My father is full of envy and resentment and seems determined to make me feel guilty  when anything good comes my way.

I recently got a significant promotion at work. I thought about not telling him because I guessed he would try to spoil it, but I did in the end because I knew my mother would be delighted  and didn’t want her not to know.  I was particularly pleased about timing of my increased salary as it will make it easier for me to stop renting, get a mortgage and a foothold on the property ladder.

My mother beamed with pride when I told them my news but father looked shocked.  His first comment was to tell me I’ll no doubt waste my money on exotic holidays which he’d never been able to do when he was my age.  When I explained I intended to use it to buy a small house he stuttered with anger and asked why I needed a house,  when  I didn’t even know that my wife and I could have a child.  It was a shocking comment which he elaborated by telling me yet again how difficult his own life had been when he was young and he had to scrimp and save to buy enough to eat let alone buy a home.

I understand his life was difficult and he finds it hard to move on, but it not my fault.   Most fathers would be encouraging and very proud that their only son was doing well.  His envious attitude really puts me off going home, but I like to see my mother.  She does her best and tries to soothe him but it usually ends with him sulking. 

It is a shame that your father remains so resentful about his own start in life and doesn’t take pleasure in your achievements.  Your mother, on the other hand sounds caring and supportive.  Could you perhaps see her   on her own outside the home, or arrange to visit when your father might be out.

You’re unlikely to change his attitude or behaviour at this stage in his life.  

Meanwhile you need to protect yourself from his attempts to put you down.  Can you talk about him to your wife?  Her understanding will be  very helpful, especially as you don’t have siblings.

It also might help you if you anticipate that he will be unkind during your visit.  Don’t take it personally and try not to feel guilty about him.