It had suddenly dawned on me that my  brother is an absolute replica of my horrid mother. 

He is always right, attacks me verbally with little or no cause, bosses me about and can be incredibly spiteful.

I am four years younger than him and I’m afraid to say that he makes me feel quite undermined.   He was always a difficult child at least in my eyes but I didn’t take much notice of him then.  Now he is an adult he has become toxic and what’s worse got right under my skin. 

Our mother is quite elderly but still difficult.  I keep my distance which is something else my brother criticises me for. Not that I have seen much of him since I married and moved away.  His endless allegations that I am a terrible and useless daughter is so hurtful.  It’s just that I don’t want to lay myself open for attack. 

Please help me.   

OUR COMMENTS 

Having grown up with a difficult mother it is very unfortunate to find that your brother has similar traits.  But it is not unusual.  Sometimes people who have a horrid parent are very aware that it might happen and spot similar traits a mile away. Others can’t, particularly if it involves close relatives.  Your current feelings may be because you had enough to do coping with your mother and didn’t  focus much on your brother. Your inclination to bypass him as a child would confirm this.   

The fact that you are now so affected by him means it’s a good time to re-asses  how you relate to him. We advise you to think about your current relationship. Do you, for example, discuss your mother together? Does he share your views about her?  If so it might be a good idea to share one or two concerns about how many of her traits you have. If you are not that close, or feel that this would not work, you may have to distance yourself from him in the same way you have managed successfully to do so from your mother. 

In the meantime do spend some thinking about exactly what it is that makes him get under your skin. Write your thoughts and memories down then decide what to do with them.  If you think his comments are both unfair and unkind you could screw up the paper and throw it away. You may find that this small but significant action enables you to feel free to move on.