I waited until I was four months pregnant before telling my mother I was going to have a baby. I am a late mother as I didn’t find the right man until my late thirties and then I had various fertility issues. My husband and I are thrilled and you might think my mother would be too as, if all goes well, the baby will be her first grandchild.
But no. She has behaved as she has always done by immediately finding a way of criticising me about something that hasn’t yet happened. She said she pitied the baby having me for a mother as he/she would have a problem getting fed because I didn’t like getting out of bed in the morning. She added for good measure that she never saw me as a mother as I was part of the ‘me’ generation who only thought about myself.
I was so shocked and couldn’t stand up for myself. I am very emotional about the whole experience and I spent the rest of the day in tears.
My husband did what he could to reassure me and suggested I stay away from her for the rest of the pregnancy and not risk her being nasty again.
Frankly I don’t know what to think.
Our comments:
It’s a shame your hopes that being pregnant would help your relationship with your mother have been dashed. And the way she has responded shows she is unlikely to change her behaviour. So you need to think about how you are going to manage this and protect yourself and your family.
Your husband suggests you stay away until after the baby is born. Or you could try reducing the number of your visits and calls.
It’s an awful experience to be criticised for something you haven’t done and have no intention of doing. But a horrid parent often anticipates behaviour they think their child might do, even when they are adult, without the slightest indication they will. Instead they see it as an opportunity to undermine their child with a list of what they must not do.
Pregnancy is a particularly emotional time so be kind to yourself and try to build up your self-confidence. Keep telling yourself that her criticism is totally different from a parent who would offer helpful advice and guidance. And try to stay wary. Don't expect her nastiness to stop and remember it is not your fault that your mother is so critical.