My mother was never wrong.  It was always someone else’s fault and that someone was usually me.   

The worst example was when she found a lump on her breast.  I was 16 at the time.  For two weeks she didn’t come out with what actually was wrong but kept telling me that I was so disobedient and wilful that I was killing her.  There was no point in standing up for myself as that always made things worse.  Instead I politely asked what I’d done.   She came out with a long list of negative comments going back to the time I was three.   It was a nightmare time because although I didn’t like her I didn’t want to actually kill her.   

Then one day she came home late afternoon full of smiles. She was still in a good mood the next day. So I took my courage in my hands and asked politely if something really nice had happened to cheer her up.  ‘I had this lump’ she told me pointing to her left breast, ‘and thought it was cancer.  But it’s definitely not.’ 

There were no apologies for what she had put me through.  She just expected me to forget how awful she’d been.  I was totally shocked. How could her getting  cancer ever be my fault.   

I knew then that I had to get out of my home asap.  I left the following year and kept her at a distance for the rest of her very long life.

 OUR COMMENTS

How dreadful that your mother took her fear about cancer out on you. It must also have been horrid to listen to a long list of mild childhood misbehaviours that she has held onto and exaggerated out of all proportion. It is surprising that she admitted why she was so anxious but inevitably the last thing she would do is apologise for her behaviour.  

Her behaviour is one way to identify that she is a horrid parent. Sadly it quite common for someone who isn’t honest about their feelings to take personal responsibility for them. Instead they are more likely to project their usually negative feelings on to others without giving a thought on how it might affect them. It is particularly hard when a mother does this to their child who usually can’t understand what is going on. And instead that whatever the problem it must be their fault.  The effect can be long-term. As they grow up they can feel confused and unsure about their ability to make a judgement and profoundly guilty that they were the cause of their horrid parent’s distress.

The fact is that it is the adult’s responsibility to manage difficult life events however painful they might be and help their child learn to cope.  Not the other way round.  

You were wise to realise how damaged you could be by your mother and  move away as soon as you could.