I used to hate my mother so much I wanted to scream.  I couldn’t  find anything positive to say about her.  I felt she had rubbished me for so long that she had blighted my life and made everything difficult.  We had no emotional connection and very different values. Even if I didn’t see her for a few weeks I felt chewed up with resentment and hatred.  

Things began to change after my 45th birthday earlier this year.  It marked the end of my chance to have children and I asked myself what had I done with my life.  I answered ‘not much’ and blamed the negative relationship I have always had with my mother.  Then almost out of the blue I decided it was up to me as well to move forward and realised that my only chance of being happy and making something of my life even at this late stage was to break off any connection with her.  For the first few months I felt a mixture of grief and relief.   At times I was also full of anger. I had worked in sales for a long time but since my decision to leave her behind I have been more positive and last month was made a manager which makes me feel much better about myself.  

I had hoped to keep a relationship going with my gentle father but unfortunately he has been so brow beaten by my mother he is not willing to meet me unless my mother comes too.   

Please explain my feelings.

 OUR COMMENTS: 

Hate is such a powerful emotion it can overwhelm us and, if we let it, dominate our lives.  It can also keep us stuck in the past and full of resentment.  

You’ve done well to realise this and that it is up to you to manage your life after the damage your mother has caused. Taking control has enabled you to move away from hate and begin to understand the feelings behind it. You have grieved the fact that your mother hasn’t loved you.  Felt relief that she doesn’t dominate you any more and been angry with her about the way she has treated you and that your child-bearing days are past.

Your growing confidence is a result of you dealing with what happened in your childhood. This has been reflected in your promotion at work.  Relish this positive change in yourself and think about how you can build some leisure activities that you will enjoy. Try to make some new friends as well as keep up with ones of long-standing. Surround yourself with people who show they care about you.

 It is sad that your father feels unable to see you on his own but you could think about other ways of staying in contact with him, like a regular phone call, that would suit you both.