I have had a wonderful family Christmas.  My mother died last July and we used to have to spend it with her at her home. So  I was quite anxious about how I would feel despite always having a tough time with her.   

My husband and teenage daughters were really keen to have Christmas at our home and told me that they would go along with anything I wanted.  It’s time they said I made celebrating Christmas my own.  They also spoilt me rotten.  They helped me with the meal. Told me how much they all loved me.  My husband surprised us with champagne, bought me a beautiful piece of jewellery and said how happy he was that he married me.  My daughters stayed with me all day even turning down joining their friends.     

I was of course delighted and deeply moved by their efforts, but I’ve been so used to my mother finding fault with everything I did and said  that I found it difficult to handle.   I kept brushing off their compliments, criticising myself and saying their lovely presents weren’t necessary.  I even said I didn’t recognise the loving mother and wife they described.  I noticed that one of my daughters seemed upset with me for being so negative, which I feel very bad about. Underneath I was thrilled but I found the amount of thought and time they spent helping to make it a happy day very overwhelming.     

I want to try to get over my embarrassment and try to accept compliments and gifts more graciously and think that perhaps starting a new decade is a good time to try.  Can you help me please? 

OUR COMMENTS 

It’s common for anyone who’s experienced a very critical parent to feel hyper - sensitive about any perceived slight, even when it turns out not to be there.  

Another legacy for those who have felt unloved is wariness of being the centre of attention and receiving lots of compliments, which you seem to have had in abundance this Christmas. No wonder it was overwhelming for you at times and you felt unable to deal with it tactfully. 

We suggest you think hard about what your family have said about you. Perhaps write the comments down and look at them as objectively as you can for examples to support their compliments.  For example if one of them admired your cooking did they add that the turkey was tender and tasty? You might find that recognising a specific compliment is easier than accepting one that is very general.  

Many people are embarrassed by generous gifts and compliments and having a few stock responses ready could be helpful. You could, for example say along with your general thank you, that the colour and style of what they have brought are just right and you are touched by their thoughtfulness. Rather than brushing your family off try challenging your own negative thoughts.  Now that Christmas is over, you could write a brief note to your daughters saying how much you appreciated all they did for you. 

Do also remember too that your mother’s death was only six months ago.  Be kind to yourself and let your adjustment to life without her take its time.