter have a polite answer ready which can just be a simple “thanks, that’s kind of you”. 

It’s a good sign that they love their son and baby granddaughter but they mustn’t be intrusive and controlling. If your husband thinks this is ingrained in them, the two of you need to work out a long-term plan of action.