My wife has just had our first baby and I am not sure what to do.  Part of me is overwhelmed with love for our tiny boy but another part is tremendously anxious.  It might sound crazy but I worry about opening up to my emotions and loving him too much. 

How will I cope if, when he’s older, he lets me down?

As far back as I can remember I have never totally trusted anyone.  I am almost always on a low level alert, which shoots up to red alert at the least provocation.   I realise it is a form of self protection, which was how I  coped with my late father.  He was always letting me down and going against his word across many different areas. From offering to take me to a football match but then being too busy or helping me buy my first car,  when he claimed he was short of money.

For years the only person I relied on was myself.  I was very cautious with friends and even more so when dating girls.  I never thought I would get married because I never wanted to reveal my true feelings and needs in case I got hurt.  But then I met my current wife at work.  We slowly became friends and over time I felt increasingly comfortable with her. 

We may not be an outwardly passionate pair but we are the best of friends which is more than I ever imagined.  But having our baby is a totally different experience and I  am slightly panicking about how I feel and what I should do.   Can I get over my past and or will it haunt me for ever?

OUR COMMENT

It is natural to feel anxious about being a new dad, but your role now is to protect and cherish your baby.  The more you make him feel loved and accepted the less likely he is to let you down in the future.  We suggest you follow your behaviour when you met your wife. Give yourself time to slowly and gently get used to each other.  Trust your instincts and  enjoy learning about him.  You can also let your wife guide you.

Don’t forget that no one is perfect and that it is normal to feel a degree of disappointment especially when your child becomes a teenager.  But that is not the same as lacking trust.   

Your own father has died and can no longer hurt you.  Becoming a father yourself is your chance to accept what happened to you in the past, move on and build a fulfilling life.