My mother made sure I had a horrid home life and until I went to university I felt too crushed to believe anyone would like me.  I’ve since managed to overcome her best efforts to destroy me and have gathered some really special friends.    

I have even found someone I trust enough to agree to marry him.  We are scheduling the wedding for next summer and are fortunate to be able to pay for everything ourselves.   It pleases me to think that my late father would have liked my new partner, despite not having the courage to stand up to my mother and take my side.   

I couldn’t care what my mother thinks.  I’ve no intention of inviting her to the wedding.  I have had no contact with her for eight years. Nor has she tried to find me, which wouldn’t be difficult.   My friends however are trying hard to persuade me to get in touch. ‘Make amends’ they say: ‘how can you get married without your mother being there?’     

I’ve told them some of the things she did and said - recalling them has been painful - but they are not convinced.  They’ve all been lucky enough to have kind encouraging parents and just can’t believe my childhood was as awful as I describe.  I don’t want them to go off me because of my decision but if I contact my mother and she comes, I know she will be determined to ruin my day.  What should I do?

OUR COMMENTS 

How lovely you have found a life partner you can trust and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.  After all your early struggles it is a terrific achievement. Well done too for working out that keeping well away from your mother suits both of you and it’s not surprising that you don’t want to change your arrangement.  

Your friends are no doubt concerned for your best interests. However, as you point out, it’s very difficult for children who have grown up feeling loved and wanted to understand the negative childhood experiences you have gone through.    

There is, of course, no reason why you should keep trying to convince them about your horrid past, but understandable that you are unhappy they are at odds with you.  Think carefully and ask yourself if some of your earlier sense of anxiety about being liked re-surfaced?  If so keep reminding yourself about the wonderful partner  and good friends you have gathered all of whom clearly love you. 

If, despite their advice, you still don’t want to invite your mother for fear she will ruin your day, stick with it.  It’s also worth remembering that if she cme to the wedding you would  have her back in your life.  Instead do what feels right for you and your fiancé.  Perhaps choose an older friend, colleague or even someone from your fiancé’s family to be a parent figure on your special day.  You could then tell your friends that you have chosen someone you love to be with you when you get married. Go forward and have a wonderful life together.