Saying my father wasn’t a sympathetic type is an understatement.  He even told me to ‘man up’ and ‘get over it’ before I went to primary school. 

He even said 'don't make a fuss' when I fell and broke my arm.  He behaved in the same way each time I had flu and a high temperature. As a result I learnt to keep physical pain to myself and emotional aspects of my life too.  But I eventually managed to distance myself from my father who has become worse as he’s got older.   

Surprisingly enough all this changed a few months ago when some builders made a mess of some new tiling in my flat. I went ballistic and shouted and swore at them.  They apologised, redid the work and cut the charges.  I didn’t feel triumphant.  Instead I kept asking myself why I over- reacted and made such a fuss.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the pent up feelings I’d kept inside me for so long had suddenly spilled over. 

I haven’t had another episode of anger like that, thank goodness.  Instead a feeling of calm rather than stress descends when I am about to see my father, which has never happened before.  I have also been able to take a step back, see him for what he is  - an unpleasant, unfeeling individual - and he no longer makes me feel angry or down.   

Can you make any sense of this for me?

OUR COMMENTS:

Bad workmanship in your home prompted you to make a huge fuss which was out of character.  A similar outburst could equally have been triggered by an illness or accident.  It is understandable that the experience was unnerving and you want to know why it happened when it did. 

Perhaps you felt your personal space had not been treated with sufficient respect by the builders and this reminded you of the way your father has treated you.  Although your reaction may have been excessive it has certainly shifted something in you. Possibly for the first time in your life you recognised your feelings, stood your ground and refused to be treated badly. Being effective with builders has also helped you change your attitude to your father and keep a healthy distance from him. 

When we feel safe, which you obviously did in your own home, we can allow ourselves to be more assertive.  Parts of your outburst may have stayed in your mind to use when you felt badly treated by your father.  Some people even rehearse such comments in their head to use when appropriate with a horrid parent.  You have done well and there’s no need to worry that your behaviour will regularly repeat itself.