My ridiculous father wants  me to send him a Valentine card.  It’s such a cheek.  I am in my late 40s and he is nearly 70 and the most unpleasant bully I have ever come across.  I never felt he loved me and told me endlessly that he had wanted a boy not a girl – ‘who just gets in the way.’   

 He also blames me for the difficult birth and pregnancy my mother had and the fact that after my birth she was told not to have more children.  Something of course that is not my fault.  Sadly she died some years ago. He belittled me so much that for many years I felt I was indeed worthless.  It took a lot of work and determination to build up my confidence.  Now I live in Europe with my husband and three children  and have very little to do with him.   I only come over two or three  times a year but I am now aware of how frail he has become.  In one way I feel sorry for him, but I can’t love him.  

I also am not the least interested in Valentine’s Day personally but wonder whether I should email him a card, which doesn’t come from my heart,  because after all he is my father?  

OUR COMMENTS 

Valentine’s Day on 14th February has always been about romantic love rather than parental love and  Mother’s and Father’s day comes later in the year.  It’s an odd request, so you should think through your father’s possible motives. 

You also need to consider how you feel about him at the moment.  Do you feel sorry for him now he is getting old? Are there things that you want to say to him before it is too late? Or do you want to give him an opportunity to say important things to you? 

Remember you distanced yourself and your family for good reasons so be careful about making changes without first talking them through with you immediate family. You can then make a plan. Do you want to be in closer touch  with him?  If so you could email or phone him more often. You could also be involved with his care from a distance - for example look into care providers. Being clear about your motives will help you take a course that is meaningful rather than sentimental.   

Overall we don’t think it is appropriate to send him a Valentine’s card but you could send him a friendly general message on the day if you want to.