My mother is a control freak.  Even now, despite me being in my forties, she tries to grill me on everything I do and decision I make.  In order to manage this I do my best not to tell her much about my life but recently I don’t seem to be able to do this.  My husband is a doctor and works day and night in our local hospital.  Our two daughters have recently moved in with their boyfriends so I am very much on my own.  My mother has started to ring me several times a day, pretending she was concerned about me, but really seeing it as an opportunity to take back as much control as she used to have.  

I am increasingly struggling to manage this.  The lockdown experience during the pandemic made me withdraw and crawl into my shell and I think I am still adapting to the changes.  And although I see my daughters regularly, it is not the same as having them live at home.  Meanwhile my mother is making arrangements to come over or us visit her several times over the next few months.  What can I do?

OUR COMMENTS: 

Surviving the pandemic has been incredibly challenging and those with horrid parents have had some additional pressures. You did your best with your own family, and your mother’s behaviour sounds as if she has not only struggled but also become more controlling and demanding. In addition it sounds like you are experiences an ‘empty nest’ situation.

It is likely that you are stressed and exhausted so do try to take some time for yourself. Perhaps you could link up with some old friends again? Make a list of some simple but enjoyable activities and make space to do them as often as time and your energy allows. Be kind to yourself.

Now that your daughters have left home it is a new challenge for you to cope with. Have discussions with them about what sort of visits would suit you all. Put some dates in the diary so you have things to look forward to. Can you also plan some time with your busy husband?

As life has eased up we suggest you take a firm line with your mother, acknowledging that she may need more time and attention, but telling her that for the moment you want to focus on your husband and daughters. You could make some suggestions for her although she may ignore these. Make a plan as to how and how often you would like to be in contact with her. Think carefully about what topics you are willing to discuss with her and stick to these. If her questions become intrusive then change the subject or make an excuse and call her later. In time you will find your confidence has increased and you can be more in charge of your life.