I have never got on with my mother.  And she dislikes me.  I can do no right in her eyes and she regularly tells me that all her friends have daughters who are much more dutiful/caring/helpful than me.   I expect these daughters also have a more loving less critical mother, but I keep my mouth shut.  

I was delighted to get away when I got married to a man who appreciates me for who I am.  We also have two lovely boys.  Having a child made me to think long and hard about what sort of mother I wanted to be.  I couldn’t love my own mother, but I decided to be decent and not interfere with any relationship  she might have with my children.  I think grandmothers  are very important in children’s life and I didn’t want to spoil that.

 However my mother still tries to put me down whenever she sees me.  At her request I take the children round to see her at lunch-time on a Saturday and leave mid afternoon.  Things have got worse over the last month or so.  She mother happily feeds the children but refuses to give me anything to eat.  My younger son, who is four but very observant asked her why she didn’t give ‘mummy’ anything and she went into a tirade about how I didn’t deserve a meal.  I managed to cut her short by telling the boys I wasn’t hungry as I didn’t want to worry them.  

 Nevertheless both of them were very upset as I drove home, particularly as she is repeating her behaviour each time we visit. They have told me they don’t want to go to see her any more, which is I think their way of showing loyalty to me.  Should I insist or persuade them to see her tell my mother why they are upset and finish the relationship?   

OUR COMMENTS 

You paint a painful picture and it’s no surprise that your sons don’t want to repeat it.  Your dilemma is that you want to be both a good mother and a good daughter at the same time, which isn’t easy.  You realise your first priority is to protect your growing children and protect them from your mother’s bad  behaviour.    

You have various options.  You could keep your sons away from your mother for a while. You could meet her on your own either at her house, your home or somewhere neutral. If she asks to see her grandsons you could then explain that her behaviour towards you upset them; something she is unlikely to accept and  will probably deny.    

What has happened might also give you a chance to tell the boys in simple terms about her unpleasant behaviour.  Remind them that they are safe with you and they do not need to see her unless they want to. If they change their mind we strongly suggest that you see her on your terms and avoid going at a mealtime.  

If, however, you decide to end your relationship with your mother you will find that you are not alone and many others have also understandably chosen this option.