When I was in my thirties I decided to cut off all ties with my mother.  She was so determined to undermine me that she regularly criticised me in front of my children.  It was her way to set them against me and sabotage my happy family.  Fortunately  we are very close and they became so upset by her behaviour that I felt I  had to break away.

Our lives were much more peaceful without her and through the positive and supportive love of my husband and children I managed to regain much of the confidence I lost when I was young.  Twelve years on and I have heard from an aunt that my mother has had a stroke and is at the moment paralysed down one side of her body.  My aunt wants me to forgive my mother, as does my husband and think I should visit her.  I am completely torn.   I am sorry she is suffering.  Unlike her I don’t wish anyone to be ill, but I feel sure that if I get back in touch she will find a way to blame me for her stroke and that her nastiness and outrageous demands will start all over again.   It will also bring back so many painful memories of my childhood.   Yet it is difficult for me to do nothing. I am also concerned that if I don’t do something I may regret it once she’s gone and I don’t want to live with a guilty conscience.

We understand you don’t want to get back in touch with your mother because she will probably start being unkind to you again but before you make a final decision we believe you should ask yourself whether her stroke is a good time to forgive her even if she doesn’t change the way she behaves.

Forgiveness is a complex issue. Most people are prepared to forgive if the other person admits they were wrong and have tried to make amends.  Others feel the whole concept of forgiveness means condoning the other person’s bad behaviour and don’t want to offer an olive branch.

It might help you come to a decision if you could see forgiveness as a way of accepting your mother’s bad behaviour but also offers chance to move on regardless of how she behaves.   It could help stop you hoping that your mother will admit her failings, something she is very unlikely to do.  We are not, however, suggesting you should forget what has happened.  

Be the good daughter and visit her.  If you do, one way of keeping an emotional distance is to think of her as a frail elderly neighbour.  You should also prepare yourself in advance for her inevitable horrid comments.