Tactless and Rude

My mother is acutely embarrassing and the least subtle person I know. It’s bad enough when she complains about my cooking in front of my husband and children ‘Is it something the dog turned down?’ Or that my new hairstyle ‘just doesn’t suit you.’

She has no qualms about criticizing someone out loud when we are on a bus together or in a restaurant. ‘That woman shouldn’t order a dessert,’ she’s said more than once about a woman sitting at a nearby table. ‘She’s far too fat as it is.’

Once when she was staying overnight she walked straight into our bedroom without even knocking. When I told her off she said she wanted to speak to me and didn’t do anything wrong.

Sometimes she’s so tactless I worry that someone will come up to her and punch her in the face. I’ve tried to speak to her about this by asking her to lower her voice when she wants to be rude about a stranger and have even persuaded her to have a hearing test. But she thinks her opinion counts. She also nearly ruined my relationship with my husband. We hadn’t been going out together for long when I took him to a family wedding. My mother told me loudly at the ceremony that his tie didn’t match his shirt. I wanted to disappear. He was very generous about it all and now fifteen years later he even laughs about it now and then, but it still makes me cringe.

What on earth can I do about her?

Our comments:

A tactlessly outspoken parent is a very common issue but there are no easy answers. Something you’ve found out for yourself as whatever you have tried doesn’t make any difference.

We can suggest two ways of handling your mother’s criticism of you. One is for you and your family to distance yourselves from her. The other is to try to develop a thick impenetrable skin. It would also help if you accepted that this is what she is like, which doesn’t reflect on you in any way.

It’s harder to deal with your mother’s rude comments to others because you have no control of your mother or the person she is insulting. She is lucky that so far no one has responded aggressively to her. Your attempts to moderate her comments will only result in her trying to justify herself and/or become angry with you. We suggest you assess each situation as it arises by asking yourself whether it’s worth getting involved and if so what you should say. For example if she is rude to a waitress you could set an example by being kind or even apologise to her. If, as a result, you find yourself in the firing line you should let it go, tell yourself you are never going to change her and avoid being out with your mother as much as possible.