My older brother has been criticizing me for everything and anything.  He is 12 years older than me and recently returned to the UK after living abroad for the last twenty years.  He should be pleased for us to meet up again and get to know me.  Instead he has been both nasty and threatening as if I have somehow wronged him.  In some ways he even reminds me of our father who was self important and unsympathetic.  Luckily for me I have a happy and peaceful life working for a charity I care about.

I talked about my brother’s behaviour to a close friend who told me he sounds like a ‘flying monkey’.   I had no idea what he was talking about but he explained my father was probably using him to make my life hell while not taking any responsibility for the insults.   It made sense as how else would he have such a long list of wrongdoing and failure on my part.  He doesn’t scare me so I asked him point blank if he was put up to being nasty by our father who I have very little to do with as he has got worse as he’s aged. His response was that I was talking utter rubbish.

My friend advised me not to challenge my brother but to remain calm and neutral in everything I said.  That way he hoped my brother would come to his senses and realise that I was okay and he was the one being used by my father.

Do you think I am doing the right thing?

The term ‘flying monkey’ is from the film Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch sent flying monkeys to capture Dorothy.  It has come to mean someone who carries out the work on behalf of a manipulative person.  Your brother’s denial that his behaviour had anything to do with your father is typical as is his assertion that you’re the one with a problem.

Your friend’s advice to stay calm, objective and neutral is good. However it is unlikely likely that your brother will realise that he is being used and ‘come to his senses’. He is an adult and has probably chosen to ally himself with your father, perhaps to protect himself. His disinclination to have a frank discussion with you about your father’s behaviour also suggests that he prefers the status quo. If you keep trying to persuade him that you are right it might make him dig his heels in even more  and possibly bring your father into the discussion. 

You have created both a satisfying peaceful life and managed to keep your father at a distance. You might need to do the same with your brother.