I need your advice.  It’s been a very hard few months.  My husband has been ill and spent some time in hospital.  He is now home and slowly recovering, but by no means his usual self.  We have three children and I have a full-time job which sometimes means sometimes I am working late at night.  I have done my best to be a supportive wife and optimistic mum but it has taken its toll. Things were beginning to look up but my mother who was widowed two years ago has just told me that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer and wants me to take her to see a specialist, be around for chemo and general look after her.   

We have never got on because she was such a bully and tried to undermine me but I am an only child so I know it’s all up to me.  I have in the past suggested she gets a housekeeper but no one is good enough for her.  Frankly I am so exhausted and stressed that I can only just manage what I am doing.  But I don’t want to feel guilty now or in the event that things don’t work out well for her.   I would be very grateful for your thoughts.   

OUR COMMENTS 

What an incredibly difficult time you are having.  No wonder you are exhausted and don’t feel able to take on yet another taxing challenge.  This would no doubt be the case even if you had a kind, loving relationship with your mother.    

At best you can only offer very limited time and won’t be able to give her the attention and care she’ll no doubt need.  We advise you to take some time right now to think carefully about what you can and can’t manage.   For example perhaps you could be with your mother when she talks to the specialist for the first time?   It could help ease her feeling shocked and fearful.   Do bring up the idea of a housekeeper again, but try to tell her  that no one is likely to  provide all the care she  probably feels is her due and she needs to compromise.  Then  let her and whoever she employs sort out their relationship together.

If your mother tries to bully you into feeling guilty, think through all the various roles and responsibilities you already have and steel yourself against being manipulated.  

As you are an only child it’s reasonable to help her plan how she wants to handle her illness, but you can’t be expected to do everything.