Close family get-togethers make a memorable happy Christmas, but not for those who have  a horrid parent.  If you are someone who finds the festival very stressful, feel they are treading on eggs shells throughout and nervously anticipates the furore of their horrid parent we are here to help. Over the next four weeks we shall offer come up with various situations you may face plus suggestions on how to prepare yourself and be ready to cope.   

Overall we recommend you: 

keep your expectations low and realistic. 

try to be flexible and take pleasure in small things. 

talk things through with your family well before December 25 so you are prepared for what might happen and how to deal with it.  

 CHANGES IN THE FAMILY SET UP 

Christmas can be very hard if your family has split apart, whether it’s your parents who traditionally host the family Christmas, or you and your partner.  The situation may be used by a horrid parent as an opportunity to make spiteful comments so make sure you plan ahead.  If, for example your horrid parent starts to criticise your ex or you in front of your children make it clear you won’t tolerate it by taking them out of the room.   

If the split is recent and your ex lives far away it might be easier for the children to spend one Christmas with you and next year with your ex. Otherwise calmly work out who will have the children on which day. If you feel very wounded decide if it’s a good idea to spend a stressful Christmas with your horrid parent.  You might prefer to be alone or with a friend.  If so think through how to spend the day in advance so you don’t feel lonely or guilty.  For example you could volunteer at an old age home, or plan a long walk.  Keep telling yourself Christmas festivities only last a couple of days.  

FIRST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT A LOVED ONE 

Inevitably this will be a very sensitive time.  If the loss directly affects the horrid parent they may not want to show how upset they are, be particularly tense or insist on being the centre of attention throughout. 

If you or another member of the family are bereaved acknowledge that you will feel particularly  vulnerable to any unpleasant comments your horrid parent makes.      

The first Christmas will be the most painful so base your decision on where to spend Christmas on what you think is best for you and your children. Don’t feel obliged to be with your horrid parent.  If you are with your parent make sure you give yourself some private space if you need it. Work out to how to keep memories of your loved one alive within the family. Accept there will be many moments when you acutely miss the person and feel overwhelming sadness.  Work out the best way for you to manage this.  It could be a time to try some new traditions. 

Although you may feel under pressure to be with your horrid parent, if it makes an easier Christmas for you be strong enough to opt out and go your own way.