I’ve been waking up in the middle of every night for a while wondering why my parents were so horrid to me and whether I am all the awful things they said.

They kept telling me that I was a disappointment to them, that I’d never get anywhere and my father always used to add that I just didn’t fit in with the family.  I certainly didn’t look like either of them.  They are both fair skinned with blondish hair, whereas I have dark hair and a more olive-type complexion.  They both much preferred my younger brother who didn’t do well in his A Levels, opted out of going to university, worked as a salesman in a men’s clothing shop and has been divorced twice.   

I by comparison got a degree in engineering and have a responsible well paid job in a very successful company.  I’m also married with two sons but my parents have never shown much interest in them.  I remember going through some of the drawers in my parents’  study when I came back home at the end of university terms in case I was adopted.  But I never found anything.  It’s recently dawned on me that perhaps I had a different father.    I’d really like to find out but my parents are not the type you can ask that sort of thing and I rarely see them because I know they don’t want to see me.   

Do you have any advice?

OUR COMMENTS 

When children don’t physically resemble their parents and have a different personality it’s common to wonder if they are actually their parents’ child. The thought is even more likely if the child is less loved and has less attention than  their siblings.   It’s no surprise you wonder if you were adopted.  Something that you can easily check on your birth certificate.   

However it is also possible that the fact you chose to go to university and have a good career has made you different and set you apart from the rest of the family. Some parents find this  threatening, assume that you will look down on them and feel their choices for your future were not good enough for you. 

Do you have any distant relatives who could informally tell you more about your parents’ individual history?  If you want to go further and question your paternity we strongly advise you to think very carefully before you make the first moves as you could open up a whole new can of worms.  If you decide not to go ahead you could be plagued by doubts. If you have a  DNA test which shows that you are not your father’s son, you will have to not only accept that your mother had an affair, but also that you have been lied to for a long time and the man you thought was your father was complicit in deceiving you. If this is the route you decide to explore please consider seeking professional counselling to understand your wishes for clarity and the possible repercussions.